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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or can I not take a joke?

43 replies

CalmReader · 02/07/2025 19:40

Myself, DH & DC were playing together the other day and I can’t remember exactly how it came about but he jokingly called me a c*nt, yes DC3 was in the room and although he said it quietly it was directed at me, I heard it and I’m sure she would have too. My face fell to the floor and he obviously realised he’d struck a nerve and said oh I’m joking, of course I’m joking. Funnily enough I didn’t find it funny.

AIBU here or is he? Can I not take a joke?

We’ve had a rough couple of years, and things are quite tense at the moment, but it’s also not the first time he’s said things that are quite nasty as a joke. If I’m honest I’ve only picked up on it recently due to our current situation, so I couldn’t tell you if this has been going on for our whole relationship or not.

I swear he never used to be like this, and we’ve spoken a lot recently about separating (more my choice than his and he definitely doesn’t want this) so I can’t quite tell if I’m just trying to find reasons to justify my thoughts.

OP posts:
AllPlayedOut · 02/07/2025 19:41

That’s not a joke and he didn’t intend it to be one. You deserve better and the situation won’t improve.

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2025 19:44

I think it could be a joke in some circumstances.

Given the state of your relationship it doesn't seem like a joke and you certainly didn't take it as one so he should apologise and never do it again.

Is he the sort of person who uses the word cunt frequently? Some people do use it a lot. Others reserve it for when they want to really offend.

Ageismlives · 02/07/2025 19:45

That's not a joke. And you say he has form for saying nasty thinks and claiming they are jokes.
I'm sorry OP but it sounds as though he doesn't even like you.
I think you should go ahead with making plans for the separation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2025 19:47

I call these Schrodinger’s jokes. They say something awful and if you get upset, it’s magically a joke. But many a true word is said in jest. And if your marriage is in trouble, he meant it. And to say it around the kids? No. They hear like bats the little buggers.

missmollygreen · 02/07/2025 19:48

AllPlayedOut · 02/07/2025 19:41

That’s not a joke and he didn’t intend it to be one. You deserve better and the situation won’t improve.

Oh, you were there did you? heard the conversation? Know the man?

Do you have alot of banter in your relationship, OP?
Sounds like a misjudged joke to me.

Ageismlives · 02/07/2025 19:48

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2025 19:44

I think it could be a joke in some circumstances.

Given the state of your relationship it doesn't seem like a joke and you certainly didn't take it as one so he should apologise and never do it again.

Is he the sort of person who uses the word cunt frequently? Some people do use it a lot. Others reserve it for when they want to really offend.

Whether he uses the word a lot or rarely is irrelevant. Because it can never be a joke if the person who it's aimed at doesnt find it funny.

AllPlayedOut · 02/07/2025 19:50

missmollygreen · 02/07/2025 19:48

Oh, you were there did you? heard the conversation? Know the man?

Do you have alot of banter in your relationship, OP?
Sounds like a misjudged joke to me.

Show quote history

Calling your wife/partner that is never a joke and it’s extremely common for abusive men to pretend that insults are jokes even when they clearly aren’t. And as OP said it isn’t the first time that he’s said something nasty and pretended that he was joking.

londongirl12 · 02/07/2025 19:55

That’s not a word you use in a joke to someone you love.

JoyDivision79 · 02/07/2025 19:55

When someone says they don't like something or it hurt their feelings and the reply is ' it's a joke', ' I'm only joking '. Well, that's a massive problem for me.

He is angry about something. He wants to belittle you. Does he have form for saying ' it's just a joke'.

This is a huge issue for me as I have history of dealing with people who do not take any accountability or responsibility at all for behaviour. These people will also make passive aggressive digs. These people use lines like ' it's a joke' ' you are too sensitive '.

These people are now at a distance from me purposely.

Let's say it accidentally slipped out. Then he says, 'I'm really sorry. I didn't intend to be hurtful. I shouldn't have said that'.

If he was trying to be funny - which I doubt. Then he could add ' I was trying to be funny but it wasn't particularly funny. I'm sorry'.

If he says ' you're too sensitive ' 'you're over reacting ' I'd have significant problems with that too.

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2025 20:00

Ageismlives · 02/07/2025 19:48

Whether he uses the word a lot or rarely is irrelevant. Because it can never be a joke if the person who it's aimed at doesnt find it funny.

Show quote history

I'm not sure that's how jokes work actually.

If you tell me a knock knock joke and I don't think it's funny, it's still a joke. I don't think a joke only exists if the other person finds it funny. I think we have to factor in intention too.

Rhaidimiddim · 02/07/2025 20:00

He doesn't wamt to separate, but calls you a cnut in front of your toddler!?

He's not trying very hard to make you want to stay, is he? Either he diesn't know how to behave ( but up until recently he did?) or he is testing to see how much abuse he can get away with and you still stick around.

The "only joking" thing is classic bully/domination behaviour - hebgets to test your boundaries, while maintaining plausible deniability.

KilkennyCats · 02/07/2025 20:03

missmollygreen · 02/07/2025 19:48

Oh, you were there did you? heard the conversation? Know the man?

Do you have alot of banter in your relationship, OP?
Sounds like a misjudged joke to me.

Show quote history

Oh, just stop it.
There are no circumstances under which you can call someone a cunt “jokingly”.
You must have some pretty strange relationships if you think otherwise.

SummerFrog25 · 02/07/2025 20:04

Ageismlives · 02/07/2025 19:48

Whether he uses the word a lot or rarely is irrelevant. Because it can never be a joke if the person who it's aimed at doesnt find it funny.

Show quote history

It's not supposed to be 'ha ha' funny. It's not 'A joke' it's just 'banter'.

@CalmReader it really is a case of 'you had to be there' no one else heard the tone of voice used. Only you.

in most relationships it's not unusual to say something if you're playing a game & the other person wins. Something 'silly'. We don't use the word 'cunt' either when serious or joking around. Neither of us like it, but we woukd use most other words!!

though not when a 9 yo would hear! She might hear it in the playground, might even say it, but no need to hear it from her parents, even in jest!!

context & tone! Only you were there!

Ageismlives · 02/07/2025 20:06

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2025 20:00

I'm not sure that's how jokes work actually.

If you tell me a knock knock joke and I don't think it's funny, it's still a joke. I don't think a joke only exists if the other person finds it funny. I think we have to factor in intention too.

Show quote history

I think a " joke" that consists entirely on the " joker" calling someone a highly offensive name very much depends on the whether the person being abused finds it funny or not.

And I can't envisage a scenario where a person calling them something offensive like " cunt" could ever be considered a joke by the person being abused.

SummerFrog25 · 02/07/2025 20:07

KilkennyCats · 02/07/2025 20:03

Oh, just stop it.
There are no circumstances under which you can call someone a cunt “jokingly”.
You must have some pretty strange relationships if you think otherwise.

Show quote history

Yes there are!

as I said we don't as we don't like the word, but I know plenty of others who use it in banter/jest.

id use twat, plonker, yet others would think them equal to cunt 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yesimnuts · 02/07/2025 20:08

I would have had a come back to that i would have said yes dear something your not getting for the next 6 months.

abracadabra1980 · 02/07/2025 20:11

AllPlayedOut · 02/07/2025 19:41

That’s not a joke and he didn’t intend it to be one. You deserve better and the situation won’t improve.

100% agree. The day I separated from my second exH was the day he called me a cunt. Final straw for me I’m afraid and having. Even through similar before that my brain simply wouldn’t allow anyone to bring me down again. Breaking up is awful when there are kids involved, but worse is having a mum who dad doesn’t respect - and vocally like this is wholly unacceptable. My kids are now both through uni and thriving-both in very steady emotionally ‘normal’ relationships. I hope my leaving of inacceptable treatment helped them be slightly more emotionally intelligent than their father and stepfather. Living in peace now with my dogs and cat is pure bliss, and the happiest I’ve been for many years. Remember you were ok before you knew he existed, so you can survive without him in your life if you really have to. Wishing you strength moving forward, whatever you decide X

Pancakeflipper · 02/07/2025 20:11

I'd not take it as a joke in that situation. But I won't have that word used in our relationship. If you both use it frequently and in light hearted situations (not raging rows) then perhaps it could be a joke ...

shellyleppard · 02/07/2025 20:12

Thats not a joke. That's him being a horrible person and trying to pass it off as a joke to make himself feel better. Ltb x

SummerFrog25 · 02/07/2025 20:13

SummerFrog25 · 02/07/2025 20:04

It's not supposed to be 'ha ha' funny. It's not 'A joke' it's just 'banter'.

@CalmReader it really is a case of 'you had to be there' no one else heard the tone of voice used. Only you.

in most relationships it's not unusual to say something if you're playing a game & the other person wins. Something 'silly'. We don't use the word 'cunt' either when serious or joking around. Neither of us like it, but we woukd use most other words!!

though not when a 9 yo would hear! She might hear it in the playground, might even say it, but no need to hear it from her parents, even in jest!!

context & tone! Only you were there!

Show quote history

Not sure where I got 9 from 🤷🏻‍♀️ but any age child actually, I still don't swear in front of adult children! Just ingrained I guess.

DysmalRadius · 02/07/2025 20:14

There's a difference between 'It's just a joke' and 'I'm really sorry - that was meant to be a joke but it was too much. I didn't mean to upset you.'

Original poster
CalmReader · 02/07/2025 21:05

Thank you for your replies. As he has form for this I really don’t know what to think. I can’t work out if it’s his sense of humour/banter or if he tries to get away with digs and pass them off as jokes.

I am wracking my brain to remember what else he has said, it’s almost as if I’ve blocked out “the joke” and just remembered him telling me to lighten up, or that it was a joke and I shouldn’t take it to heart 🤷🏼‍♀️it’s definitely happened a lot recently I just wish I’d of made a note of them so I could gain a better understanding!

OP posts:
AllPlayedOut · 02/07/2025 21:08

CalmReader · 02/07/2025 21:05

Thank you for your replies. As he has form for this I really don’t know what to think. I can’t work out if it’s his sense of humour/banter or if he tries to get away with digs and pass them off as jokes.

I am wracking my brain to remember what else he has said, it’s almost as if I’ve blocked out “the joke” and just remembered him telling me to lighten up, or that it was a joke and I shouldn’t take it to heart 🤷🏼‍♀️it’s definitely happened a lot recently I just wish I’d of made a note of them so I could gain a better understanding!

There’s nothing to understand other than he’s verbally and emotionally abusing you while disguising the abuse as a joke. It’s textbook abusive partner behaviour. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Missj25 · 02/07/2025 21:31

londongirl12 · 02/07/2025 19:55

That’s not a word you use in a joke to someone you love.

Exactly this

AuntMarch · 02/07/2025 21:33

londongirl12 · 02/07/2025 19:55

That’s not a word you use in a joke to someone you love.

My friends and I do, regularly.

That said, it's not said quietly as if they aren't supposed to hear it, it's an obvious "tone", and if it upset someone we'd apologise rather than brush it off.