To be really upset my child has been suspended?

[FranticSemantics]

I don't want to give any identifiable details at all. My child behaved really badly and has SEN but the suspension was justified. I feel terrible. I missed the call from the Headteacher so literally felt sick waiting for them to contact me.

Am I being unreasonable? Should we just brush it off? DP or I have never been suspended. It feels like we can't come back from this with the school.

If your child has SEN, are they appropriately supported by the school? If not, they need to make sure they have the appropriate things in place before he returns.

Please don't take it personally. Do you have any support?

It happens & it won't be the first time.

Work with the school & communicate with them.

One of mine had severe behavioural problems & ended up at a referral unit which turned out to be amazing.

I feel your pain. I cried & despaired alot. You are not alone

The school will want to work with you.
Don't brush it off - accept it is serious (and HTs generally hate excluding children so they won't have made the decision lightly)
Attend the reintegration interview and work with them to move forwards

This.

Keep communication lines open. It may be that more support is required, it may be that your child does need a different environment, but if this is a first occurrence I wouldn’t worry too much yet.

No you should not brush it off. Your child must not behave in the ways that warrant exclusion, regardless of SEN. Maybe he'll need more help and it'll be harder for him, but school is for all the other children too and they, and the staff working there, deserve to be respected and safe.

I think I understand. My DS (Y7) was suspended in April, also justified, also has SEN (ASD). I felt similar, my initial reaction was that I would have to pull him from the school. I didn’t think it was something we could come back from.

I was so upset, I never had a single detention either - I’m not a rule breaker. I felt like I couldn’t ever face the school again. But he did his suspension and when he returned he had to spend the first day back in the BSU in isolation. It was hard, especially as gossip went round the whole school. We had to lock his phone down as he was being sent messages from other kids. It all died down though, we got over it and moved on.

Now three months later it’s basically forgotten and I’m glad I didn’t do anything knee jerk. None of the staff have held it against him. I was told if he didn’t have SEN it would’ve been a permanent exclusion

Has your GP surgery got a Children’s Health Navigator attached to the practice? Arrange a GP visit and see if they can refer your child to this or a similar service. They’re a brilliant resource to see if there’s any other support out there for your child relating to their SEN but also their behaviour. They can also be a good outside link between you and the school.

This is serious, but it’s not the end of the world. Your child can improve and things can get easier for them.

What does your child think of the situation? Are they genuinely remorseful? Are they aware of what they’ve done and why they’re suspended?

Can you give more details?

My dd was suspended once. Like a lot of people I am a rule follower, never got into trouble, I was also really upset and felt embarrassed that my kid did that. My elder ds is a stickler for rules so it was real shock to have a bit of hell raiser.

We had to have a meeting with the school before dd went back and tbh they were so nice and made an uncomfortable situation a lot more comfortable for us all. The school have seen it all before and they've never held it against us or dd. That was over 2 years ago now and dd has never been in trouble again, all of the teachers really like her, she is achieving well, it's never been mentioned again, other kids have been suspended since and the world keeps turning even though it felt like such a catastrophic event at the time.

Gives a wave. Teen with sen suspended this term. Their behaviour totally justified it, staff member made the situation worse and this was acknowledged when we talked it though with senior staff and senco.
My view is however teen has to learn to function in the real world. We talked the situation through several times, identifying where he could have dealt with his emotions differently when faced with obstacles. Plus no member of staff deserves to be verbally abused by a pupil.

I promise you schools hate to do this but it does build a better picture of the child’s needs to make a better case for provision

Speak to the school and show that you are supportive and apologetic.
This is not a reflection of your parenting but they do need to keep you in the loop.

Ask them what their advice is and discuss with them if something like this can be prevented in the future.

Work out why he did it, was he triggered by something, showing off in front of mates etc and this will help make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It is embarrassing and you feel judged but if our sen children are to be in mainstream they have to behave correctly. Take a deep breath and try to look upon this as a learning experience for your ds. In a month this will be forgotten. Mine has had several unfortunately y7-y10 but it gets easier. School knows me now and we work together.

As a school governor, it can assure you there are lots of ways to come back from this with the school.

Firstly, you agree the suspension is justified then you need to work with the school on how to manage the behaviour that led to it.

As others have said, how is he supported in school?

What are the steps school should follow if escalating behaviour is noticed...what are they doing to de-escalate.

Depending on the age of your child, do they understand what they have done...severity etc?

Oh, thank you all so much 💖 I've also made my husband read these and you've helped me out of the spiral of despair! We get a letter tomorrow with details of the reintegration interview. Will definitely attend.

We actually met the SENCO today in a planned meeting so we're pretty happy with the support. We also had Parents Evening three weeks ago where some teachers absolutely love my DC with others somewhat less keen!

I will follow up with the GP - there does seem to be lots of autism charities around us but they all seeemto charge.

Thank you so much again everyone. If anyone is prepared to message me privately, I would love that as don't really have any support for me or DH x

Just to say, I couldn't agree more. DC has to learn to cope with the world, the world won't always change for them.

DC sort of gets what they did was wrong and said he feels guilt but it seems more like sadness over punishments. They don't seem to understand why it was wrong though

I agree that, though serious, it isn't the end of the world. Hopefully it can be a learning experience for DC and the school. Just to say, that if he's ASD, he may not feel guilty in the way a neurotypical person would, or he may struggle to identify guilt. He will have trouble seeing why it was wrong, because its harder for him to understand a perspective other than his own. It might be better to focus on what he could do in the future to avoid the same consequence - even if you really want him to understand.

Does DC have an EHCP? I know you say school is supportive but the suspension might suggest his needs aren't being met, or that he needs more help in some areas. While I agree that ASD DC who have the capacity need to understand some rules of the world won't change for them, adults can often manage situations they struggle with in ways that children can't.

Oh yes, the first time it's mortifying.

DS got a few before we did actually remove him. But hopefully you won't be going down that route.

My recommendation is to work with the school, help them to understand and help your DC. Talk to your DC about what happened and what they were feeling at the time, try to identify the triggers. Hopefully between you and the school you can come up with some coping strategies for the future and it won't happen again.

But if it does, don't take it personally, and do the same again.

my DS is ASD/audhd. Very rarely feels sorry for the right reason. Often wrongly feels injustice has been served and cannot accept other people’s views. Not been suspended … yet. He struggles everyday and gets in trouble for ASD/adhd traits that he tries to suppress but lately, it is like he is tired of putting on a front. Very sad, worrying, difficult and stressful.
Wr plod on with trying meds arranging counsellors, trying different approaches. Supporting him, loving him and guiding him as best we can. School help to an extent but he has missed many days due to anxiety (avoidance of tests, presentations, group work) and despite us keeping school informed. They have not contacted us to discuss at all. Just another kid who needs extra support that they have no time (and often minimal Sen training). His self esteem crumbles a littl more each day. My smart funny young man is no longer here. My priority is his mental health and teaching him coping strategies in the areas that are so painfully difficult for him. I would be sad if he was suspended but possibly would drive me to take him out of school completely. It seems to be doing more harm than good

That sounds really hard, I feel for you, I wish it could be easier for them and us. They really are very real conditions and struggles. I've nothing to offer but hope that it gets better xxxx

This is where talking the situation through or even role play can help. Mine lacks empathy at times and sees red mist.
I acted back to him (with his permission) what he did to the teacher. He's a big boy and I told him he could be scary and the teacher didn't know he wouldnt hit her.

Actually led to a good chat later (couple days) on about men and women, domestic violence etc

Does your son get help in school? Social skills training with the speech and language therapist for example?

I remember when this happened to my SEN DC age 6. I was absolutely mortified. To me a suspension happened to teenagers in high school who did really bad things. It felt like they were comparing my DC to that. I thought DCs future was completely written off at the age of 6. School however, whilst serious said they weren’t the only suspension of the year and it’s very common for SEN kids. Didn’t make me feel better at the time but now it’s not really a thing and is never brought up.

What did he do? Was it verbal or violent?