Help! I really need your advice

[MixedSalad]

Hi,

I’ve only been in one relationship ever, and it was the father of my child. We’ve been separated for about 5 years now and I'm in a new relationship. Relationship with my kids dad wasn’t the regular dating then marriage and then kids. It was saw each other for a few weeks, got pregnant….

Please can you guys tell me if this is normal. Im not judging, as I'm unexperienced in the dating world, I would like to know, is it normal for one to keep in contact with multiple Exs to the extent that you go out for lunch, drinks etc. and also keep multiple photos of them even though you are in a relationship?

I just want to know, please be gentle.

i thought id update you guys. Spoke to him, he’s happy to cut contact with one but not the other 2. Both he says he's just friends with them. 1 of them its just birthday wishes and Christmas. They send each other cards. The other that he goes out to lunch or dinner with they actually lost a pregnancy together im guessing why he was a bit hesitant.
Am i being relax on boundaries? Or just believe that they are just friends?

I’d suggest the acid test would be to say that if youve to be a big part of his life then you want to meet all his friends. So if he has female friends that includes them. Just like you want him to meet all your friends. If there is nothing but friendship it’s not a problem. Many people have friends of both sexes.

And if he doesn’t want you to meet them then you know he’s likely chatting them up or shagging them now and again. If they say it’s too weird then they are trying to shag him.

It wouldn't bother me but I'm not the jealous type, I would find it more suspicious if they weren't in contact with any exes and had split acrimoniously with them all.

I'm friends with quite a few of my exes, they were nice guys but it just didn't work out and we moved on, there are zero romantic feelings between us.

Well he did ask if i wanted to go with them if the invitation for dinner or lunch ever came up and i said no. But i guess from what you’re saying that might not be a bad idea?

To be fair I do think he’s doing it, in contact, out of good intentions. What freaked me put was the fact that he never really outrightly told me, i asked and he was very open about them and happy to answer my questions. Im not the jealous type, i just want honesty and trust.
Would it bother you though if your partner meets up with an ex who he’s reluctant to cut contact with because they are good friends?

@MixedSalad its irrelevant what’s ’normal’ or not. It only matters what you are comfortable with. If you’re not comfortable then this relationship is not for you.

You sound uncomfortable with it. I said to my now DH (shortly after he proposed) that I wasn’t comfortable with him keeping in touch with his previous girlfriend of 8 years (and his only serious relationship). I do get jealous, it made me feel insecure but that’s who I am. I am all in, no grey areas. Same deal on my side, no little chats or lunches with ex boyfriends. DH felt the same way, it wasn’t an issue for him, we are very compatible. 25 years married now. Have we missed out on some old friendships, maybe, but I wanted it to be just us with a fresh start, no old relationships on the fringes, possibly chipping in. You should be true to yourself, if it bothers you it bothers you and the relationship won’t work.

Well, there's being friends with exes and Being Friends With Exes.

Personally I don't see the point in Being Friends With Exes to the point that I was still regularly meeting up with them. In my mind, it implies one side, or both, aren't properly 'over' the relationship. Or, being kept sweet/on the backburner.

I wouldn't have a problem being friends with exes in the sense that there's no bad feelings, but I wouldn't actively keep in touch with them. Nothing wrong with saying hi and passing the time of day with them if you bump into them in the street and that's all there is to it.

I'm getting a few flaggy vibes off the explanations he's given you. It's almost like he's trying to make you feel guilty somehow when he's out with One Of His Exes but he's being oh so reasonable by offering to cut contact with ONE of them.

Top and bottom of it is, you're not comfortable with it so have a think about whether you can put it all aside and carry on seeing him or if it's a dealbreaker because you know if you get in deeper you're not going to ever be truly okay with it.

We all have a past history with exes, good, bad and ugly. But it's not the past if we're still in touch with them or have current pictures of them.

It wont bother if he hd mentioned it to me without finding out. I felt he knew i might be uncomfortable with it.
Are you saying while you guys were dating he kept in touch with his ex? And only just raised it after he proposed?

He’s happy to stop meeting up with them but would like to stay in touch with them. Apparently one of his other exes had an issue with this particular ex im referring to

@MixedSalad no he did not stay in touch with them while we dated. Honestly I would have broken up with him if he had as I know I am a mixture of proud and jealous! Am I normal, who knows. We did touch on our dating history (not in details) and I just made my feelings clear before we married. It was all very comfortable, not an issue for him.

I think it’s important you do what feels right for you. It doesn’t really matter what’s normal, if you aren’t comfortable he needs to change or you need to part ways. If he doesn’t want to change that’s fine he’s not a bad person, just doesn’t suit you. You should be his priority and he should be yours. If it’s the right match no one needs to make a big compromise. A good relationship should be easy and fun as I tell my young adult children.

I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing tbh. It depends how YOU feel.

Ironically I wouldn’t like it if I were the girlfriend and my man was hanging with his ex
But as an ex myself I would quite like to see my old ex purely for a laugh as we had such a good time talking and having a laugh but I do not want into his pants. The idea of kissing him now repulses me. I’d be quite happy to do the hanging out laughing over coffee with him and his gf. But she wouldn’t be up for that as shes the jealous type I hear.

Whatever youre comfy with is the right thing. Maybe if you saw them you’d know they didn’t fancy each other or that they totally still do, and that’d make your mind up one way or the other

Thank you for responding. I appreciate.
I just really like him and have not been treated as beautifully as he has treated me since we met. I think i just expected that he would want to do anything for me, to keep me. Im not saying he’s not but i expected so much more. Perhaps i wasn't expecting any push back is what it is.

But if i saw them together and i think she or him might still fancy the other would i not then look like a jealous controlling person to then say not to see her again. To be fair if they chat very rarely I wouldn’t mind. It's just very unnecessary that they meet up however very sporadically it is. He thinks i dont want him to have female friends.

"But if i saw them together and i think she or him might still fancy the other would i not then look like a jealous controlling person to then say not to see her again. "

Not really. It's how he reacts and what he would do about it that matters.

It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into being okay with something you're not okay with so you don't lose him.

It’s embarrassing to admit but you’re right. I really am not okay with it, especially in the way the conversation has gone. If he was happy to cut ties in a heartbeat but explains why he might want to keep contact maybe i wont feel like this. I just want that feeling of being priority in situations like this and not feel like im not priority. He’s such a good man. This is the only issue. I don’t for one moment feel like he would cheat on me with them.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust your gut. I wish more women had standards for themselves. Mumsnet is flooded with posts from women living with men who treat them horribly and they’ve lost their confidence to do anything about it.

Why not consider taking a step back. You don’t have to make a quick decision to agree to his seeing this one ex (the one he seems most attached to) or split up. You could just cool things, be a little busy and not available as much as usual. No sex. See how he reacts. You should be his number one priority not his ex. It’s not very dignified to have to have multiple conversations with him about this. Needy is not attractive. He may be a good man as you say but you should be the prize in his mind. He should be bending over backwards to reassure you. Take a moment and really look at this man and his actions.

I love the old advice to say to yourself on repeat, “I am busy, I am happy, I am pretty”.

"He’s such a good man."

Yes, he is. And he's a good man to Sheila, Dawn, Mary, Liz, Cassie and Ella as well.

Which goes to show that you're not actually a priority to him. And that he loves having a string of women-friends who just happen to be exes because it makes him look like Mr Desirable.

Why not consider taking a step back. You don’t have to make a quick decision to agree to his seeing this one ex (the one he seems most attached to) or split up. You could just cool things, be a little busy and not available as much as usual. No sex. See how he reacts. You should be his number one priority not his ex. It’s not very dignified to have to have multiple conversations with him about this. Needy is not attractive. He may be a good man as you say but you should be the prize in his mind.

Thanks you so much @Sedgwick this is really helpful and is what i already plan on doing. He’s said he’ll cut contact as it’s clear it’s making me unhappy. However that’s not to say I’ll take it hook, line and sinker. I’ll do as you’ve said. I truly appreciate your time and comments😊