TO be upset at moving thousands of miles to help my parent in old age, and be told your children are too noisy and an embarrasment in the neighourhood?

[QuintessentialShadows]

I am so so sad. Maybe coming here was a mistake. How could I ever think we could live with my old parents while building our new house? I moved from London to North Norway to help my elderly parents in old age and ill health. Now, we are the embarrasment of the neighbourhood because my toddler is noisy when playing outside! I have been given such a bollocksing, and I am such a bad mum for not teaching him manners, as he should NOT make noises when out on his scooter having fun. All it is is a loud and happpy "Wooooooooooooheeeeeeeeeeiiiii" when he goes down a slope in the garden.

They are simply too old, they dont remember what noises young children make when they play. So far the neighbhour hood has been blessed by 2 girl combinations, and the odd boy in one child families. They dont make MORE noise than usual where two or more boys come together to play.

But where do I go from here?

you're a bigger person than i am.

i couldn't do what you do.

my folks have luckily provided themselves with funds for adequate care when they get too old to look after themselves - although they honestly hope they die before that - and strict instructions to 'put me in a home'.

i feel the same. i hope i die before i get too old and have no qualms about going into an assisted living or nursing care facility rather htan be a blight on my childrens' lives.

my dad has a heart condition and hypertension and when he feels the time has come, he plans to stop taking the meds that keep him from having a fatal heart attack.

my mother has COPD.

I think you've been brilliant and they are being unreasonable about the noise. You need to put your foot down firmly on things like these from the beginning.

We had a bit of a bad time with DH's parents who live in Spain, he is on a flight at this moment to go to MIL's funeral. One thing I have learned from this is that you have to say no when things are too much. It doesn't do anyone any favours if you end up a frazzled wreck and I don't think you should feel guilty for one second if you need to turn round and say something is too much and you need help in to do it.

Hope things improve for you.

Quintessential, expat has said it all already: you're a bigger person than I am. But please don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone. If it helps, I didn't read any "freeloader" implication into Darthvader's post at all (though I obviously can't speak for him/her). I think he/she only meant that the fact that you've not told your parents why you moved (i.e. to help them) means that there's a chance that they see the situation differently to you, which you may not have thought about yet (too busy stressing about everything else there is to worry about ). If you can think about how they (perhaps) see it then you can work out your best, most effective changing-a-few-things-around-here strategy without putting any noses out of joint

Good luck with it, hope things improve soon.

You are doing fab.

Your dad is old and finding the noise unbearable because he is not used to it (I really wish some of our neighbours children were not as loud as they are). All you can do, I think, is keeping reminding them that they are just being happy and it won't be forever as it's only x months until you move out (and have a stiff drink). Perhaps your Dad used to moan about the neighbours children and is now horrified that your dc are noisy too!

QS, I think you're an amazing person to do all that for your parents. I hope this is just teething troubles while they get used to having you and your children around but vent away here whenever you need to.

what about if your parents neighbours came over - you invite them & tell them to say to your parents what wonderful grandchildren they have. How wonderful to hear them play, how lucky your parents are etc. Perhaps if they hear from others how super their grandkids are they'll relax about the noise.

you are doing a great job. please dont feel the need to justify yourself at all.
Keep you chin up knowing that you are doing the very very best for everyone involved, BUT please please make sure you look after yourself as a matter of importance. Everyone would be lost in your family without you helping and dont you forget that.

JaneHH - you did a good job of speaking for me. I was indeed trying to say look at it from your parents' point of view, then you will understand why they are reacting differently from how you expected and have more chance of working out ways forward as a result. I have said nothing about freeloading at all and I think you are reading into my post stuff that just isn't there. If your mother is suffering from Alzheimers she may be losing some empathy and come out with thoughts she would not normally express out loud. this might come over as unreasonable intolerance.

TBH you sound overloaded and isolated and I think these are the real issues. It has been a big decision to move and will need a lot of adjusting to - but your parents need to adjust to it too. Some aspects of this move are clearly helpful to them, but not all aspects will be positive for them, plus they are dealing with huge problems themselves.

It sounds as though the posts you really want right now are the ones of pure sympathy, support & admiration. I am not sure why you feel judged or that you have to justify a position which nobody has attacked! Talking about how things are or might be for your parents is not an attack on you, I just feel that your expectations of them are unrealistic.

at "looking for admiration".

I shall leave this thread now. Clearly I can do no right. I am looking for sympathy and support. Is that wrong? Isnt that what we all do when we post? But admiration? Gawd now I feel deflated.

Maybe I have not been clear enough in recognising good suggestions from so many posters on here, of which there are many.

Sorry guys if it appears I am not taking what you say on board, I am. But some suggestions which appear great to an outsider (like inviting neighbours around) just wouldnt work for reasons that are too longwinded to explain.

Thanks all for posting.

I think it is admirable to look after your parents, most people would agree. I haven't said there is anything wrong with looking for support, of course there isn't, but to be honest you seem extremely oversensitive and ready to take offence when folk are just bothering to try and help.

well we can't all be fluffy rabbits

BOOM

CombustibleLemon

well your head is laughing on its own across the stage from your pooping bot

Watch out, she has back up...

How did that happen?