Enjoying life without friends - please tell me about it

[Soulfulunfurling]

I don’t know if this is a stage of life I have got to (55+) or I am burnt out or something, but I have had enough of friendships. I should start by pointing out I am a good friend to most. I used to enjoy going out, having fun and deeper connections one to one. Lately I have just had enough.

I find it draining, boring, a waste of precious energy and I want to spend more time in solitude. To have time to read, research, study, walk alone. This has taken me by surprise as an extrovert, this is a new feeling.

I can’t be bothered any longer - it’s not really them, it’s me. I just need a chapter of self exploration, meeting my own needs, lean into emotional independence.

If you have chosen this way of life can you tell me what makes it enjoyable? What did you learn about yourself? What happened when something awful happened? Usually I would talk to a friend when experiencing difficulties, but what if I don’t need or want to?

I feel I am conditioned to have ‘lots of friends’ but I’m questioning now if it’s serving me well. It feels possibly liberating to do something else…

Well i guess it really depends how long you've been feeling like this. If it's just a random phase or you're feeling down atm it might not be prudent to get yourself into a situation, like losing all your friends that you can't come back from.

I was thinking more of taking a step back rather than a wholesale ditching exercise.

I think you need to keep a little correspondence up with friends, as you may benefit from the connection in the future. Just so relations arnt awkward in the future.

I had a group of "friends" that got jealous (told me so, I m not making assumptions), and essentially turned on me, during the pandemic. I think they had too much time on their hands, some had irrational jealousies and some had misdirected anger, they were using me as their punchbag. I had to walk away from ALL of them. Once it subsided, they tried to make out it was a joke. It really, really was not. There was endless ripples of effects afterwards.

So my friendship group collapsed. When I get bored, I seek out company and I (now) realise much of the company is not that beneficial for me.

Now thatbI m perimenopausal, I m finding solitude calming, and I find my work is a good distraction and can be calming.

I m neither a punchbag, a therapist or a toy for anyone. Many, many people are very selfish and use people to boost their ego.

There is a great freedom to being independent, free from judgment, gossip and group think.

Surely you don’t need to contemplate life without friends, though. I have lots of friends, but I’ve been having a tough time this last eight or ten months and have seen very few people, by choice. I just communicated honestly with my friends and said I was withdrawing for a bit. Wanting to spend more time alone is a perfectly natural impulse but can absolutely be done without ditching friends. It’s possible you might want to change the situations in which you see them, too, when/if you see them, if the status quo no longer working for you.

What I’m saying is that you can have exactly what you want without ditching your friendships.

Is it the person or the activity? I love my friends, they are brilliant, but still if I don’t fancy what they’re planing I don’t go.

I think taking a step back is fine, ghosting them etc I don’t think is a good idea. People who spend too much time in their own company rarely do well as they get older IME. You need friends to get you through late middle age!

That’s fair enough then.

I have been reflecting on different ways of interacting with my own friends - and have found would also prefer to join a quiet reading circle with a shared pot of tea, or want to embrace learning (in my case Greek mythology!) together. A far cry from the rosé days!

I also think some friends do different ‘roles’ (I can’t think of a less functional word, sorry) and it’s ok for the frequency of these to evolve over time, and for you to decline (always) being the emotional confidant if that’s not reciprocated. But these roles and your own needs will continue to change over time.

Are you out socialising every day? I think it's good to spend some time on your own, but there needs to be a balance, it's unhealthy to be a hermit. I think it's fair enough to phase out friends who you don't have much in common with anymore, but I wouldn't burn bridges entirely by having a dramatic fall out.

I have basically one good friend who I haven't really seen in a couple of years as she's been busy with work and having a baby. We've just reconnected this year and she's now in a position to meet up more often, I'd forgotten how good it feels to just have a cuppa and a chat. It's made me realise I need to get out and try to make some more close friends, otherwise I'm going to be lonely when I retire.

I'm passing the time of day more with strangers. I m less inclined towards enmeshment and more content with highlevel chitchat.

Oh I agree - I can't be bothered with friends anymore either - I've had too many friendships where I've ended up giving far more into it than I've got back. I have friends that I think well of and are still fond of but I'm not going to chase them. I live alone (widow, in my forties) and am happy with my own company and have my family who I see weekly. I can trust and rely on them far more than any friend and they are enough.

That is absolutely compatible with retaining friendships. As a pp said, just be honest, communicate with them, tell them you value the friendships but you're not feeling sociable, and that you're taking a step back from socialising.

Though if you're finding your current social patterns 'draining' and 'boring', I'd also be considering whether how/when/how often etc you see friends may need changing, whether that's related or not.

I thought this was going to be another post about someone whose friends disappeared

I am the person whose friends disappeared. So I can kind of tell you what happens in this situation but not by choice.

I've become emotionally self-sufficient, I suppose, though I wasn't really one for talking about my emotions anyway. I haven't learned anything about myself that I didn't already know.

I don't know what happens if I wind up in the hospital or something - I have no family or anyone else to help so I imagine it will be bloody awful.

I think a lot of people are choosing your path, hence why so many of us are isolated. It's clearly a very popular choice though, I'm not criticising it.

I will say, if you abandon your friends and want to go back to them, don't expect a welcome. People aren't toys to be picked up and dropped at will.

I am an introvert with very few friends but I have always been that way, and I get what I need socially from my family. If you are usually extroverted and feel that you want to isolate yourself that could be a red flag for your mental health.

I understand that but I am really tired. Deeply tired of so much in life and need to check out for a while. Yes I might mention that to them, so they don’t worry. I used to love being with them, so it’s definitely a me thing.

It’s taking too much from me, along with my teens, dc, job, animals etc, I just don’t have the same resources any longer. I would like a much quieter life.

I am sorry for anyone that feels isolated, it’s not a nice feeling if you didn’t choose that for yourself.

I think you just need to say no to social occasions for a bit while you are feeling so tired and overwhelmed. Just say you’re feeling run down and needing some you time. Please don’t withdraw permanently from the friendships as you may not always feel like this.

I think the bigger issue why you are so tired - could lack of hormones be a factor? Or depression?

Im sorry you’re feeling rubbish.

I feel exactly the same as this. Completely happy and content at home with DH and the dogs. Love chatting to the neighbours, people out walking their dogs, people at my hobby. But that is more than enough interaction for me! DH is the same.

I wish I lived in a cabin alone sometimes, I love solitude, Reading....peace.
There's some great YouTube channels to follow people who to live like this, who are deep thinkers etc.
One in particular is called 'reflections of life', lovely to listen to wise people who just live in calm peace. Also Joanne jinton is great.
I like watching these because I don't know people in regular life who thinks like this. X

I’m only in my late 20s but I feel this way too. I have a small handful of friends I enjoy being around but otherwise it feels like I’m spending lot of time, effort and money to have an OK time with someone when I would have much more fun staying in and reading a book.

I also feel like friendships can sometimes bring very negative experiences - being ditched for a new boyfriend, being left out, etc etc - and I would rather just not deal with it. Protect your peace and all that.

I don’t want to withdraw from friendships entirely because I worry that’s not healthy but I’m definitely becoming more selective with my friendships. I’d love to hear stories of older women who feel/have done the same.

Ok so you don’t want friends

do you at least have family you are close to

otherwise this sounds like you cutting yourself off from any kind of human closeness

This is it. I want some space for thinking, reflecting, it’s not so much my friends as the general noise of life. I need some solitude and some peace. I love the people around me. Just intrinsically feel the demands of life and the chaos is causing me to retreat.

Do you have fsmily?
I have little friendships in my life (a couple of friends I see a few time a year) but I do a lot with my family so I’m getting a social fix.
my hobbies - painting, crosswords, cross-stitch and reading are all pretty solitary though.

Friendship isn't entirely about you (or at least it shouldn't be). Thinking of relationships as things you can just pause is very narcissist.

If you want to be alone go ahead. I think you will regret it. An old age charity has plastered train stations in adverts about loneliness in old age and they didn't do that because solitude is such fun times for all. But your choice. Just don't assume you get to choose to undo it afterwards.

So how much time do you spend socialising each week and what sort of socialising? What’s your actual schedule and how much mental load do you have?

A lot of women go through a period of self reflection around this time due to menopause.

That might be the issue. I am constantly on speed dial for friends issues, teen dc, my work. I am actually giving too much, not too little.

I have a huge amount of mental load, and I see a lot of friends (3 plus a week) plus my work, dc and dh. Family. The demands at this point just feel relentless.

There is a mid approach to this.
could you explain you are busy and going to be less available to these people rather than completely withdrawing?