Single DC trip V Family trip

[HollyHelpful]

TLDR: DD has been selected for an event relating to her hobby which involves a trip abroad and doesn’t want the family to come. Is she BU?

so DD (14) has been selected to go to an event as part of a team for her sport. This is at hobby level. The event is at a holiday location (think Orlando, FL) and the trip is for 10 days. Out of the 10 days DD will spend a total of 6 hours doing the sport (training and the event). The rest of the time is at an all inclusive resort and free to do as we please.

DD has done a similar trip before and I went with her. We had a great time but (naturally and correctly) she spent a lot of her free time with her teammates so I was alone a lot (social anxiety but I did chat to other parents a bit).

DS 1 and 2 would like to come this time as would DH. Other teammates are coming with family.

I feel she had a trip just me and her (we didn’t expect another opportunity) and it’s unfair to say her family can’t come just because she doesn’t want them there - she wants it to be ‘just like last time’.

YABU: it’s DD’s trip she can dictate who comes.
YANBU: if family want to come then they should be allowed.

The trip requires you (or DH) to go with her.Therefore the trip wouldn't happen without you! Presumably you pay some of the costs too?

So if you strongly prefer to take her on this trip with the rest of the family rather than without, then that's perfectly reasonable of you to tell her that that is the way it will be, or she wont be going at all!

Well she is a selfish little madam, she wants you to fund a trip for HER and then expects that you will be happy to sit alone while she swans off with her friends but guilting you about ‘one on one’ time?
You are listening to her but you are really indulging her. Again, two options - everyone comes or you don’t go.

And if she gets this trip then what do the other kids get? She’s being very selfish and immature and you shouldn’t indulge that

I started reading thinking she was being unreasonable, but as it’s gone on, I’ve felt that maybe she isn’t so bad.

I can understand why she doesn’t want two younger brothers hanging around - especially if they’re little the two younger brothers I had, and basically lived their lives as a “double team”, constantly taking the piss.

Obviously I’m sure you’re a better parent than to allow that!

If you decide not to take the whole family, I would make sure the DH and DSs go on an equally good holiday. Whether I think you should depends on how her brothers actually behave towards her I think.

her reasoning is that without her there would be no trip.

Without you facilitating, accompanying her and funding it, there would be no trip.

There, fixed that for her. What a little madam. If I'd said that to my mother I would have got my arse handed to me. You're the adult, you get to say who goes. It sounds like she can share with you, not her brothers and I doubt very much they'll want to watch her participate.

You have to separate the things.

Your DD should and probably does appreciate the luxury of the trio she’s undertaking. It sounds like affordability isn’t an issue for you; but she must nonetheless appreciate that what her parents are doing for her, ages 14, for 6 hours of training/“value”, is excessive. That means she’s in no position to dictate. She’s already on the back foot in terms of gratitude.

Separately, no 14yo girl wants her 12 and 11yo brothers cramping her style in front of her friends. She’s at peak ins unity to discern cool from riding it out. My DD would have been exactly the same.

I think you all go together, and when you get there you four leave her to her own devices except when she needs you. You don’t have to see her unless/until necessary. You can eat separately, travel separately, do all the things separately. In reality, it needn’t be as bad as she fears.

And don’t get suckered into think she wants mommy time. She just doesn’t want family time. She wants to be “independent”.

Absolutely not, it's a 10 Day trip, if she wants to go family go too. She's chancing her arm

I think some posters have forgotten what it's like to be 14 years old. Yes, she is thinking selfishly but it's developmentally normal to be self-absorbed at 14.

OP has said her DD doesn't get along with her two Brothers. With them both being boys and so close in age she probably feels ganged up on or left out at times. She thought she would be getting a break from them and enjoying some one to one time with her DM and now she's found out they're coming along too she's disappointed. I imagine she is also anxious about them embarrassing her in front of her team-mates. Remember how acutely embarassing and awkward everything feels at 14? OP has also said she feels self-conscious competing at her sport in front of her Brothers so she is probably worried they'll take the piss out of her if she doesn't perform well. It's also pretty normal for a girl not to want to share a hotel room with her 11 and 12 year old brothers at 14. She's probably just having a hard time accepting that this trip is going to look quite different from the one she really loved last time. Maybe it's selfish but I can understand where she's coming from.

Edit as posted too soon: OP, I do agree that at 14 she shouldn't have the right to veto your holiday plans. But also being mindful of the above, is there any way you can reassure her that you won't let her Brothers ruin the experience for her? Does she have to share a room with them? Can you talk to them in advance and make sure they leave her alone when she's socialising with her friends?

She does know how lucky she is to be able to go on this trip at all, I promise she’s not a madam. As others have said it’s all very normal for a 14 year old and I do see her point. I just can’t decide!

I posed the question of one of her brothers having a similar opportunity and them saying she couldn’t go and she admitted she’d be annoyed but she said ‘I know it’s not fair but it’s how I feel about it, it will ruin the trip for me’. This was said calmly and sadly, not a tantrum or demand.

yes it is possible for DH to do a trip with the boys at another time.

yes we could keep the boys away but they would naturally cross paths around the resort/parks.

she doesn’t know how much I was alone as she was off having fun (as she should) and is just remembering the fun bits we did together. Her memory of how much time was spent where is rose tinted! But I want her to go off with her team and be independent so never mentioned my feelings about being on my own - that’s a me problem, she did nothing wrong.

the boys will be disappointed. She had told them how amazing it was when she got back from the last trip so they are keen to experience it.

either way I’ll have unhappy kids!

Could DH and the DS s come for some of the trip - say 5 days out of the 10 ?
That way everyone gets something.

I think I would take the boys and try to keep them apart as much as possible. Like someone else said for rooms you can do boys/girls and around the resort they can just ignore each other! She already had a trip away with you for her sport and as you have said while she is off having fun, it isn't great for you sitting around waiting with no one for company. Everyone else wants to go so it is only her saying no (which I know the trip is for, but still). She herself has said she wouldn't be happy if the boys said she couldn't go and has said how amazing the place is, so it does come across here as being selfish/wanting to keep this to herself.

I think you will have to give her the option of everyone goes or no-one goes.

Agree with @rookiemere
definitely come middle ground here around op&dd, dh&dss, whole family etc across the trip
if ds teammates are taking family she should expect that there might be less team time vs previous years - and if there isn’t she can prioritise the team stuff vs family stuff

“yes it is possible for DH to do a trip with the boys at another time”

Please don’t fall into the trap of lumping the two together just because they are both boys. If you decide to take DD away on this trip then a fair thing would be for each son to also get a solo trip with a parent.

Thank you for unsolicited advice I did not ask for and do not need.

@HollyHelpful I don’t see what is wrong with @CeraUnaVolta comment

I can kind of hear where she is coming from because i have a daughter and sons, and there are times where I leave the boys with husband to take her to certain events for it (never overnight yet) and that is special "girl time" with me and her friends (she's very outnumbered in her day to day life with three brothers) for her that is a very different experience for her than when I need to bring the boys along. BUT taking a big exciting trip like that, I can absolutely see why you'd want to let your boys enjoy it too. I think I'd do as suggested, a boys room and a girl's room and make sure she gets lots of time with her friends still as well as you, but you can also spend some of your time with your husband and boys while she's busy. Her feelings do matter, but so do everyone elses and there is room to compromise here.

@HollyHelpful the advice from @CeraUnaVolta is really good advice, I don’t understand your response to them. It’s something I didn’t think of until they mentioned it but they are right.

I found the post insulting, like I don’t know my boys are two separate people.

This appears to be complete about YOU OP not wanting to be alone or enjoying the trip.

It's not what your DD wants.
You've already said you can afford another family holiday plus a trip for the boys separately.

If you don't want to be alone can your DH go with DD instead?

She sounds like she's being very honest with you and you say yourself she's not demanding.

I wouldn't spoil her trip as you have alternatives.

I spoke with DD last night and laid out how I saw the trip working if everyone comes - girls room/boys room, boys not being near during event prep etc, pointed out she could have some one on one with DH and I’d take the boys off, explained that we wouldn’t expect her to give up time with her teammates for family time etc. I sent her off to think about it overnight so I’ll see what she feels when she comes down.

I think you should listen to your daughter.

This is her trip. It's Only happening because of her sport, from the sounds of it - if she refused to go for some reason, would any of you still be going? You say she doesn't ask for much, but she's asking for this.

She's asking because she recognises this is her own thing and she's setting boundaries with her family.

It’s really not, I’d prefer some company but I’m quite happy in a quiet corner with a book! The point was more that it wouldn’t impact her as much as she thinks as she was off with her teammates so much.

she is being honest which is why I’m considering carefully what she’s asking.

Nope we wouldn’t go otherwise. But that’s part of the issue in that this location is not one we’d independently choose for a holiday but this opportunity makes it cheaper so on the one hand it seems silly to have the others miss out (we are more ‘off the beaten track’ holidayers, this place is very touristy) but equally I do get DDs feelings.

I think k she's right about this ruining her trip if you force her to share with her brothers. You've already said they don't get along, add in the fact she is a teenage girl, it's much better she shares with you.

You say she doesn't want her brothers hanging around with her and her teammates.

I think that's the key reassurance to offer.

They have no reason to be around her friends. That's an easy thing to reassure her about.

That’s what I would have done, OP. She doesn’t sound unreasonable, her objections are quite age appropriate. But the quid pro quo is an age appropriate level of reasonableness (she’s allowed a few grumbles here and there). Fingers crossed you’ve eased her concerns!