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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single DC trip V Family trip

50 replies

HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:04

TLDR: DD has been selected for an event relating to her hobby which involves a trip abroad and doesn’t want the family to come. Is she BU?

so DD (14) has been selected to go to an event as part of a team for her sport. This is at hobby level. The event is at a holiday location (think Orlando, FL) and the trip is for 10 days. Out of the 10 days DD will spend a total of 6 hours doing the sport (training and the event). The rest of the time is at an all inclusive resort and free to do as we please.

DD has done a similar trip before and I went with her. We had a great time but (naturally and correctly) she spent a lot of her free time with her teammates so I was alone a lot (social anxiety but I did chat to other parents a bit).

DS 1 and 2 would like to come this time as would DH. Other teammates are coming with family.

I feel she had a trip just me and her (we didn’t expect another opportunity) and it’s unfair to say her family can’t come just because she doesn’t want them there - she wants it to be ‘just like last time’.

YABU: it’s DD’s trip she can dictate who comes.
YANBU: if family want to come then they should be allowed.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 01/07/2025 11:15

DD doesn’t get to dictate family holidays.

Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:18

If relevant this trip would not replace our usual family holiday.

OP posts:
CeraUnaVolta · 01/07/2025 11:29

Why does she think she should have that amount of money spend on her, for what is basically a holiday where she gets to enjoy a few hours of her hobby, but her brothers and father get nothing?
She sounds selfish and entitled and I’d be tempted to say no to the trip. Spend that money on a family holiday where there is something for all five of you to enjoy.

Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:37

cera her reasoning is that without her there would be no trip. Plus she doesn’t get on well with her brothers (oh the joy of teens!). She doesn’t want her brothers hanging around while she’s with her teammates. She’s very self conscious about the hobby and doesn’t want them to watch her.

this trip doesn’t impact other family holidays. And chances are DH will take the boys off for a trip somewhere (just not as ‘cool’ as where this trip is)

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 01/07/2025 11:41

Do you spend equal amounts on hobbies? How much is the trip? Assume they are allowed to go without family even though the event is only a few hours (why do they go for so long)?

LadyDanburysHat · 01/07/2025 11:48

Your DD is being selfish, I would give her the option that everyone goes or nobody.

I understand siblings not getting along, but presumably you can keep her brothers away from her training and her hangouts with her teammates.

This is not for her to choose, it is your money.

Energywise · 01/07/2025 11:51

Firstly don’t give her the option. She is 14 and in what way does she get to dictate how family money/holidays are spent:

if you must give her an option it should be: you go with the family or don’t go. How selfish of her.

Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:51

crumbling they need one adult to accompany them, they are only in the care of the hobby coach during training and event. What they do is short so in total only 6 hours but it’s spread over several days in a one day on one day off pattern. It’s an all inclusive package deal arranged by a third party for the hobby group but we can add extra people to the package at the special rates.

we don’t keep a running total of what is spent where but if the other DC had a similar opportunity we would fund it. DC all have their own equipment/uniform of high quality for their own hobbies/sports. They are supported equally but each attracts different costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:53

She doesn’t get the final say of course but we have obviously listened to her feelings and DH and I are now discussing.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:55

She’s generally not ‘entitled’ or ‘selfish’ but she is very vocal about this. She’s saying she wants the one on one time with me and feels having everyone there will fundamentally change the experience for her.

OP posts:
PutThe · 01/07/2025 11:58

Unless the hobby have booked out the entire AI resort, then actually there could easily be this trip without her and her sport. And if they have, I'm sure there's another one down the road.

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 11:59

There's just a chance that it could be some kind of sibling-bonding event, where her brothers think 'wow, she's really good at that!' and they all see each other in a different light. 🤔
I am naturally an optimist, btw 😂

LadyDanburysHat · 01/07/2025 12:01

HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:55

She’s generally not ‘entitled’ or ‘selfish’ but she is very vocal about this. She’s saying she wants the one on one time with me and feels having everyone there will fundamentally change the experience for her.

She can have one on one time with you another time and somewhere else.

crumblingschools · 01/07/2025 12:04

How old are the boys?

Did you tell her that it isn't much fun for you when you are on your own when she is (naturally) with her teammates.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 01/07/2025 12:05

Is she always a diva who gets her own way? Obviously she doesn't get to decide...

Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 12:06

crumblingschools · 01/07/2025 12:04

How old are the boys?

Did you tell her that it isn't much fun for you when you are on your own when she is (naturally) with her teammates.

Boys are 12 and 11

i have briefly but not dwelling on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 12:08

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 01/07/2025 12:05

Is she always a diva who gets her own way? Obviously she doesn't get to decide...

She’s not a diva who always gets her own way. Which is actually why I’m considering her request more seriously because actually, she’s never asked for anything like this before.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 01/07/2025 12:13

Would they have to share a room?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/07/2025 12:15

HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 11:37

cera her reasoning is that without her there would be no trip. Plus she doesn’t get on well with her brothers (oh the joy of teens!). She doesn’t want her brothers hanging around while she’s with her teammates. She’s very self conscious about the hobby and doesn’t want them to watch her.

this trip doesn’t impact other family holidays. And chances are DH will take the boys off for a trip somewhere (just not as ‘cool’ as where this trip is)

No, without you paying for the trip there would be no trip for her.

The trip will go ahead whether she is there or not.

crumblingschools · 01/07/2025 12:15

Could you split the holiday, so the males go off somewhere else nearby for a few days?

Fuzzypinetree · 01/07/2025 12:21

If it's an AI resort, surely her brothers can go off and do something else while she's doing her sport or hanging out with her mates?
Perhaps suggest a city trip for a weekend at another time for her to have the 1-2-1 time with you. Then she'd actually be spending the time with you and not just with her friends, while you get to linger in the background and die of boredom.

Original poster
HollyHelpful · 01/07/2025 12:21

crumblingschools · 01/07/2025 12:13

Would they have to share a room?

We would get two adjoining rooms - I had thought kids in one, DH and I in the other but we could do ‘girls room’ and ‘boys room’

OP posts:
PrincessofHyrule · 01/07/2025 12:34

We did boys room, girls room at those ages. We have older girl, younger boy and she wanted privacy and quiet from about 13 and not annoying younger brother. They've just come out of it again at 16 and 18 where they can negotiate sharing a room together and this summer me and DH get to have a room again!

rookiemere · 01/07/2025 12:38

You all go, but you keep her DBs away from her sports and allow her to socialise with her team without them around. This does mean the trip will be naturally split a bit into boys and girls, but I get what she is saying about this being her thing, but equally she doesn’t get to dictate who goes on family holidays.

Batgin · 01/07/2025 12:40

I put ywnbu until the comment asking about sharing a room, which I hadn't considered! That would really change the trip if she's now sharing with her brother's, so I'm that case yabu