TO be upset at moving thousands of miles to help my parent in old age, and be told your children are too noisy and an embarrasment in the neighourhood?

[QuintessentialShadows]

I am so so sad. Maybe coming here was a mistake. How could I ever think we could live with my old parents while building our new house? I moved from London to North Norway to help my elderly parents in old age and ill health. Now, we are the embarrasment of the neighbourhood because my toddler is noisy when playing outside! I have been given such a bollocksing, and I am such a bad mum for not teaching him manners, as he should NOT make noises when out on his scooter having fun. All it is is a loud and happpy "Wooooooooooooheeeeeeeeeeiiiii" when he goes down a slope in the garden.

They are simply too old, they dont remember what noises young children make when they play. So far the neighbhour hood has been blessed by 2 girl combinations, and the odd boy in one child families. They dont make MORE noise than usual where two or more boys come together to play.

But where do I go from here?

ChasingSquirrels, I knew it was a joke, my was at my dad, how can he object to the noise if he is so hard of hearing, surely it wouldnt bother him!

I just spoke to my mum.
I told her they were overreacting, that they are really good and well behaved inside, and that my youngest only makes noise when he is with his brother, and that isnt actually very often. I told her that they must have forgotten how noisy children this age really is, and that I am not about to curb him and take him indoors when he is having fun. I can try to ask him be quiet and not shout so much, but I will not make an issue of it.
She has backed down.

Oh my dad, he is a different story alltogether. He is not easily conquered. (My sister is terrified of him, she cant believe how I can stand up to him, I must be the most coregous woman in the world she says) Last time I had a disagreement with him (which was over how I could find it hard to wash the car with a big broom and the garden hose, when he didnt) I said my piece, he said his, we did not speak for three days, until I brought him a cup of coffee and sat down to watch tv with him. We just need a few days to normalize and realize we dont agree but can live with eachother.

glad it was ok with your mum - you will get through this.

Thanks ChasingSquirrels, we had a lovely afternoon out cycling. I did not touch a garden implement, and have kept the kids out of everybodys way. Just in case.

oh QS your poor thing

i hope this gets better soon. your LO sounds lovely. chin up

i would point put that you are the one doing them the favour and thay can keep their rudeness about your children to themself or they can look after their old age without your help

I dont think that would go down so well as I never told them the real reason I am here, mum would be mortified if she knew I uprooted my entire family for them.

Oh I see, well tbh I would tell them if they keep on bout the children But thats just me.
Hope it gets better soon

They have been fine about it this evening, but I think I have to work a little harder at getting them both to talk a little quieter. My parents are 81 and 75, so quite old, and not used to the noise, even if I find it tolerable they might not, and we are in their house.... I wish they could build our house with record speed.

Maybe if you make friends with neighbouring families and have ther kids round to play they'll chill a bit when they realise your DC are not the only noisy kids? Sounds like they are worried about what the neighbours think rather than botherd themselves by the noise.
Ask them if you can have a BBQ.

I've just been thinking about his and it occurs to me that if you are living with your parents at the moment, it could be that your father is the only one suffering from the inevitable extra noise and disruption from having more people around than he's used to, and little ones at that. I think it's quite easy to get used to a lot of peace and quiet (physical comfort seems very important to people after a certain age), and older people sometimes don't like their established routines disrupted in any way. He may be just transferring his own feelings of crankiness onto the neighbours, either consciously or subconsciously, in order to feel less guilty about griping when you have made this massive upheaval to be near him.

So, he's feeling cranky about his routine being upset, doesn't want to appear ungrateful, and is transferring bigtime onto the neighbours. His mood will improve once you are able to move into your own house (as I'm sure yours will too!). It's not easy living with parents as an adult. Too many ishoos.

I remember when my great aunt came to stay to recover from an operation (my grandparents lived with us when I was little) she had this attitude - not wanting me to make happy child noise

my grandpa (her brother) sent her home in the end, because he thought she was being unreasonable and making everyone miserable

I don't think that helps your situation at all, except for you to know that it is their attitude, it is their age and the sheer distance they have from child-rearing, and you should stand your ground and say sorry, this is what children are like, and not feel guilty about it or as if you are a bad mum

Why not rent somewhere close by for a few months until your house is ready?

Not all old folk want 24 hours a day of their grandchildren (although obviously some do)! If you live close by they can have smaller chunks of time together which may work a lot better for all concerned.

It is quite possibly a strain for your parents to share their house with you and your family and if this is true it wouldn't be unusual, and it doesn't mean that they don't want to spend time with you, just that they appreciate their own time and space as well as time with you.

I think your expectations are very high for the move and that reality is always that there are a few bumps in the road.

Also you seem to expect gratitude from your parents that you have moved, yet you say they would not have chosen for you to move, so that is a weird underlying dynamic.

You think you are helping them. They probably think they are helping you by letting you stay in their house.

Another to scond Carmenere. You should plan what you are going to say though, write it down so yoru can't be distracted when they argue back

I agree with Darth Vader. You feel upset because you think they should be grateful that you have uprooted your entire family to be with them, but what they see is that they are giving you free accommodation while you rent out your London house and build another house, and think YOU should be grateful to THEM! They are clearly finding sharing their own house with young children at their age a real strain. They are used to peace and quiet and frankly, small children don't offer that. I'm used to my kids, but when I visit childfree friends who are much younger than your parents they are terribly sympathatic and say things like, 'It's so much work, isn't it?' and "children are tiring aren't they?' and look shattered and even though they are lovely and try to hide it, clearly can't wait for us to bugger off so they can have a gin and tonic in peace and quiet!
I honestly think you should look for somewhere nearby to rent.

Vivace and DarthVader, I somewhat sense that I should justify myself to you. I am a little bit upset as I sense you regard me a freeloader.

They dont get their grandchildren 24 hours per day.
We live in a flat downstairs in my parents house. We have a tiny kitchen, a bedroom, and the kids sleep in a dining alcove, and we have a living room. It is a nice little flat suitable for a couple, but a little on the small side for a family of four. My oldest go to school, and I bring him home around 4 pm. I take my youngest out in the day every day.

I do all the grocery shopping, I do the weekly clean in my parents house, and in our flat every friday. I cook for my family, sometimes I also cook for my parents. I mind my father when my mother is at the hairdresser etc. (He is paralyzed and in a wheelchair) I run errands in town for my parents, I help with her laundry in addition to my own. I also work from home and I do this in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I get to bed 1 am knackered, and get up at 6 am to get my oldest to school and make his packed lunch. My parents are NOT looking after my children, I do that. I have no childcare expectations, no expectations of help with the kids at all.

I came here to help my sick and elderly parents. My mother is in early stages of ALzheimers and she is caring for my dad and looking after the house, she also has terminal cancer. This home is way to big for them in their circumstances and my mum can no longer cope with maintenance and upkeep. I am here so they can keep living in their home without moving. They would not survive a move.

Yes, there are more people in the house, and more noise. I think that for the sake of not moving into a nursing home where they would get more noise and more people and no freedom compared to what they have here, it is a pretty small price to pay.

We are building a house nearby so we can keep coming over and help with the house and the garden. Things like putting the bin out on a thursday night, which they cant do. Shoveling snow daily in winter.
I have a hefty schedule of things that needs doing in the garden, both with the fruit trees and the strawberry fields. I dont have a heart to say to my parents that "sorry, cant do this, it is too much for me". I just want to be able to do this while my kids play outside.

I think I should be able to moan about my parents reducing me to tears over my children being an embarassment because they sometimes play noisily together without being accused of being a freeloader.

We have rented out the house in London, we dont see a penny of the rental income as it goes to the mortgage payments of the interst only mortgage. We have refinanced the London house to get cash to build the new home. It is therefore not convenient to rent elsewhere, we cannot afford it.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone QuintessentialShadows. You're doing an amazing thing to help your parents, and you have every right to come on here and vent.

Good on you QS, you are doing fabulously, and feel free to vent and rant here.
Your feelings are entirely 'justified'.
Nobody has the right to judge another person.

FWIW, my dad was in the same position as yours and in the end he was in a nursing home for three years before he died of another stroke. it wasn't the worst thing in the world and he was very happy there. We thought a move would kill him also, but it didn't.
I looked after my mum after she had a car accident after he died, as a full time carer, and I vowed never again. She recovered, and is now in fine venom when my DD makes 'noise', or is 'childish' - my DD is three also.

Dd has begun to not like nana, as she hisses at her to be quiet, and I'm in agreement with my DD. The less we see of nana the better we like her.

Anyway rambling over - just thought you'd like to know that you are not alone. And we are here to support you!

qs i symapthise completely with you

be up front and honest - all the best with it