Enjoying life without friends - please tell me about it

[Soulfulunfurling]

I don’t know if this is a stage of life I have got to (55+) or I am burnt out or something, but I have had enough of friendships. I should start by pointing out I am a good friend to most. I used to enjoy going out, having fun and deeper connections one to one. Lately I have just had enough.

I find it draining, boring, a waste of precious energy and I want to spend more time in solitude. To have time to read, research, study, walk alone. This has taken me by surprise as an extrovert, this is a new feeling.

I can’t be bothered any longer - it’s not really them, it’s me. I just need a chapter of self exploration, meeting my own needs, lean into emotional independence.

If you have chosen this way of life can you tell me what makes it enjoyable? What did you learn about yourself? What happened when something awful happened? Usually I would talk to a friend when experiencing difficulties, but what if I don’t need or want to?

I feel I am conditioned to have ‘lots of friends’ but I’m questioning now if it’s serving me well. It feels possibly liberating to do something else…

I think a person would regret this decision if facing a tough time. At various times a group of us have always been there when in turn we have needed friendships.

You are very busy with people and I can imagine how you’ve reached this point where you want a break from them and all the extra busyness they create. I think you are right to take a step back for as long as you need. You’ve said you don’t want to cut ties completely and I think that’s very wise. Finding new friends is really hard, so don’t alienate the ones you have.

It might be difficult for you to explain how you feel and that you want to be reclusive for a while without hurting their feelings and then have them drop you. I avoid lying as much as possible, but in your position I might make an exception and say I was doing a very intensive course and won’t be contactable for x number of weeks. That’s not a million miles from the truth. I wouldn’t leave the timeframe open ended because that would be unkind and a bit much to leave them hanging indefinitely.

Enjoy your downtime. I hope you get what you need from it and find yourself refreshed and re-enthused. I know that’s not a word but I think it should be 😬

I'm not sure your friends would take it very well if you tell them you're stepping back, or however you word it. You can't drop and pick up friends when you like, which is one reason why I don't have any. I've always dreamed of having strong friendships, but I realised I only wanted them on my own terms. Which isn't how friendships work. Now I just have a boyfriend. I enjoy the occasional chat with colleagues at work or neighbours or family. But nothing more.

I'm in my 50s and feel the same. I had DC young so they're both in their 30s and single by choice currently (as am I). I do a few things with one or the other, or both of them. Cinema, meals out, day trips, some holidays/mini breaks, those kinds of things. And for me they're the best company because I have so much more in common with them than I've ever had with any friend. Obviously they have their own friends and do things with them but I don't need more interaction. That's enough for me.

I invested in friendships because I believed that's what you were meant to do. Even when I knew really that I was flogging a dead horse! I'd rather do things I enjoy alone, than spend time with people for the sake of it.

The best thing I did for myself was to go abroad alone for 6 months. That was in my late 40s. I moved into a sort of share house place, took language classes. It was actually after that, that I started living life more on my terms. That time alone, thinking only of myself, showed me what is important to me and that I didn't really need other people that much. I loved it.

As far as what do I do when something awful happens. Well, something awful happened when I had friends and it didn't help at all! It wasn't their "fault". It was the type of thing where there was really nothing they could do or say that would have helped. So they said and did nothing and that made me feel more alone than if they hadn't been around.

If I want friends later I can join stuff and make some. I'm what I think they call an extroverted introvert. In that I can be very outgoing and sociable when I want to. So I'm not worried that I'll end up lonely. I may not even want to but we'll see.

I'd claim anemia and take a break. I see so many women not giving time to friendships and unlike men, we generally can't walk into a pub when the football/racing is on and find people to talk to. Going off threads on here, older established friendship groups. Family situation changes and again I see so many older people wanting time from their family, that they don't have it give. Take a break, rather than end friendships, but think about why some people make you feel burnt out and distance yourself.

What happens if family aren't around for various reasons.

I have lots of friends but I have pulled back from family in recent years. Like you say, I found spending time with them utterly draining. They’re not bad people and they mostly mean well even when they’re being draining, but we live in different worlds and have fundamentally different values. So I gradually stopped spending so much time with them and it has worked wonders for my mental health.

I think it’s important to prioritise your wellbeing and not feel guilty about it. I’m a big advocate of people - women especially - being more selfish.

I hope the solitude lifts you out of your stupor - perhaps go on a solo trip? A week by the beach reading and reflecting. 😊 Best of luck.

Well I'm an introvert so can share from the other side.

I get energy from doing things alone; I like reading long form articles in the newspapers and currently business magazines, I do online courses (admittedly these do involve participants with an option of face to face meetups), learning new cooking skills, gym classes where I go and leave, swimming (excellent for mindfulness). I also listen A LOT to music and podcasts. I track my own projects and goals.

All of that is enjoyable. I like calm, peace, avoiding drama, creativity, being master of my own time.
I've learned I need face to face interaction every couple of days, walking in nature is good for my soul, doing things that have a purpose above myself is also important to me.

When awful things happen....not sure as both my parents are still here...call them for a chat...without that I would probably go (literally or mentally) to a calm place and put on some calm sounds and make myself feel as calm and safe as possible...you just remind yourself that you are safe. There's also the Samaritans, you don't need to be suicidal to call them for a chat, if you feel existentially lost.

I personally do agree that if you are not an introvert then this will not be easy for you. I love the way I am, but some people naturally are introverted, others are not.

I think you would be better trying to find a way of being an extrovert in a way that is comfortable - give yourself a 'me' day for example. It sounds more like feeling burned out and wanting to change your life and realising that you need to do that.

Think back to how you were naturally as a child around 7-8, what did you enjoy doing, rediscover some of that.

I think rather than dumping your friends just tell them that your busy at the moment but arrange to meet up with them in a month or 6 weeks time. I have a number of relatives in the 70's to early 80's. I saw how important friends were to these woman as they got older. One lady got great support when her marriage ended. I know several people whose friends were helpful when they were dealing with health issues.

I know a lady who never married and was made redundant in her late 50's. Due to a friend she got another job after this. She kept in contact with friends even when they moved to other parts of the country. She also kept in contact with her relatives and meets up with them regularly.
She is now in her late 70's and has a good life going places, doing things and going on holidays. Most people that met her think she years younger than she is and is still in good physical and mental health.

I think as well that as you get older it important to have friends and a social life for both your physical and mental health.

I am very late 30s and I'm feeling this way too. The answer?

Low key friendships that are really good friendships but we see each other every couple of months. In contact in whatsapp.

Perfect for me. I really enjoy seeing them when I do though.

Ha, I'm currently enjoying the solitude before the summer holidays begin and I have to spend the next six weeks being sociable with my child and all his cousins, aunts uncles and grandparents! Dh has also taken some leave so this is my last little bit of time to myself.

You sound as if you need a retreat or maybe a sabbatical from all the demands of everyday life. Time with friends may be easier to take off your schedule than time away from work and family demands. You can hopefully take a break from seeing your friends and resume when you are ready.
FWIW, a friend of mine caused a lot of upset by trying to do something a bit similar. She relegated a lot of her friends to Christmas cards only and rationed meetings with others to every 3 months. She did it for reasons like yours, but she put it that she was too busy to see or phone them except at certain times, which felt both bossy and rude, because they were all busy too. I think it would have worked better if she'd told everyone concerned that she was burnt out and had decided to stop socialising for the next six months, rather than grabbing control of the meetings that did happen. Then people would have left her in peace.