Is this normal for grief?

[Rosieposy89]

I lost my lovely sister last year aged 32, just 10 weeks after a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
It was a hugely traumatic and shocking time for our family.
A year on, I'm still trying to process it all, can't believe she is gone. I think of her constantly and spend a lot of time thinking of the suffering she went through in her last weeks. She was terrified of anything medical and was so brave. I can't stop thinking of how she must have felt knowing she was going to die young. We didn't really talk about it when she was here as we were in all in a state of denial/shock and were trying to be strong for her.
I have episodes where I dream of her every night. They are quite distressing as in my dreams she is terminally ill, but I'm trying to save her. I guess my brain is trying to make sense of it.

I guess what I'm asking is, is this normal for grief? I am functioning etc, I'm not depressed, I just feel sad. I've only really experienced the loss of grandparents. Losing someone before their time feels completely different

Yea I would say it's normal. Counselling can help to talk through it all. So sorry for your loss.

Yes, it's normal. The Victorians had the right idea. It's only recently people are expected to bounce back as if nothing happened. You never stop grieving, it just becomes smaller in time, and easier to bear.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Sibling bonds can be very important and they are often our longest life 'companions'. So this is an enormous loss for you and one year is still relatively early days. You might want to consider getting some counselling so you can talk it all through with somebody who can focus on you.

I don't think there is a normal for grief - it effects everyone differently. It tends to be harder to process if the loss was unexpected and sudden, particularly for younger family members.

If it would help to talk to someone you can call CRUSE bereavement charity, or often macmillan have support for relatives of someone who dies from cancer.

I've added some images that are sometimes helpful. The dual process model of grief matches your description (doing everyday tasks, but also actively grieving and adjusting). The other image shows how some people have mapped the process of grieving, the last box only really started at a year after loss for most.

A year is no time at all for grief. It is still all the very raw firsts - birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, etc.

It’s normal, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with. If you haven’t tried counselling yet, you probably should. It’s not for everyone but for some it helps so it’s got to be worth a try.

Yes it is absolutely normal, and this is a shocking and traumatic loss that will be adding to the grief.

Im so sorry OP, I lost my sibling in a car accident and the shock almost killed me too.

Have you thought about counselling?

It is so normal. I am so very sorry to hear about your sister. I lost a close friend to cancer this year, 10wks from diagnosis to her death. It was traumatic and I think of her so much, like you how she felt about the diagnosis (and we did talk about it, but she had several brain tumours so I don’t think she had full understanding in the same was as if she didn’t have them). Grief is a very personal journey, even for each person. I’ve lost my dad and also my friend and it felt different. I miss my friend a lot as I saw her several times a week, so it’s been hard having to adjust to a new routine too. It must be incredibly hard for you as she was your sister.

I’m so sorry.

Im the same. My dad died in his early 60s last year and im still in shock. Every time I think of him it’s almost like I make myself jump. It can’t be real that he doesn’t exist, as I’ve never been alive without him. It’s a weird dreamlike feeling. How can he not be here.

I do not think there is a “normal” when it comes to grieving, and I also don’t think there is anything wrong with support if you need it. Cruse can be really helpful.

There is a book by Thomas Harding called Kadian’s Story where he chronicles the first year of the loss of his son. You might find it interesting but in particular he talks about how one accommodates the loss-not getting over it as others seem to want a person to do, but accommodating the fact that your whole landscape has changed.

Hi OP, I’ve just lost my 56yo sister after a 3month cancer diagnosis. Like you, I struggle to think about what went through her head. A fit, healthy, vibrant woman with a toddler grandson planning a fun retirement.

I dream of her a lot, in the dreams she’s dressed up to the nines, active and looks healthy, so I get angry with her and accuse her of lying to me about being ill (in the dream of course). Over the last 3 years I’ve lost my mum, dad and sister, my birth family gone. I’ve learnt that everything you feel, everything, is normal. There are no rules around grief.

Sending love 💐

I am so sorry , your loss is tremendous.
For the first year of losing my dad who i was close to i remember a feeling of shock , i was with him for hours before he went but not his actual passing ,i did sit with him afterwards, my brother was there til the end.
My dad was loud and a leader and i couldn't understand how someone so 'vital' could just not be here anymore, lots of times during that first year i had an overwhelming panic feeling to check with my brother that dad had really gone and i hadn't made a mistake , it was a weird experience.
I wasn't depressed either but very sad ,i still miss him every day and i am changed by the grief which i think happens to everyone when you lose someone you loved so much.
Everything you describe sounds normal to me but i would say don't expect your feelings and emotions to improve (if that's the right word )quickly because i feel that the passing of time after a bereavement is different to how we perceive the normal day to day passage of time.
My loss was different to yours as my dad was much older one of my siblings saw a councillor but they have never shared the experience with me ,i think a councillor could be good for you , they can give you strategies to help you through these raw emotions.
I hope you find some peace in time.

Yes, it’s normal. I’m so sorry x

Yes it's normal, yes it sucks. I found therapy hugely helpful to me. It helped me to process what happened, which was a huge shock, and to release enough of it so that I could breathe again. I was holding on so tightly to my grief because it was all I had left of them. It still hurts, it will always hurt, but I am no longer stuck. Do consider grief counselling if you feel it might help you.

I don't think there is any "normal".
Whatever you feel is normal for you.
Allow yourself permission to feel how you feel.
I am incredibly sorry for your loss.

I've only really experienced the loss of grandparents. Losing someone before their time feels completely different

I can relate to this OP. My brother died suddenly earlier this year and I've never felt such pain. I grieved for my grandparents but they died at the end of long lives and so it was easier to accept. I can't imagine ever accepting the loss of my brother. It doesn't feel real and I find myself reliving the day he died over and over again. It's torture.

Like you, I am functioning. I go to work, I look after my kids. People who know me would probably say I am coping. But there is always sadness now. I feel like a part of me is missing.

Have you tried counselling at all? I've had a few people suggest it to me but my grief still feels too raw. It is something I may consider in the future though.

I agree it’s normal. Knowing how desperately my only sibling wanted to live when we knew they wouldn’t was dreadful. I’m a few years on from their death, but I still have days when the horror of it all overwhelms me.

im sorry. Losing a sibling is incredibly hard.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister OP. I'm not sure there is a 'normal' when it comes to grieving. I think it takes us all in different ways. I think you just have to allow yourself to feel how you feel and don't feel that it's wrong.

It sounds like the whole experience of your sister being ill and losing her so shockingly quickly has left you dealing with significant trauma - understandably. I would think about having some grief counselling, I think it's beneficial to be able to talk about your loss and dealing with your sister's illness and death with someone who won't judge and isn't emotionally involved.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I am truly sorry you have all experienced such devastating loss. I do feel somewhat reassured that this may just be grief. I don't really want to stop the grieving as it feels like the last thing I can do for my sister.
I think I will contact Macmillan for counselling. My story is somewhat complicated in that my mum has also had a cancer diagnosis- we found out it had returned the day after my sister died. I am grateful my sister died without the worry of my mum. I think some cancer specific counselling might help me deal with it.

Thank you so much all

So sorry for your loss. As others have said there is no normal where grief is concerned.

You may find The Good Grief Trust helpful - this is their page for those who have lost a sibling.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.
I'm pretty much the same, go to work, look after my child, I look normal. I only really cry when I go to my sister's grave.
The sadness is persistent and it almost takes my breath away when I think gosh that really did happen.
I think the death of a sibling is hard in that I feel I have to be strong for my parents. My parents have lost a child, that is just unimaginable pain to me.
I have been scared to do grief counselling, in case it makes me fall apart. I guess they are experts in what they do though. Sending love

I'm really sorry for your loss, and yes what you're feeling is totally understandable.

I lost my brother very suddenly just under two years ago, and sometimes I think it will never feel real to me that he's no longer here.

I joined a sibling bereavement group on Facebook which was helpful, somewhere where everyone else gets it I suppose.

Why, what did the Victorians do?

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is normal and it's still early days in the scheme of things. I haven't experienced what you have but my first baby died years ago and I would say I function normally but sometimes I fall apart and feel like I'll never be okay again. I always bounce back to normal (or a new normal) but counselling helped me. I also found support groups helpful. Have you tried any grief groups?

Lost my only sibling to cancer just over 5 years ago. He was older - in his early 60s - but still too young to go. Since then, both parents have gone. I feel great sadness for my parents, but they were both over 90 and that fact alone is a great help. The loss of my bro was and is still, on occasion, very difficult.

Dont be afraid to get counselling. My DS has had some too. My particular difficulty is with the cancer and how this changed him from super fit much older sibling into someone who would leave too soon. The lesser but not inconsiderable thing is the very much baby of the family is last woman standing of the family group. I probably expected to be, but not yet

Grief is personal.

Everyone mourns their own way.

It's ok to feel like you do. Counselling may help you if you feel like you want help.