Dad’s death and not sure what to do

[samplesalequeen]

Hi all

My dad died in January. He’d been unwell but he collapsed at home and I performed CPR on him. I broke his ribs with the force of it and I can remember pleading with him to stay while I was doing it. I only did CPR for probably 5 or so minutes before the paramedics showed up but I’m haunted by the whole experience - I find myself thinking about his poor ribs and I can
see his face as I kneeled above him. I was ok for a while after it. I think it was probably shock but as the months have passed I feel so upset that this is how it ended. There was no peace - just trauma and chaos.

i would give anything to tell him that I love him and I tried my hardest to keep him alive.

I suppose my AIBU is to ask if anyone has been in this position before?

I have, it's a horrible thing to have to experience. I'd advise seeking help to cope with the trauma.

He will have known how much you love him as you fought for him. It’s hard to see the positives but he was not alone, he was with you, which would have been a real comfort. Xxx

Not in that exact position but it's common to feel guilt in the early stages of grief whatever the circumstances. Kindly, OP, you couldn't have done more or better for your dad and I'm sure he was proud of you. He knew that you loved him and were doing your best. 💐

You did your very best under really difficult circumstances. I agree have counselling.

OP my heart goes out to you.

You were very courageous to fight for your dad and not just freeze like many would.

💐

That must have been extremely traumatic. I haven't been in that exact scenario but a family member did have a heart attack whilst I was at their house. Other family members took charge, and it worked out ok in the end. But it was a huge shock even though I was on the periphery and looking after the spouse.

Grief takes many forms and no-one travels the same path. There is no right or wrong. You had a very traumatic experience and you would probably benefit from some support from a grief counsellor.

I am sure your dad knew he was well loved by you.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/support/support-if-youve-given-cpr

You may find this helpful. You did what you needed to in a very traumatic situation. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You did everything you could OP to help your dear Dad.

I agree with pp who suggested councilling to help you through this difficult time.

Sending you good wishes.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP and in particular the circumstances you found yourself in. I hope you can take some comfort in being there for your father, at a big toll to yourself. He absolutely knows through your actions and your presence that you love him and tried your hardest.

I hope you can find peace and some comfort, and please seek support (Resuscitation Uk, British Heart Foundation and others may be a possible place to start). 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had to do CPR on a stranger who was almost certainly dead when the paramedics took over. I can't imagine the trauma of doing CPR on someone you love.
It really helped me to talk through what happened with a doctor relative. It helped me put things in perspective - particularly finding out that CPR rarely works outside a hospital.
Would you be open to asking your GP if there's any sort of counselling available?

From what you’ve described, he would have been unaware of the CPR and the broken ribs. But he would have known you were there with him because hearing is often the last sense to go. He would have heard your voice and known you were right there next to him. There was peace for him.

You've experienced an awful trauma. Grief is chaotic. There’s no timeline or route. You might find counselling helpful in helping to process that incident. But a few months is nothing in the scope of grief for losing a parent. Be kind to yourself, feel what you feel, let yourself grieve when you want to, but also try to remember the nice times you were with your dad, the happy memories. Don’t let that one last time take over your other memories.

You did your best - CPR isn't like on casualty it often ends up with broken ribs and doesn't always work well outside hospital (but need to try).
He would have known you loved him from the previous many years not just the last few minutes - you were by his side at the end

I can only tell you my own experience. My DF had a cardiac arrest in hospital. He was " successfully " resuscitated . He also had broken ribs and this is incredibly common when chest compressions are performed . He had no memory of the arrest or any pain and was unaware of the resuscitation process / shocks etc . He was also very ill but "lived" to suffer a lot longer than he would have wished and he wanted it recorded that he should not be resuscitated again .
OP, your DF would have known how much you loved him and that you would have tried to keep him with you, but from your OP he was very ill, and it was his time .
I was with my DF when he eventually died and it took time to get the dying image of my DF out of my head but it did fade , it's early days for you .Sending love .

Contact your GP if your struggling there should be some bereavement support available.

If you do chest compressions properly it will likely break ribs on the person you perform it on (I'm a Paramedic and it's really common). He wont have had any awareness of it.

Just because it wasn't successful doesn't mean you did anything wrong or didn't do it well enough. CPR very rarely works, something like 3% of those who have a cardiac arrest outside of hospital ever survive to be discharged from hospital (and this will generally be the otherwise well 50yr old who had a heart attack - i.e relatively 'easy' problem to fix, rest of the organs are young enough to allow recovery. Generally we don't expect CPR to work on anyone over 65yrs old to survive to hospital let alone survive to discharge - occasionally they do but its very rare.

But please seek support. Everyday family members are pushed to perform cpr when really it's really traumatic for those giving it when there's no realistic prospect of success. - get those DNACPRs people I'm getting mine at 65 (scarily not very far away, suspect NHS will still be expecting me to be working/performing CPR which is a scary thought!!)

if you did CPR well enough to break ribs you did a really good job and gave him the best chance possible of surviving. Very few people who have an out of hospital cardiac arrest get CPR before paramedics arrive so it was an incredible thing to do (particularly for 5 mins, because it's flipping exhausting too). Most people don't survive cardiac arrests though even with excellent resus. It is traumatising, but perhaps slightly less so than it would have been to not do anything and not give him any chance of surviving. Therapy can really help (from experience).

My brother died suddenly four years ago and CPR was performed on him by his girlfriend and then by paramedics. I miss him dreadfully but am so comforted by the fact that he wasn’t alone, and that his family who loved him, paramedics and call handler were with him until the very end. We have hands to welcome us into the world and I’m so glad that he had hands to see him onto the start of his next journey.

Bless you I'm so sorry you've had this terrible experience on top of grieving for the loss of your Dad.

I saw my DH being given CPR by a machine in March - I've never seen anything so horribly violent before. It was punching him in the chest so hard I'm sure several ribs were broken. His ribcage and chest were depressed by several inches - nothing like in the movies. He still died.

You tried and you did the right thing. That's all you could have done and I'm absolutely sure he would thank you if he could and tell you to let it go. Scream into a pillow - I find it helps.

You're going through complex grieving. It will get better, I promise. Keep talking here or anywhere to get it out.

You fought like a warrior to keep your dad alive. He would be immensely proud of what you did for him, I have no doubt.

Practically:- I've seen plenty of CPR - it's brutal - ribs do often break during. It also doesn't work for many. The odds were stacked massively against you both.

Emotionally:- My dad went into cardiac arrest in hospital (rather conveniently, on a cardiac ward with several cardiologists chatting at his bedside and all the equipment to hand). He was successfully resuscitated and spoke a little of what he experienced during the time they battled to bring him back. No stress. No fear. An immense feeling of safety and peace. Someone beckoning him toward them. The experience - as woo as it sounds - has entirely removed his fear of death.

As traumatic as the experience was for you, my belief is your dad would have experienced the absolute opposite X

Do you have children OP? I can see how this could be upsetting to consider but it may give you a perspective you haven't considered.

Try to think about how you would want them to feel if they were (touch wood) ever in this awful situation. You would want them to know that of course you knew how much they loved you and how hard they fought for you. You'd want them to know that you shared a wonderful life together and the way it ended doesn't change any of that. You'd want them to know that any injury inflicted was probably not even felt at that point and that it was only because they were fighting so hard for you. You'd want them to remember all the love you shared. You wouldn't want them to be in pain.

yes I have two children who are 12 and 8.

I was very honest with them that I tried to help keep their beloved grandpa alive but it didn’t work and me and granny were with him at
the end. I told them that I told him how much they loved him and how thankful we all were that he loved us. This seems to have comforted them.

I’m so sorry ❤️

grief cuts like a knife. I hope you’re coping ok.

Sending love to you.

that would have been such a shock. His poor girlfriend as well. How was she afterwards? X

Have a look at EDMR therapy

I don’t know if this will help, but my XP is a paramedic. There would never be a week passing where he hadn’t accidentally broken someone’s ribs whilst performing CPR. It’s pretty unavoidable with older people unfortunately.

You did all you could. I agree that counselling might help. 💐

It will have been very, very obvious to him how much you loved him. Words are not always necessary. The only thing to regret is that he's gone, but nothing you did or didn't do. Grief is just a bit shit, really, and it takes time to come to terms with the simple truth of missing him. In my case, at least, that's the long and the short of it, and it's been years since my father died.