Help! I really need your advice

Luciee94 · 02/07/2025 22:53

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 22:48

Hi,

I’ve only been in one relationship ever, and it was the father of my child. We’ve been separated for about 5 years now and I'm in a new relationship. Relationship with my kids dad wasn’t the regular dating then marriage and then kids. It was saw each other for a few weeks, got pregnant….

Please can you guys tell me if this is normal. Im not judging, as I'm unexperienced in the dating world, I would like to know, is it normal for one to keep in contact with multiple Exs to the extent that you go out for lunch, drinks etc. and also keep multiple photos of them even though you are in a relationship?

I just want to know, please be gentle.

I wouldn’t say it’s normal or typical no, especially not multiple exes. Are the exes also in new relationships?

Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 22:55

Luciee94 · 02/07/2025 22:53

I wouldn’t say it’s normal or typical no, especially not multiple exes. Are the exes also in new relationships?

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No not all. At least 3 of them are currently single.

OP posts:

ShamrockShenanigans · 02/07/2025 22:55

It depends on what you mean by 'multiple' really.

It's completely normal not to remove past photos from online accounts/social media though.

RhaenysRocks · 02/07/2025 22:55

Not generally no. I'm friends with a couple of exes that I had very short, non serious uni relationships with but not my two ex husbands. I'm not asking if it's you who has the pictures or your current boyfriend and his exes because you asked what was normal so it doesn't matter who's who. However, don't die on the altar of "normal". If something works for you or your relationship then it's fine. If something works for lots of people but not for you, that's also fine.

Lmnop22 · 02/07/2025 22:56

I think it really depends on the situation. How long did they date, why did they break up, do they have lots of mutual friends etc?

If it’s two friends in a wider group who dated and didn’t work out and they still see eachother (mostly in a group but sometimes one on one) then I wouldn’t find that weird. If it’s people who were together recently, didn’t have mutual friends in common and still meet one on one, that’s not normal once a relationship ends in my opinion.

Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 22:56

ShamrockShenanigans · 02/07/2025 22:55

It depends on what you mean by 'multiple' really.

It's completely normal not to remove past photos from online accounts/social media though.

By multiple i mean about 3-4

OP posts:

Luciee94 · 02/07/2025 22:56

ShamrockShenanigans · 02/07/2025 22:55

It depends on what you mean by 'multiple' really.

It's completely normal not to remove past photos from online accounts/social media though.

That’s true. I see that fairly often.. but do you mean keeps the photos on social media or on his phone?

Lmnop22 · 02/07/2025 22:58

Re the photos, that’s normal imo.

I have all the photos of me and my ex fiancé and father of my kids on my phone and social media etc as well as previous less serious boyfriends. They were still part of my life and I think in the future I would regret it if I deleted all trace of them from my phone and photos just because it didn’t work out romantically. It’ll be nice to be able to look back on previous partners and life stages in the future without having censored them all.

Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 22:59

It’s not me. Im not sure of the duration of these relationships but id say maybe 1-2 years each and they dont have mutual friends. These are past relationships of over 5 years ago.

some pictures are on social media and a few on phone, and laptop.

thank you.

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Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 23:00

Luciee94 · 02/07/2025 22:56

That’s true. I see that fairly often.. but do you mean keeps the photos on social media or on his phone?

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Okay, got it!

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alexalisten · 02/07/2025 23:04

No not normal and I wouldn't be ok with it.

Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 23:08

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 23:04

No not normal and I wouldn't be ok with it.

This was my thought too but i just wasn’t sure if im being unreasonable and unrealistic

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Lmnop22 · 02/07/2025 23:12

Do you have any cause for concern about these exes other than him being in touch?

Is he reluctant to let you meet them for example or does he go quiet when with them? Act secretive? Have history of cheating?

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 23:21

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 23:08

This was my thought too but i just wasn’t sure if im being unreasonable and unrealistic

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No your not. I broke up with someone for this exact reason he would go round his exs house and cook her tea some nights and watch movies it was so weird. Im not even a jealous person but this was to far. He made out I didn't want him to have friends and turned it round making out I was wrong for feeling a certain way then as soon as we split up they where back together

Wolfpinkola · 02/07/2025 23:22

It’s normal if you’re a lesbian, I don’t think normal for a straight man

Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 23:23

Lmnop22 · 02/07/2025 23:12

Do you have any cause for concern about these exes other than him being in touch?

Is he reluctant to let you meet them for example or does he go quiet when with them? Act secretive? Have history of cheating?

To be fair i wouldn’t even want to meet them. And no he has no history of cheating at all and not secretive. Although i had to ask for him to tell. He did say he was going to tell me but wasn't sure how. He was very open though when i asked and did say he’d cut contact if that’s what i want. I don’t want to come across as dictating what he should do.

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Original poster

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 23:35

alexalisten · 02/07/2025 23:21

No your not. I broke up with someone for this exact reason he would go round his exs house and cook her tea some nights and watch movies it was so weird. Im not even a jealous person but this was to far. He made out I didn't want him to have friends and turned it round making out I was wrong for feeling a certain way then as soon as we split up they where back together

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wow! I probably will do the same as you if they were going around their exs to cook and watch movies.

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Original poster

MixedSalad · 03/07/2025 03:24

Just to bump this up a bit

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Lavendersong · 03/07/2025 03:25

Not that many no

Newnamehiwhodis · 03/07/2025 03:51

The only man I knew who did this was an ex who turned out to be a narcissist. And I mean a textbook, psychologically certified narcissist. He kept a “harem” of exes and used them as triangulation. It was mild at first and I remember thinking it was great he was friends with exes.

it turned into the comparison game, keeping me continually unsafe, and classic triangulation.

just be careful. And don’t let ANYTHING erode your self confidence.

BlueMum16 · 03/07/2025 05:30

MixedSalad · 02/07/2025 22:48

Hi,

I’ve only been in one relationship ever, and it was the father of my child. We’ve been separated for about 5 years now and I'm in a new relationship. Relationship with my kids dad wasn’t the regular dating then marriage and then kids. It was saw each other for a few weeks, got pregnant….

Please can you guys tell me if this is normal. Im not judging, as I'm unexperienced in the dating world, I would like to know, is it normal for one to keep in contact with multiple Exs to the extent that you go out for lunch, drinks etc. and also keep multiple photos of them even though you are in a relationship?

I just want to know, please be gentle.

How long have you been seeing the new BF? It sounds like a early days.

Take things slowly, don't rush him meeting your DC.

Early days and I wouldn't be worried about exs.

Even longer term I wouldn't be insisting they delete every photo, thats part of his past life you just can erase previous years. We all have a past.

Britneyfan · 03/07/2025 05:40

I think the photos are fine provided he isn’t lovingly displaying them in a frame by his bed etc lol. I think it’s entirely possible to be genuine friends with a former romantic partner. Although I’ve never managed it myself! In some ways it’s a good thing if exes are still friends and shows he is not a terrible person. However it’s also true that some people use being “friends” with exes as an excuse to stay in touch with someone they still have romantic feelings for, or indeed for ego boost or triangulation purposes as a pp has said. In itself it wouldn’t worry me as long as I wasn’t getting either of those sorts of vibes about the friendships.

Original poster

MixedSalad · 03/07/2025 06:39

Thanks to those who have responded.

Im still unsure how to approach it. I did say to him that i wasn’t comfortable and dont think it’s right. He said if he puts himself in my shoes (they pinch a bit) and that he thinks everything’s fine because he’s seeing it from his perspective but he has to understand better that it’s not mine.
He said he was taking it all I’ve said in, so waiting to hear what his thoughts are. I really want to leave it to him to decide what he wants to do.l about it.

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Lavendersong · 03/07/2025 06:55

He’s not the one for you

Are they really his ex girlfriends or just people he’s meeting via a dating app ?

You can do better OP

This is not a man who wants the kind of normal relationship you’re after and that most of us have to a certain extent

You’ll find someone more suitable

Original poster

MixedSalad · 03/07/2025 08:13

Lavendersong · 03/07/2025 06:55

He’s not the one for you

Are they really his ex girlfriends or just people he’s meeting via a dating app ?

You can do better OP

This is not a man who wants the kind of normal relationship you’re after and that most of us have to a certain extent

You’ll find someone more suitable

I am really beginning to lean this way. Thank you.

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