To be really upset my child has been suspended?

[FranticSemantics]

I don't want to give any identifiable details at all. My child behaved really badly and has SEN but the suspension was justified. I feel terrible. I missed the call from the Headteacher so literally felt sick waiting for them to contact me.

Am I being unreasonable? Should we just brush it off? DP or I have never been suspended. It feels like we can't come back from this with the school.

Sending you hugs OP 💐 you and DH sound like lovely parents and I'm sure you will work with the school to reintegrate your DC. The school should be looking at how the incident happened and what precipitated it and working with DC to put measures in place to avoid incidents in the future. I have worked in a PRU and would work with young people to put in place coping strategies when they were feeling overwhelmed - so for instance, asking for a five or ten minute time out of the classroom when they could feel themselves getting angry. I don't know how accommodating your school is but if they have a quiet area/breakout room that can be really helpful.

Don't worry OP, a one-off suspension means nothing in the grand scheme of things, just a bit of time for the kid to reflect.

Maybe you can use the time to help them understand a little better why it was wrong. You could write a letter of apology together if that's appropriate?

I probably had as many suspensions/exclusions as I had school dinners all said and done and I was privately educated so they really didn't like to do it unless they had to.

No SEN but my old man had very helpfully brought me up to challenge authority, question rules I didn't agree with and stand my ground if I thought I was being treated unfairly. Let's just say I spent a lot of time arguing with/winding up teachers. Thankfully my mum was able to use the suspensions to impart the equally useful lessons that life isn't always fair, and knowing when to pick your battles 😆

Don't worry about it affecting your relationship with the school either - show that you're willing to work with them and maybe even use it as a chance to review the support your kid needs.

It'll all be forgiven and forgotten soon I'm sure 😊

It seems like the school made the right decision, bad behaviour has consequences. Hopefully it will give your child time to reflect on their behaviour.

Honestly it depends on the school. One of my children was suspended numerous times at school (ASD, possibly ADHD too). infants were using suspensions as a way to manage them out on the behaviour ladder (with the SENCO in the room!)

juniors (different school) were amazing, reason for suspensions were very clear, making clear they were to keep everyone safe. Had child back for a meeting where the tone was great - serious discussion of what needed to change but also forgiving and welcoming them back for a fresh start. They also identified triggers and spent a very long time giving additional support in these situations (think playground and canteen, having a smaller area to olay in, eating different times etc). As a result of their consistent work over months he was never excluded again and has very happy memories of that school.

so focus on the behaviour, ask your child what happened in their own words, try to understand what the bigger picture is. What skills do they need to work on / adjustments need to be made within the school to help them? Work collaboratively with the school to identify and agree these. your child will have a huge sense of achievement knowing they can learn from their mistakes.

best of luck!

Is there a local service to support parents of children with SEND? It may be worth contacting them to ensure that this process has been followed fairly.
My DC had a suspension overturned as we proved that the school hadn’t followed the correct procedures even though DC did do something wrong - their lack of support led to the circumstances that meant DC then acted in a particular way.

🤣 Sorry, but the time to reflect on behaviour does not really apply to most SEN kids. It will give time for explaining to him what was wrong with his actions and give him alternatives for next time he's in a situation like this. Many times my DS15 wasn't able to really understand why, despite numerous explanations, but he was capable of understanding that the behaviour was forbidden nonethless and would be sanctioned. If left to "reflect on their behaviour" he would only come up with "the teacher isn't nice to me" or likewise. It's part of the disability unfortunately.

Exactly, parents need to make sure the child is aware of what they’ve done wrong and why it’s wrong, so reflection… it’s the parent’s responsibility. It’s a great time to learn that there are consequences to bad behaviour as this will not be accepted when they are an adult. I imagine if the child was an adult, if it included serious violence then he would be sent to prison. Being SEN should never be used as excuse.

Firstly I understand your pain. Parenting a SEN child is hard - you are doing great please don't forget that.

Secondly - (just my experience - I know I am lucky with our school)
My youngest in primary aged 6 has SEN. So far in school he has had 3 suspensions and 1 in school suspension (there is debate whether this was warranted but that's another story - the 3 suspensions definitely justified). The first time it happened I was completely devastated. Luckily the school were brilliant - clear reasons given, integration meeting etc - and this has really helped us going forward. Every instance has always had a trigger/reason (not always clear in the moment) so by them happening it helps us to build a bigger picture, understand him a little more and get the support he needs. I was worried about permanent exclusion but the head teacher reassured (??) me that actually it is incredibly difficult and complex for this to happen plus the number of suspensions need to be far greater.

I'm on tenterhooks the rest of this week as his usual TA is likely sick and maybe signed off for a while. Last time it happened he got suspended but both me and his class teacher have recognised the risk so fingers crossed.

That's catastrophising. In fact, young people with sen often find the demands of school extremely challenging, and will cope fine once they don't have to conform to the pretty rigid rules, interact with hundreds of different kids, and be expected to follow a curriculum they can't manage.

So we've had the reintegration meeting. What they did is slightly worse than we expected. School are actually bending over backwards to help DC but they were still upset in the meeting.

I'm lost about what to do next. How do you teach empathy to someone who doesn't seem to have any??? Are they a serial killer in waiting?

Please can anyone advise re medication for autism? Should we going down a medical route, a social route or both? Does anyone have any suggestions for resources to investigate, please? Thank you very much ❤️

Slightly different opinion but my experience is that schools seem to hand out detentions much more freely, and some I am aware of and have been personally involved in have genuinely not been justified. Completely disproportionate to the crime often.

My daughter has recently received a ASD diagnosis, but prior to this I was fighting for SEN support and stated to the school they couldn't deny this just because there wasn't a formal diagnosis because of long waiting lists.

The result of them not initially listening was my daughter not getting support- such as taking time out when sensory overloads were causing stress and unmanageable emotional outbursts. This led to a few internal suspensions.

Although I understood the school actions, I could also see the detrimental effect on my daughter. I wrote formal emails and spoke to the school and told them to put in my suggested support immediately or they were failing their Duty of Care and I would be escalating it.

Within the week she received the suggested support; small things like having a Pause Pass, knowing the reset room, having one key teacher to turn to. Since that has been in place, her emotional and academic behaviour has been 100% better. No more outbursts. No more time out. In fact, she's now a model for other students.

I have no issue about suspension. However, it needs to be followed up with how to support the child so they know how to function in the real world, whilst getting their needs met.

Be firm about what would work for your child and ensure there is a plan in place.
Good luck xx

This was me, 30+ years ago, despairing how to manage my DS with ‘special needs’, often suspended. Working with my DS’s KS2 school and supporting their suggestions, sending him to a supportive secondary school gave him a good foundation. Helping him and advising over the years has resulted in a fine upstanding man in a great career. Listen to your DS and talk to him - over the years I have often been surprised by DS saying that when I said ‘xyz’ to him how much it helped!

Im sorry, that's hard for you to hear.

You cant get medication for autism. It's more about helping him to understand other people's perspectives

Doesvhe have an asd diagnosis? If not, you should pursue this as asd is well recognised and adjustments would be made at college, at work etc eg if he is offhand with other people.

If you are in England, look at your LA website for their Local Offer. This will list asd youth clubs etc.

It will help if he isn't watching horror, porn, playing aggressive games etc. You might have to seriously monitor his phone.

Ask school for social skills training. They probably do this for other children.

What a disgusting attitude to have towards an Sen child. The school should absolutely be using things like this as a last resort and with an Sen child have absolutely tried everything possibly even more. If a school can't offer proper support for sen children that should be reflected in the Ofsted report. Other children have chosen to be at the school with sen children the parents have made that choice and should know that sometimes they can cause disruption and that is medically unavoidable. What a selfish attitude to have.

Indeed.

Had to take DS out of school in Y8. Tried again a few years later, equally disastrous.

He is 23 now, been working for a couple of years, had a small promotion. Understands the point of the job and why things are as they are, knows what is happening each day. Fully on board with the world of work.

But trying to cope with school, pointless (in his eyes) rules, neverending detentions, moving around from class room to class room, different supply teachers etc etc. A complete nightmare.

If you don't have an ND child it's hard to grasp how difficult the rigid school environment is for some of them. Some thrive, but for others it's a horrible experience.

Honestly OP, this will pass. My dc is sen and was also suspended a year or so ago. It was a silly action rather than a really serious one but it was a mandatory suspension issue. DC is a scholar and a prefect (both since the suspension) and will be applying to oxbridge soon. I was a goody two shoes and never had so much as a detention but we are not our children and their actions are not ours. In retrospect I am glad they have had to deal with the fact that their actions have consequences. Don’t be embarrassed- this doesn’t need to define your child.