Why are people so mean about parents?! Specifically single parents!

[Winamy192]

I don’t know if it’s the general consensus or just my personal experience but I find it so frustrating the level of assumptions that are made about parents and especially single parents.

I am a single parent have one DS2 - I work full time and his ‘dad’ doesn’t see him at all, I go through CMS but he works cash in hand and claims benefits so I get £29 a month.

But whenever I get into an (mainly) online discussion on social media I seem to either get ‘you chose the wrong person to have a child with’ like his failings are somehow my responsibility?!

Or there’s an assumption that I’m ‘lazy’ and don’t work and stay home claiming everything I can.

Now the latest is that because I work full time and use childcare with funded hours and tax free childcare that taxpayers money shouldn’t be used to support working parents as it’s a lifestyle choice. The ‘don’t have kid if you can’t afford them’ brigade. But now the same people are basically telling me what a shit mum I must be cause I’m not a stay at home mum and I work full time, asking why I bothered having a child in the first place just to outsource his care to the state.

‘I’m a taxpayer and I don’t want my money funding your choice to have a child’ like I’m not a taxpayer myself 🙄

It feels like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t!!

Is society really such a mean and selfish place these days?! Or is it just social media where it’s faceless pretty much and these are people who wouldn’t dare say it if they couldn’t hide behind a keyboard?

I genuinely can’t understand it - I have no issues with my tax contributions being used to make life a little easier for those who need it!

AIBU?! Am I just seeing the worst of people?! Or is this attitude normal? And I will say it generally seems to be people at least a generation older than me with this attitude. I’m 35 for context.

You don’t need to understand. Just rise above and ignore.

I've seen that attitude a lot. People like to look down their noses at others. If you look back through history, there's always been a moral judgement on single mothers - unless you were a widow, then you became an object of pity.
I just avoid people who voice ignorant views about single parents. I know plenty of single parents who have raised wonderful children. Most of the moaners would have a thrombosis if they had to put in the work and make the sacrifices that single parents have to.

Lone parent here, chin up, you are doing brilliantly! And the first rule of misogyny is ….women are to blame for what men do. And yes, women can also have internalised misogyny and put the blame on you too. They are all assholes.

Mum's at the school and nursery are always so surprised when they hear I am a single mum... I think they have a very negative stereotype jn their head, almost from a tv show type of thing.
I do understand the frustration of being labelled and thought less than. But actually I will quite happily tell people that I am happier as a single parent than before, and more importantly my kids are happier too. When they solo parent for a weekend while their partner is away they now say they don't know how I do it. I try to remind myself that I am helping to adjust this negative stereotype and also I do care far less now than I did when I was thinking about ending the relationship with their dad. Who cares what the ignorant people think? They aren't my kind of people anyway.

It’s not ‘parents’ it’s mums. And it’s misogyny. When single dads so what you do, a parade is thrown.

Ignore, I did when my 2 were young.

But whenever I get into an (mainly) online discussion on social media I seem to either get ‘you chose the wrong person to have a child with’ like his failings are somehow my responsibility?!

That happens ALL THE TIME on Mumsnet, and it does my head in. And I'm not a single mother!

What do people get out of saying things like that? You have my full sympathy.

So true!

Ignore, after I had mine my respect for the parent that stuck around grew.

YANBU. Please don't let the haters get to you. Women are judged harshly. Whether they have zero children or 20 the woman will be judged and condemned. You are doing great.

Tell me about it. Pregnant with my eldest at 15/16, looked even younger because I'm a shortass and SO many rude comments even today. Im not even a single mum but of course they assume you are 🙄

I don’t get the hate on single parents. Like, why are we giving a hard time to the one that STAYED?

But the people making these comments are also parents….

This is so true. For women it’s a societal expectation where no less is acceptable and it’s made as difficult as possible, for men it’s a huge sacrifice that they don’t abandon their baby and choose to parent alone for which we should all stand in awe of their selflessness 🙄

If there's one thing I've learned on mumset and wider social media, it's that women and mothers can not do anything right. Ever.

When a man leaves his wife and kids no one batters an eye. But when a woman doesn’t it all hell breaks loose. Even when children live with the father full time the woman get the hate unlike part time fathers.

Was the same in the 90s and 00s when I was in the main throes of single parenthood. Thick skin required.
And you’re doing great! In case you forget 😊

I think in certain areas, Mumsnet often being one of them, mothers simply can’t win regardless.

Work full time? You’re a terrible mum, palming your kids off at nursery.

Don’t work? You’re a terrible mum, scrounging and relying on the state to feed and house your kids.

Single mum? You chose the wrong person to have kids with.

In a relationship that’s having issues? Why are you not putting the kids first and leaving.

Thankyou all I’m glad it’s not just me!! It doesn’t upset me as such it’s just the injustice of it and I can’t help but bite and stick up for myself.

there’s a lot of things you’ve all raised - the stereotype in people’s heads is definitely a thing!!

A man being a single parent gets a parade but a woman has brought it all on herself 🙄

I mean even if you have those opinions why would voice such nastiness publicly - the most surprising of all is the women who share the same opinions!

Apparently I can’t have a career and be a good parent. It’s like some people want to rewind generations.

I’m just glad it’s not only me that it frustrates. And I will be making absolutely sure my son doesn’t have this attitude as he gets older!!

Yes!!! This is it in a nutshell

I think some people genuinely think it's a failing on the woman's side somehow. For example the amount of times we're at a family get together and my sister in law will plate/help her 3 DC plate their meal from the buffet/BBQ. Then plate my brothers. Then her own. I said something once to my teens about not expecting that from a husband/ wife and SIL said "yes well, maybe that's why you can't keep a man"! I mean, id rather be single forever than wait hand, foot and finger on another fully able adult!

And then with others I think they know there's probably nothing you could have done to "keep a man" and are therefore worried that if your DP/H could leave, so could theirs.

And some people are just weird. I've had assumptions that my DC have different dads (they don't), that i only had them to get a council house (chance would be a fine thing!) Or that i only had them so I could claim benefits. (Because that's so much money!)

My favourite ever though was when another mum said "oh, I didn't realise you're a single mum. Your children are so well behaved"

Yup

Man sleeps with a woman (takes a minute)

Walks away. He walks away.

Woman sleeps with a man (then has a child to take care of for the rest of her life, or at least till the child is 18)

Whatever you do in life, there’s going to be someone who disagrees. Just rise above it, and fuck ‘em.

Yes the assumptions! Omg that drives me mad.

I had my career and bought my house before I had my son - he was totally unplanned from a relationship that was very early days but still people assume I must have been an awful ‘wife’ yet I’ve never been one at all 😂

I actually have really enjoyed it just being me and the little one it’s been a breath of fresh air when I compare to my previous relationships and how the majority of them wanted mothering which I will never ever do again!!

and the benefits thing - I don’t think one person has ever not assumed that I must be on benefits cause I’m a single parent. Which there’s nothing wrong with but it’s again the stereotypes that go with it

Im Not a single parent but was a young one (16) so I get it the assumptions are insane. Of course all the kids must have different dads and you must be on benefits. Even inviting people to your house that you brought and they start muttering darkly about "the council" 😒 when you look even younger than you are because of your height too it never ends