Why are people so mean about parents?! Specifically single parents!

[Winamy192]

I don’t know if it’s the general consensus or just my personal experience but I find it so frustrating the level of assumptions that are made about parents and especially single parents.

I am a single parent have one DS2 - I work full time and his ‘dad’ doesn’t see him at all, I go through CMS but he works cash in hand and claims benefits so I get £29 a month.

But whenever I get into an (mainly) online discussion on social media I seem to either get ‘you chose the wrong person to have a child with’ like his failings are somehow my responsibility?!

Or there’s an assumption that I’m ‘lazy’ and don’t work and stay home claiming everything I can.

Now the latest is that because I work full time and use childcare with funded hours and tax free childcare that taxpayers money shouldn’t be used to support working parents as it’s a lifestyle choice. The ‘don’t have kid if you can’t afford them’ brigade. But now the same people are basically telling me what a shit mum I must be cause I’m not a stay at home mum and I work full time, asking why I bothered having a child in the first place just to outsource his care to the state.

‘I’m a taxpayer and I don’t want my money funding your choice to have a child’ like I’m not a taxpayer myself 🙄

It feels like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t!!

Is society really such a mean and selfish place these days?! Or is it just social media where it’s faceless pretty much and these are people who wouldn’t dare say it if they couldn’t hide behind a keyboard?

I genuinely can’t understand it - I have no issues with my tax contributions being used to make life a little easier for those who need it!

AIBU?! Am I just seeing the worst of people?! Or is this attitude normal? And I will say it generally seems to be people at least a generation older than me with this attitude. I’m 35 for context.

Yes! Not only am I a single mum, but I was (relatively) young, and short. Even now people tell me I can't possibly be old enough to have a 20 year old. And then judge that I must have been 14 or something.

And I was never married, but was with their Dad for 10 years.

Because if women were terrified of the stigma of being a single mum, they wouldn't leave their abusive, useless or just plain dull partners, no matter how awful they were. And the men could enjoy all the perks of having sex on tap and being waited on, without having to even attempt to be better. Just like in the old days.

That's why the patriarchy hates single mums. We're a living breathing reminder that we don't have to put up with their shit.

The shocking, shameful thing is when other women slag off single mums. Seriously, check your internalised misogyny 🙄

Oh just roll your eyes and ignore. I work one half day a week so I can do all the kid shit. I get judged for not having a proper career because I’m setting back the feminist cause (or something) and setting a terrible example to my daughter, and I must be bored witless cooking and cleaning all day (I have a cleaner and Dh cooks 🙄). Oh and I mustn’t have any pride relying on a man for money and what will I do about a pension (gasp, I have a pension and my finances are solid, thanks).

As a woman you get judged. You just do. So ignore it and surround yourself with people who don’t give a fuck.

Agree 100%. The worst misogyny comes from women. And there's so many people ready to anonymously jump on someone for any reason at all (even here on MN) - single mums, working mums, SAHM, unmarried, divorced, blended, older or younger than 25.6years exactly, married to an 'unsuitable' man, drives, doesn't drive, shops in Asda, the list goes on - that it's almost literally impossible to get a reasonable view about anything.

Just carry on and do your best!

Oh yes, I’ve been told on here that I made the wrong choice of man (I know) and there would have been red flags (I now know) and I should have been more careful than to have children with a useless man… I know… but my children are here now and need to be raised properly and supported financially.

Fortunately most people on MN are very supportive but there are a few bad apples.

I’ve definitely lost friends because some people don’t want to associate with single mums. Most happily married women would prefer to socialise and make friends with women in the same situation. It might be subconscious but it’s definitely a thing.

You’re doing great

Imagine if we lauded single mothers the same way as single dads get some kind of saintly status... what would happen? Imagine.

I never thought of it like this but makes a lot of sense!

I saw a podcast I think talking about how the wants and needs of a marriage or relationship have totally changed and now the woman has more of the upper hand. Everything a woman got married for in the past were things she couldn’t do herself for various reasons. Now that has changed, women generally now do all the things themselves that they were in a marriage for. In comparison men still want the same as they have always wanted but women are no longer willing to give it, at least not as unequally as was always expected before. And now women have grown and learned a lot more whereas men have just stayed put.

This is so frustrating! My understanding of feminism is NOT that you can’t do a typical woman’s role anymore. It’s that you have the choice the do whatever you see fit with your life and you have a voice. It’s literally that simple. If that’s what makes you happy then good for you!! Like you say we will always be judged regardless

But it’s not your fault that the guy you had children with or whatever turned out to be a waste of space. This one really baffles me cause I get it too. Why do we have to take the blame for them walking away and being a shit parent. Even though we are the ones who stayed and did all of the parenting. Yet it’s still our fault I mean what!!

I always say if I did to my son what his dad did I would be arrested and charged with neglect and probably lose my son yet they can do it without a backward glance and play the system so they barely even pay a penny either. And that is socially acceptable

Thie is it exactly and entirely. Get off fb is my tip. Life is too short to oxygenate ignorant drivvle peddled on there, you’re too good for that bullshit.

So that men can continue to do whatever the hell they like with no judgement and no consequences. That’s it really.

facebook is the worst but i find mumsnet pretty bad as well, i’ve had such rude comments on here basically saying i brought it on myself for not “picking better.” facebook is really bad though i even made a post on a single parents group i’m on to see if anyone else got constant posts making fun of single mums calling them the lowest of the low but everyone said they never see them 🤷🏻‍♀️ also another thing i didn’t realise was that when you become a single mum people expect you to stay alone forever and never date again funny how no one expects that of men though even though he is the one that left me, i had someone on mumsnet tell me they are shocked i would even want to date again after my ex left me when i was pregnant, it’s been 8 years!

Yeah it’s so frustrating isn’t it! Like you can see into the future. We get the stick yet we are the ones that did the right thing, makes no sense!

I posted on here when I was pregnant for the first time asking for advice etc as it was a shock and I lived a very different lifestyle quite social and partying and was worrying about the future and how life would change and honestly the judgey rude responses I got cause I said I had a party lifestyle the immediate assumption was I was a druggie and or alcoholic and shouldn’t be having kids 🙄 I was far from any of that but I was single with no responsibilities so I lived like that until my little one came along obv. Amazes me how many people think they are perfect

Well in my case I kicked my exh out because it was like having a third child. So even more reason for people to judge I guess because I chose it.

It doesn’t help that my dad wasn’t a great example of a father either, so I was never modelled a good relationship growing up. Tbh when I met my now exh I just thought it was good that he didn’t hit me 🤷‍♀️ because my bar was set low as a child.

As you should have done!! I’ve learnt the hard way over the years with men but now I always tell myself, people treat you how you allow them to and it’s so true! I bet your life is so much easier now isn’t it even though you’re now a single parent?!

I’ve always been one so I have nothing to compare it to and don’t know any different but I think it’s easier doing it like this by myself than being in a bad relationship or one where I’m expected to be a mother to a man too.

My upbringing was the opposite and my parents are still together and happy and treat each other well. But I still ended up with morons haha. Now though I’ve lost tolerance! Since my son arrived I’ve been single since pregnancy and I genuinely don’t mind, would be nice to meet someone but only if they enhance my life, anything less I’m not interested

mumsnet is very judgmental despite its name funny you should say about going out, i made a thread about how tough i was finding it never getting a break just to let my hair down or have a night out and i got someone telling me how ridiculous it was the someone in the 30s would want a night out! 30s!

Honestly, stop giving a fuck. I have 4 children and my favourite is when people ask me if they all have the same dad. Yes, unfortunately! And he was my husband, and he’s an asshole and now I’m doing it alone, bossing a stressful demanding full time job, running them to their activities, supporting their mental health (neurodiverse). I’m the opposite of feckless, I work my ass off in all areas of life and I think I’m setting a great example to my children.

I hear you.
I was married and my previously ok husband turned into a huge abusive prick, getting worse over the years.
When separated he was absolutely useless. I had to go to court for maintenance and to get him to try to stick to a consistent access routine (didn't work).
He's now disappeared and hasn't contacted his own children for years. In fact, he blocked them on everything. Imagine doing that to your own children. So he can avoid paying maintenance.
Inevitably if I see a thread on here saying a mum has an ex who won't be involved with his own children, posters will leap to his defence saying "mums make it hard to access their kids. Mums don't let the kids see their dad, mum turned the kids against their dad" 🙄🙄🙄. The problem isn't mums, it's bloody dads...honestly, I see red.

I had a group of women friends (all very proud of their feminist credentials) who used to exclude me from meet ups. When one woman challenged the Queen Bee of the group she said "Well she never goes to anything". The woman had to explain that I was a single mum with no support with two young children with attachment issues - damn right I couldn't go to anything!

Anyway, I'm proud of you!

‘I’m a taxpayer and I don’t want my money funding your choice to have a...

This could be applied to so many things. You're also a taxpayer, so say you don't want your money funding their choice to use free healthcare, or social care etc.

Another easy target,I've said before when this question is raised,that I remember in the 80s when single mums were vilified and blamed for the country's ills ( the sun being one of the worst).It's always easy to blame minority groups,
Single mums,the disabled, immigrants etc.
Nothing really changes unfortunately.

Oh for gods sake haha. I only stopped going out in my 30s as the kid came along! I’m quite happy not doing much now or occasionally but that’s cause I spent from being 16-17 to being pregnant out 😂 festivals holidays nights out etc so I’m happy I’ve had my experiences and this is a diff phase of life but I didn’t know I was going to feel like that when I was pregnant and was scared I would hate a more quiet life which meant I was addict and bad mum

That’s the other side of it too - setting an example for your kids! Not just to be a good person and work hard etc but the example that you don’t put up with treated badly in a relationship and that a relationship like that isn’t normal. That’s so important I think for both male and female to learn. And if you stay or allow bad treatment then what are you teaching them

People think women turn kids against men and that we make it hard for them to see their kids etc etc because that’s what the man tells everyone. Mine was the same! I told him if he wanted to be involved he had to be sober and get help for mental health and be consistent (literally bare minimum) and that was too hard so instead he told anyone who would listen that I had stopped him seeing the little one, much easier to blame us than put the effort in that it takes to be a parent. I’m sure there are exceptions to that but it makes me laugh how they all follow the same timeline 🙄

as for the women - it’s always the ones who proclaim to be feminist. Only publicly though. If they really were they would have made the effort and understood your situation. I lost a friend like that, she dropped me the minute I had a bf she didn’t like cause I no longer fitted her friend ‘aesthetic’. In fairness she was right he was awful and I never should have gone there but that’s not the point. Friends don’t do that, she should have been there. But I didn’t fit insta anymore

I said this - that I also contribute and one year of mat leave in a 50 year working life altogether is hardly asking too much. This came from a woman too! Who had children