Christmas presents

[OliviaVine]

A bit of advice needed please. We are a large blended family. We have 6 children between us, all under 18 except for one who is 23 and moving into his own rented place next week. Obviously Christmas is expensive with 6 children/young adults and each year we have spent pretty much equal amounts on each. Are we being unreasonable by spending less on our eldest at Christmas going forward? He works and is in his final year at uni, or does that seem mean, just because he is older than his siblings and has moved out? Our other children are 7, 8, 12, 15 and 16. I wonder if a single thoughtful gift is fine given his circumstances rather than cash (or lots of gifts) equal to the younger siblings.

I think it’s fine to give him less. A 23 year old should not place the same value on Xmas gifts as a 7 or 8 year old! If not this year, then definitely next year when he’s out of full time education. It’s completely fair if you use the same age/grounds for cutting down gifts for them all as they grow up. At 23 I wouldn’t expect to be treated the same as all my siblings who are still children. He’s a grown up! And I hope when he’s finished uni he starts to buy token gifts for the family, if he’s not already.

I’m late 30s and my parents still treat me and my brother (and our spouses and children) at Christmas.

would have loved more than 2 children but I also wanted to parent as my own parents have, and couldn’t have afforded to do that with more.

We spend the same on them all until they reach 17, after 17 they get a perfume/aftershave, and £50

Same with birthdays, when they reach 18 they get £20 (bigger present for 21st)

@Elevenorso say the eldest is 10 years older than the youngest. Does the eldest keep getting a high amount spent on them until they are 30 but the youngest only until 20? Or do they each have the amount reduced when they reach adulthood? Which is the fairer scenario cos in your scenario the eldest gets way more gifts than the youngest and in mine it’s equal.

I mean, my children will always be my children so I'm not sure I'll arbitrarily stop giving them Christmas presents because they're 20 or 30. My "scenario" doesn't involve stopping gifts.

I would just reduce the overall amount spent on all children if it's too high. I also don't think you necessarily need to spend the exact same amount on each child, that leads to overspending, but I wouldn't do £200 for one of my children and £40 for the other.

If it's a struggle, you should be spending less on all of them.

Mine but why is that relevant?

Are you talking about being less bothered about how much you spend or actually spending less? I think it would be fine to be less bothered about spending an even amount of your 23 year old, but I don't see why you'd spend less. Surely presents are about doing something nice for your child because you love them, I don't see why that changes when they reach adulthood. I can see why you might not be anxious about spending exactly the same to make it fair though.

Spend the same but make the main gift very useful and practical to him moving out. Maybe one cheaper, personal, indulgent gift and the rest of the money on something that he suggests.

Thanks everyone. I meant to add in my op that we had been thinking of setting an age limit, say 23 for all of them so reduce the amount of gifts for each child when they reach that age, not cut gifts for the eldest altogether.

It never stops. At least not in our family; my DM(85) and I (62) still exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas. Likewise with my DC(22, 25).

I’m 40 and my mum still buys me Christmas gifts…

I started to drop it from 21 when they finished uni think it went from £150 to £100. Then when dds met long term partners we started spending £50 on partners and £75 on dds. When they have kids I think we will do £50 each.

The way my DM dealt with this in our blended family was that each child had the same amount allocated to them. It then reduced once those children had children (not by the same amount that was then spent on the grandchildren)
then all grandchildren had similar amounts spent on them

Despite it being a scorching summer day in July, thank you for this thread to remind me to get in early with our family and beg "Please, for the love of God, can we stop doing presents for adults! I don't want anything, and I don't want the hassle of buying you something that you don't want either!"

I'm 43 and mine do too but we weren't suggesting stopping altogether. Just reducing given his age and apply this to them all when they reach that age.

We didn't mean stop altogether as my op says. Just reduce given age and apply this to them all when they reach that age.

As my original post says. We don't mean stop altogether, just reduce given his age. We would then apply this to them all when they reach that age

In our whole family we stop buying significant gifts at 21, for birthdays (except for milestone years) and Christmas, so there’s no expectation of big presents indefinitely. At 23 your DS is an adult, and particularly as he’s now living independently, I’d gently suggest that you’re scaling back, then start to prep the older ones to expect the same in the future.

Hosting Christmas is a huge expense in itself, and my young adult kids appreciate that. I still do a stocking for them and we may exchange token gifts, but it’s just for fun - presents are a fairly minor part of Christmas for us now there are no little ones; it’s much more about spending time together, and they all still love it.

I am of the view that when they are adults they have less spent on them than younger children. My reasoning is that they’ve been alive longer so already had x number of years where they got a larger amount. Christmas is primarily about making it ‘magical’ for younger ones in my view.

Having said that, I would always include adult children and give them a decent present, perhaps just not to the value of the pile for the younger ones.

My parent had 7 kids, they always spent the same on us all. It’s only the last few years we have started just doing secret Santa between us as it was getting crazily expensive. I suppose that wouldn’t help you though as you’d still be the one giving the money to the kids.

I’ve never spent exactly the same on all of mine. In the case of the OP I probably wouldn’t spend as much on a 7 year old as I would on a teenager.
I had DC1 when I was a teenager and from that point I stopped getting the childhood amount of Christmas presents and started getting one gift or a bigger couple gift for me and DH.

My DM still bought me a Christmas present, but nothing like my childhood list.

I think it is okay to reduce the amount when they move out.
A stocking and some cash.

Teenagers get more than the smaller ones, once they're moving it, it reduces again, as the little ones become teens.

By the time mam died, she prioritised the grandchildren and the adult children got a token gift.

Never stopped here, children (eldest is 34, youngest 10), grandchildren and spouses all get the same.

Yeah I wouldn't expect my parents to continue spending several hundred on me as an adult in my 40s, especially not if the adult child has an income greater than the parents. Seems very entitled to me. My original post never said stop, just reduce, given that it seems bizarre to continue buying piles of presents for adult children by parents on pensions. To me it seemed sensible to pick an age (say 23,) that the amount spent is reduced, and this be applied to the other children as they reach that age.