To ask why some men seem so unsettled or suspicious of women who are estranged from their fathers or families, especially when the estrangement is by choice?

[EdgyTaupePoet]

I’ve noticed a pattern, especially in dating: when a woman mentions that she’s no-contact with her dad or estranged from her family, some men seem visibly uncomfortable or start making assumptions. It’s rarely seen neutrally. There’s this underlying suspicion - as if a woman must be the problem if she chose distance or that it somehow makes her “untrustworthy” or “difficult.”

But if a man says he’s estranged from her father, people are more likely to empathise or assume he had a good reason. Why the double standard?

But if a man says he’s estranged from her father, people are more likely to empathise or assume he had a good reason.

Really? I've never seen that.

Are you looking for a double standard where there perhaps isn't one?

I think most of us wonder about these sorts of things when it comes to a potential date.

I'd personally want to know why he's estranged and how many others he's estranged from.

Once I had that info, then I'd make my decision.

I haven't noticed this, ever, to be honest. I mean, some people are uneasy with the mere idea of permanent estrangement from immediate family, anyway, but I haven't noticed that it's gendered, particularly. The person I know who is made most alarmed by the mere idea of people of either sex being estranged from their parents is my mother.

But I imagine some of it comes from the deeply sexist idea that daughters need to behave in a daughterly manner all their lives, dropping in, helping out etc, therefore it's much 'worse' when a woman is estranged from a parent.

I think people are intrigued when anyone is estranged from family gender has nothing to do with it

I find that a lot of men judge everything that women do. I just do what I want.

Agree, especially if they don’t know or have never experienced problematic family members or dynamics.

You see it on here all the time.

Abusive men might think “bugger, this one might actually leave when I get nasty so no point pursuing “?

I'd only see a red flag if someone was estranged from lots of people (unless they were connected ie/ an abusive ex and their family etc) If someone is estranged from lots of unrelated people I would wonder if they were the problem (no matter what gender).

I haven't seen much evidence of this.

It is normal for people to have ongoing relationships with their immediate family, and much less normal for people not to.

So I think a lot of people would be wary of someone who had cut off relationships with their family and would wonder why it was the case.

I agree that context always matters but in my experience (and in a few conversations I’ve had with other women), there does seem to be a subtle difference in how male vs female estrangement is interpreted. When men are estranged, it often met with curiosity or sympathy - when women are, it’s more likely to raise a red flag or trigger suspicion. Not always but enough that I’ve noticed a pattern. I think it’s worth talking about.

I think people who are estranged from their families are often complicated characters. I have a friend who had a horrible childhood and is very damaged by it. No her fault and very very sad for her, but she'd be a challenging partner for any man.

Yes, same here.

Sometimes you'll see a poster saying they're estranged from their mum, dad, brothers, sisters etc and I think it might all be connected.

But if it then transpires they're estranged from their mother in law, father in law, SIL, BIL and they don't talk to their best friend anymore, it makes me view it differently.

Can't say I've noticed this. But anyone estranged from family is a red flag surely, especially if they also don't have many friends

Exactly, I’ve thought about that too. If someone’s used to testing boundaries or relying on power imbalances, then a woman who’s already made hard choices (like going no-contact) might signal that she’s not easily controlled. That could definitely make certain men back off.

I agree with this. My mam has been estranged from her parents since she was a very young adult, and despite having wonderful relationships with the rest of her family (who her parents also estranged themselves from), the damage still shows even though my mam is in her 60s.

I also have a very good friend who will not date men who are estranged from their family, after her marriage to her husband who was estranged broke down. Nobody would ever question her ex’s reason for not wanting contact, but it bled into their marriage and life in general. He had no idea what ‘normal’ families were like, and it made maintaining relationships with my friend’s wider family (and his family members who he still spoke to) very difficult.

100% this.

I’ve never, ever come across the double standard.

If anything, people are more like to assume a woman who is NC is a victim who instigated the estrangement for her own safety, whereas a man who is NC may be responsible for whatever family drama led to it.

What is the red flag here? I agree with the OP btw as I have been on the receiving end of this. My parents (not together anymore they split when I was in primary school) don't bother with me and I got tired of their childish games. I am independent I suppose and not asking anyone to look after me.

But why would this be a red flag? I've noticed friends and would be lovers find it 'off' for want of a better word but I can't make my parents do right by me. It's out of my control.

I’m NC from parents and never experienced this. I can’t imagine what would cause this reaction but maybe the missing context of how/why/exactly what you tell people would explain your experiences OP.

It's none of their business.
One ess thing for them to worry about.
They are dating you not the family.

Excellent point OP
He senses she has boundaries which won't be trampled on.
He does not like this.

Absolute nonsense. You have no idea what people’s situations are.

Both dh and I have no family. Dh doesn’t speak to any of his because they were abusive and treated him differently to all his siblings. He was then sexually abused by a teacher as a young adult and his Mum basically laughed at him about it. He cut off all contact with them when he was about 23.

My Mum was the only family I had. She had schizophrenia and was an alcoholic. I did have my Gran when I was little who looked after me but she died when I was 22. I’m now 44 and have no family left at all now (except dh and dc), Mum died in 2019, no contact with dad. I’m an only child.

Neither dh nor I have friends. Not because there’s anything wrong with us, we have people trying to be friends with us all the time, we just enjoy our own company and don’t feel the need for friends at all.

Anyone who is nc with their dad or families will have real reasons to, so the "red flag" smug pps has said is being judgemental and clueless.

I’m estranged from my family and nobody has ever had a negative response; dating or otherwise. Perhaps I’ve been lucky in the men I’ve met? Or you’ve been unlucky.

I don't think being NC in itself is a red flag, but the issues that lead up to it will have taken their toll and living with someone with MH issues is not necessarily an attractive prospect. I can see why some people might prefer not to get involved.

Quote myself to add - sometimes lovely people are just unfortunate enough to have lots of arseholes in their life and despite their best attempts have walked away for their own sanity.

I think it’s a bit worrying to imply that being no-contact automatically signals mental health issues. It’s a huge assumption - people go NC for all sorts of reasons and many are incredibly grounded and well-adjusted. Choosing distance from dysfunction doesn’t mean someone is dysfunctional.