Or can I not take a joke?

[CalmReader]

Myself, DH & DC were playing together the other day and I can’t remember exactly how it came about but he jokingly called me a c*nt, yes DC3 was in the room and although he said it quietly it was directed at me, I heard it and I’m sure she would have too. My face fell to the floor and he obviously realised he’d struck a nerve and said oh I’m joking, of course I’m joking. Funnily enough I didn’t find it funny.

AIBU here or is he? Can I not take a joke?

We’ve had a rough couple of years, and things are quite tense at the moment, but it’s also not the first time he’s said things that are quite nasty as a joke. If I’m honest I’ve only picked up on it recently due to our current situation, so I couldn’t tell you if this has been going on for our whole relationship or not.

I swear he never used to be like this, and we’ve spoken a lot recently about separating (more my choice than his and he definitely doesn’t want this) so I can’t quite tell if I’m just trying to find reasons to justify my thoughts.

It's a word that for some people is completely unacceptable and only ever abusive, but there are people who use it in a jokey/banter way. Not me I hasten to add, but those people do exist.

Just because something is outside your realm of experience it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

That is a word I would never use myself, or accept anyone else using to me/in front of me. My husband would never have used it, and my sons would never use it in front of me - and I truly believe they wouldn't use it in front of their wives either. I find it very offensive.

I have no doubt some people use it regularly and think its a joke to call someone a "cunt"

The bit I dont accept is that the person being called it could ever take it as a joke.

The people who use it as a joke also take it as a joke. They're the same people. There are people who both use it and receive it as banter.

As I said, just because these people are outside of your direct experience it doesn't mean they don't exist.

I have used it as a joke in the past with friends, but it’s a bit different coming from your husband infront of your 3 year old

Oh well if you have used it as a " joke" yourself OP then that is totally different.

If this is normal language for you as well as your H no doubt it will soon be normal language for your child.

I imagine there are some couples who might joke with each other like this, but you’re clearly not one of them. Tell him very firmly that you don’t find it funny and he’s never to do it again. If he does then you won’t be in any doubt next time.

Absolutely.

I think given the status of your relationship it was extremely ill advised at best.

The key is if you've told him in the past that you'd don't like it and he's done it again then it isn't acceptable.

Jumping out and saying BOO can be a joke, but if someone has specifically told you they don't like it and you do it anyway then you are....a bit of a cunt.

You want to separate and he doesn't.
He "jokingly" called you a cunt. In front of your child.
You are understandably upset.
I think it's time to LTB, don't you.

I dont know why you keep talking about " outside my experience" as if I've never met anyone who swears. My goodness I hear my next door neighbour swearing at her primary school children virtually every day, although " fucking" is her swearing word of choice. And is also becoming her children's.

But certainly I dont chose to socialise with people who swear, and why swearing and profanity is seen as a joke is beyond me.

Since OP has now said she uses " cunt" as a joke i am failing to see why she was offended by her H doing the same.

Because you keep saying that no-one would ever/could ever take cunt as a joke.

The bit I dont accept is that the person being called it could ever take it as a joke.

That's what you said.

And I'm telling you that some people do use it in/receive it as banter (including the OP as we've subsequently discovered).

Unfortunately OP I think the context of this is actually quite important here. If for example you were winning the game, and he called you it, it might possibly have been intended as a joke.

My DH and I often insult each other in a jokey way, but he would NEVER call me that as he knows how much I hate the word, so if he said it and claimed it was a joke, I'd know it wasn't, but if that's the sort of language that your DH uses frequently, then, as I say, depending on what the context was, which you seemingly can't remember, it could have been intended as a joke.

I don't know if it makes me a prude or unable to take a joke but I've been with my husband for 15 years and can't think of a time when he's called me a derogatory name, let alone in front of our children. I don't think it's OK.

Because I don’t use it as a direct insult to someone I care about, and would never ever say it infront of my child!

No one thinks "plonker" is equal to cunt for Christ's sake! 🙄

Don't 'Christ sake' me!

people have said that to me before, that it's no different to saying plonker, both slang names for genitalia.

so DFO

I think it very much depends on the “vibe” or your relationship and what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Theres a fair bit of casual cunting in my marriage, but it’s always in a very lighthearted, comedic way and never in front of the DCs - neither of us have ever said it with venom or during an argument.

If it’s something out of the blue, I can see why you’d not take it as a joke. I probably wouldn’t either in this context.

We can't say without being there. Calling someone a cunt may or may not be a joke; it's very nuanced.