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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so stupid and sad and cross? TW abortion

55 replies

RoastyToasty123 · 30/06/2025 23:40

I went into peri-menopause about 6 months ago, and after a delay on starting HRT as my GP would not prescribe due to family cancer, I started about 8 weeks ago and I feel a million times better - it even stopped my periods - result! (Spoiler-not a result)

DH was told many years ago that he was likely infertile, and we have not used contraception nor have I fallen pregnant in the 10+ years we have been together. A decade. He is mid 50s, I am 48.

and pregnant. I am about 6 weeks. I have adult DC so I sort of recognised the feeling,
and took a test this evening. I made a furtive trip to Tesco and couldn’t even remember where the tests would be on the shelves.

we have talked, I’ve cried. A lot. I know what needs to be done, and we are 100% on the same page. I absolutely do not want another child or pregnancy, but I just think I’m in complete shock.

how can this have happened? After 10 years? (DH was previously married a while back and again, no pregnancies.)

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 10:07

3luckystars · 01/07/2025 10:01

Why are you sad? Why is there no way you want the baby?

Take your time if you are uncertain!! There is no rush. Please take your time and don’t rush, especially if you are upset.

You have time, talk to someone. Have you an employee assistance program at work?

Good luck x

I don't know why I am sad - shock more than sadness I guess. But I am not uncertain continuing, I just foolishly thought I would be more emotionally detached as it is not a dilemma I find myself in, just a process, so my emotions feel fraudulent.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 01/07/2025 10:11

Not at all and there are a lot of hormones also raging through you.

Im sorry you feel you have no other choice, but I would still encourage you to take a few days and think about it more as it is quite a shock!

But it has happened so definitely take your time. There is no rush today. And you are allowed to be sad. It’s hard.

I just wanted to wish you all the best.

Cvn · 01/07/2025 10:11

I'm a midwife. This is so common. Which doesn't make it easier, but hopefully provides some reassurance that it's not your 'fault', or due to some sort of carelessness or stupidity on your part. You do have a final surge in fertility just before entering menopause and it catches many, many women out.

Can you afford a private viability scan? (Or depending where you are your local early pregnancy unit might be willing to do it on the NHS) That might make the decision for you - it's not uncommon for pregnancies later in life not to be viable. Another thing you might consider just to inform your decision-making is NIPT to exclude some of the common chromosomal anomalies (there are different types - all will screen for Downs, Edwards and Pataus syndromes, and some will screen more widely).

You do still have a bit of time to think things through. Whatever you decide, it's too big a decision to make in haste.

SwingTheMonkey · 01/07/2025 10:13

RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 10:07

I don't know why I am sad - shock more than sadness I guess. But I am not uncertain continuing, I just foolishly thought I would be more emotionally detached as it is not a dilemma I find myself in, just a process, so my emotions feel fraudulent.

Show quote history

Your emotions are not fraudulent. You must let yourself feel whatever emotions you are feeling without shame or guilt.

Just to add, I think I’d feel exactly as you do if I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, even though I know I absolutely don’t want to have another child now.

Cvn · 01/07/2025 10:14

Sorry, cross posted your latest update - it sounds like you have decided on a TOP and are not still in the decision making process.
It's totally normal to feel a whole range of (possibly contradictory) emotions around this. Let yourself feel them ❤️

Livingthedream1978 · 01/07/2025 10:25

I’m so sorry OP. This is really difficult. I am a similar age to you and need to change my contraception (coil) and have recently had the conversation with my DH about what we’d do as we have grown up children and mid-late teens and we would make the same decision.

You are allowed to feel all the emotions and still know that it’s the right decision for you.

curtaintwitcher78 · 01/07/2025 10:49

I just want to say hello and reiterate that you're not alone. Just because you know what your decision is, it doesn't make it any easier.
I'm 47 and being in your situation is a concern of mine.
You're entitled to feel lots of emotions at once.

Katemax82 · 01/07/2025 11:02

I fell pregnant by accident at 42 and also felt stupid, but it happens

Original poster
RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 11:17

Thank you all (mostly!) so, SO much.
My GP called back, I went through it all… then she said it’s something I need to self-refer for? So I don’t feel I’ve made any progress and was hoping that I’d start the process today.
I’ve done the online referral but now I need to wait :(

OP posts:
GalaxyWasOnOffer · 01/07/2025 16:54

OP - only pay any attention to the following if it's of any use to you, and please ignore if not. I'm only passing it on in case it's helpful.

A great friend of mine is a GP specialising in women's health/menopause and says she sees women in your situation regularly. Apparently the two highest age groups for women seeking terminations are teenagers and women in their late forties. She also says that in most cases the pregnancy isn't viable, and will be lost naturally. She always says to women that of course she'll act now to help them if that's what they want, but if they wait a few weeks the decision is often made for them. She's had a number come back to her over the years relieved that they didn't have a termination and lost the pregnancy naturally, as it removed the 'guilt' they fear they'd have felt at having ended the pregnancy themselves. Others of course don't want to wait, and that's absolutely the right decision for them.

Please note the inverted commas there. There is no guilt, shame or any other such emotion to attached to this. You must do what is right for you. Your emotions are completely understandable. I imagine I'd feel exactly the same in your shoes, and I think other posters have said the same.

Look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 17:23

GalaxyWasOnOffer · 01/07/2025 16:54

OP - only pay any attention to the following if it's of any use to you, and please ignore if not. I'm only passing it on in case it's helpful.

A great friend of mine is a GP specialising in women's health/menopause and says she sees women in your situation regularly. Apparently the two highest age groups for women seeking terminations are teenagers and women in their late forties. She also says that in most cases the pregnancy isn't viable, and will be lost naturally. She always says to women that of course she'll act now to help them if that's what they want, but if they wait a few weeks the decision is often made for them. She's had a number come back to her over the years relieved that they didn't have a termination and lost the pregnancy naturally, as it removed the 'guilt' they fear they'd have felt at having ended the pregnancy themselves. Others of course don't want to wait, and that's absolutely the right decision for them.

Please note the inverted commas there. There is no guilt, shame or any other such emotion to attached to this. You must do what is right for you. Your emotions are completely understandable. I imagine I'd feel exactly the same in your shoes, and I think other posters have said the same.

Look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.

I really appreciate the time you took to send this. I was talking about it with DH, and the possible early scan, and all things to see if anything could ease this situation, or even speed things up.

This is my 3rd pregnancy, and the first 2 are now grown adults. I don’t know if a m/c (unexpected timings, I don’t know how I would manage that in terms of practicals) or a managed situation would be better. It all feels huge and I have little control over the pace (as in I want to deal with it now but I can’t action anything further)

OP posts:
Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 20:45

I am so very sorry this is happening to you, you poor soul! Sending lots of hugs and kindness. You must do what you think is right for you - and anyone who is unkind to you or judges you negatively needs to get in the sea.

I hope you get yourself - and also your husband - a therapist to work through all this with. You may find the feelings and grief about it (and not just grief at the loss, but also grief at the fact your personal peace has been shattered) come and go. And therapy can help with so many things.

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 20:54

RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 17:23

I really appreciate the time you took to send this. I was talking about it with DH, and the possible early scan, and all things to see if anything could ease this situation, or even speed things up.

This is my 3rd pregnancy, and the first 2 are now grown adults. I don’t know if a m/c (unexpected timings, I don’t know how I would manage that in terms of practicals) or a managed situation would be better. It all feels huge and I have little control over the pace (as in I want to deal with it now but I can’t action anything further)

Show quote history

Please don't feel at all bad about wanting to have the procedure/termination done as soon as possible - I am surprised the GP hasn't squared it away for you sooner - perhaps you can go along to your local family planning clinic and ask them for immediate help - it's clearly causing you distress and worry having to wait.

Hopefully the intentions of the other commenter are kind - but alas this sort of "wait and see" comment has been used in the past by pro-life people hoping that as the pregnancy progresses a woman will find it more difficult to have a termination (either from their own pressures or because people close to them start pressuring them). Ultimately if a pregnancy is not wanted then having it terminated versus a miscarriage is little different - the argument about "nature taking its course" meaning people feel less "guilt" than having a termination is nonsense - it's well understood that there is a link between depression/stress/anxiety and increased risk of miscarriage, not to mention a host of other complications and medical problems. Highly unlikely that a doctor with a neutral viewpoint would encourage a woman to remain pregnant longer just to see if a miscarriage happened. Sadly pro-life people use a variety of approaches to try to get people to not have abortions - and this "I'm your friend and care about you" or "doctors suggest waiting" method isn't new.

GalaxyWasOnOffer · 01/07/2025 21:14

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 20:54

Please don't feel at all bad about wanting to have the procedure/termination done as soon as possible - I am surprised the GP hasn't squared it away for you sooner - perhaps you can go along to your local family planning clinic and ask them for immediate help - it's clearly causing you distress and worry having to wait.

Hopefully the intentions of the other commenter are kind - but alas this sort of "wait and see" comment has been used in the past by pro-life people hoping that as the pregnancy progresses a woman will find it more difficult to have a termination (either from their own pressures or because people close to them start pressuring them). Ultimately if a pregnancy is not wanted then having it terminated versus a miscarriage is little different - the argument about "nature taking its course" meaning people feel less "guilt" than having a termination is nonsense - it's well understood that there is a link between depression/stress/anxiety and increased risk of miscarriage, not to mention a host of other complications and medical problems. Highly unlikely that a doctor with a neutral viewpoint would encourage a woman to remain pregnant longer just to see if a miscarriage happened. Sadly pro-life people use a variety of approaches to try to get people to not have abortions - and this "I'm your friend and care about you" or "doctors suggest waiting" method isn't new.

Show quote history

I’ve been active in feminist politics & research for many decades & am staunchly pro-choice. I prefaced my post by saying the OP should only take any notice of it if it helped her, & assured her that she should do what is right for her at the right time for her, & feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. In her shoes I’d be feeling & doing exactly what she’s doing. I wished her well with genuine feeling. I am the last person to be guilty of what you implicitly accuse me of.

GalaxyWasOnOffer · 01/07/2025 21:23

RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 17:23

I really appreciate the time you took to send this. I was talking about it with DH, and the possible early scan, and all things to see if anything could ease this situation, or even speed things up.

This is my 3rd pregnancy, and the first 2 are now grown adults. I don’t know if a m/c (unexpected timings, I don’t know how I would manage that in terms of practicals) or a managed situation would be better. It all feels huge and I have little control over the pace (as in I want to deal with it now but I can’t action anything further)

Show quote history

You’re welcome. I really feel for you, & the thread shows that so many women have empathy & can imagine how they’d respond exactly as you have. I hope you get things moving ASAP, the lack of a feeling of control must be hard on top of the shock. Take care 💐

Hotelmotelholidayinnnnnn · 01/07/2025 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 22:15

GalaxyWasOnOffer · 01/07/2025 21:23

You’re welcome. I really feel for you, & the thread shows that so many women have empathy & can imagine how they’d respond exactly as you have. I hope you get things moving ASAP, the lack of a feeling of control must be hard on top of the shock. Take care 💐

Show quote history

Thank you, and to all those who posted before you. I am finding the waiting really difficult; I have quite a full on job, and so it leaves my mind for a bit but then I suddenly remember again.

I came home to find my husband had researched vasectomies and has contacted his GP to get the ball rolling (no pun intended !)

I know he’s found it hard too (as in, the level of shock) and just wants to help me. I’ve heard nothing more about my referral but they did say it could take 24 hours to hear from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

  1. it‘s not a baby (yet)
  2. Ive already said adoption is not an option (for me)
  3. RTFT. Does it sound like I’m doing this on a whim?
OP posts:
StartupRepair · 01/07/2025 22:25

OP I feel for you. It's a hard place to be and of course you have strong emotions even if your choice is clear. Hope you get good medical support soon. Sorry to see unhelpful comments on this thread.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/07/2025 22:31

Oh you poor thing, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s a hell of a thing to have to deal with. There is counselling available for this sort of thing, definitely use it. You are far from the first person to find yourself in this situation.

Original poster
RoastyToasty123 · 02/07/2025 11:13

I have just received an email to book me in for a phone consult at the weekend, and then “future appointments”… I just hope not massive delays for these.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/07/2025 11:17

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 01/07/2025 09:05

Are we absolutely sure it’s pregnancy and not a random surge in hormones causing a line? I swear I’ve read about that happening. My instinct will that be nature will take care of it with an early loss/chemical before you even have to concern yourself about an abortion.

I agree. Are you absolutely sure it's positive. Even if it is the chances are very high and nature will take its course and you will miscarry. And then the decision is out of your hands. It's very early days. Give it two weeks if you're undecided on what to do.

Viviennemary · 02/07/2025 11:19

Sorry I didn't see your last post. I agree get counselling.

cloudyblueglass · 02/07/2025 11:22

RoastyToasty123 · 01/07/2025 09:12

Thank you all so much. I don’t know what i expected posting here; DH has been amazing, but ultimately he’s not a biological parent (and my kids were a bit older when we met, so he’s not had to play that parental role) so I don’t know that he can understand it. I don’t even understand it.

I had to tell my line manager this morning as I cannot take personal calls in my role but am awaiting a call back so had to get permission. I’ve known him for years, and I didn’t have the energy to lie. He’d have known anyway. He was kind, you’ve all been kind, the GP receptionist was disarmingly kind on the phone… and I just feel like I don’t deserve it.

Try to take the lead of others and be kind to yourself.

Praying4Peace · 02/07/2025 11:30

I'm pleased that you and your husband are supporting each other through this.
Sending you strength.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this