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Original poster

Is this normal for grief?

38 replies

Rosieposy89 · 30/06/2025 20:04

I lost my lovely sister last year aged 32, just 10 weeks after a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
It was a hugely traumatic and shocking time for our family.
A year on, I'm still trying to process it all, can't believe she is gone. I think of her constantly and spend a lot of time thinking of the suffering she went through in her last weeks. She was terrified of anything medical and was so brave. I can't stop thinking of how she must have felt knowing she was going to die young. We didn't really talk about it when she was here as we were in all in a state of denial/shock and were trying to be strong for her.
I have episodes where I dream of her every night. They are quite distressing as in my dreams she is terminally ill, but I'm trying to save her. I guess my brain is trying to make sense of it.

I guess what I'm asking is, is this normal for grief? I am functioning etc, I'm not depressed, I just feel sad. I've only really experienced the loss of grandparents. Losing someone before their time feels completely different

OP posts:
Masmavi · 30/06/2025 23:03

This is normal. It wasn’t until seven years had passed that I one day realised I had processed my parents’ deaths and tbh I don’t think my siblings ever really have (they have tended to bury their feelings). I could function normally before that but I was still grieving. A part of us always does and in your case it is increased because we expect our parents to go before us but not our siblings. You are coming to terms with the enormity of losing your sister. Don’t put pressure on yourself but it might help to talk to someone professional. I did and it helped enormously ❤️

herethereandeverywhatnow · 30/06/2025 23:09

I’m so sorry for your loss, and to others in the thread too. Reading this I just wanted to recommend a book called The Loss of a Lifetime by Lynn Shattuck - it just came out and it’s specifically about sibling loss. I read something on Instagram about it (someone I follow contributed a chapter to it) so I wanted to mention it in case it could be helpful. Apparently Lynn Shattuck writes on Instagram about sibling grief so might also be helpful. Sending you lots of love.

Bikergran · 01/07/2025 13:51

Eldermileniummam · 30/06/2025 22:35

Why, what did the Victorians do?

Show quote history

They had specified formal periods of mourning, where nobody expected you to pull yourself together and go on as normal, but were allowed to grieve quietly at home.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 01/07/2025 14:23

Yes this is normal. It sounds like it was traumatic. While it is upsetting losing grandparents, assuming they lived to a reasonable old age, it's not as upsetting as losing someone young and relatively suddenly. It doesn't sound like you had much time to get your head around it before your sister was gone. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think it would be worth you speaking to a counsellor to help make sense of what you and your fanily have been through and hopefully they can give you some tools to help you.

PiggyPlumPie · 01/07/2025 14:33

I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a sibling is a different kind of grief imo. I lost my sister in 2020, 6 weeks after cancer was diagnosed. It would have been her birthday on Sunday and I've struggled.

Look after yourself and do whatever you need to get through.

LoudPlumDog · 01/07/2025 14:37

Very normal. I am going through the same as you. My 21 year old daughter died unexpectedly last November. It’s a living nightmare. Go easy on yourself x

YellowCamperVan · 01/07/2025 14:47

Yep, totally normal. Grief is a difficult journey.

People can often rush to suggest bereavement counselling but most counsellors wouldn't offer this when it's been such a short period of time after the loss, you need time to go through the very normal adjustment period without interference if that makes sense. Lean on the things that help you cope, and don't try hide from the grief. You have to go through it to come out the other side. You can't dodge it.

YellowCamperVan · 01/07/2025 14:48

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 01/07/2025 14:23

Yes this is normal. It sounds like it was traumatic. While it is upsetting losing grandparents, assuming they lived to a reasonable old age, it's not as upsetting as losing someone young and relatively suddenly. It doesn't sound like you had much time to get your head around it before your sister was gone. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think it would be worth you speaking to a counsellor to help make sense of what you and your fanily have been through and hopefully they can give you some tools to help you.

I lost a parent in a really traumatic way in my early twenties and often find myself feeling so envious of anyone who gets to lose a grandparent who is elderly. Not something I'd share with someone who's had that loss and I know it sounds awful but it just feels so unfair. I'm equally sure anyone who'd lost a child would feel the same way about me if they saw me grieve my mum. Grief is so complex and messy and something all of us get to go through.

VirginaGirl · 01/07/2025 14:56

I am so sorry, OP. Your sister was so young.

I had horrible dreams after my father died for a while. Looking back, I think now that I was in shock for quite a while (he was in remission and it wasn't expected). It took a long time to stop picturing him with the oxygen mask on and thinking about what he went through.

Someone very wise told me to forget all the nonsense that you hear people say about it taking a year to feel better. It took me almost a decade to be able to feel happiness fully again. I smile when I think of him now and the image that comes to mind is the young him, when I was a child.

LBFseBrom · 01/07/2025 14:57

It definitely is normal. I can understand how difficult it is for you as your sister was so very young, heartbreaking. My cousin died in March of last year and I dreamed of her for a long time (pleasant dreams), not for a while now. I also had conversations with her in my head, we used to talk so often. I grew up next door to her so she was more like an older sister. I'm only saying this to illustrate that is a normal part of grief, otherwise there is no comparison, my cousin was elderly.

In time, your dreams will cease, for now take comfort from them. I am so sorry you are going through this.

WorriedRelative · 01/07/2025 15:53

When my Mum lost her brother young, in a sudden accident, she was told that it is one of the most traumatic bereavements after losing a child. You expect to outlive your parents but expect your siblings to be around forever.

Siblings often have to deal with the grief of their parents while grieving themselves. It can alter their relationships with their parents and other siblings or leave them feeling adrift with no close family if they no longer have their parents especially if they don't have other siblings. Your sibling is often the last link you have to your childhood, the last person who has always been there and who loves you unconditionally.

They can also feel forgotten because they aren't the principal mourners but have known and been close to their sibling for their whole life.

Please be kind to yourself and explore the help that is available to you.

Original poster
Rosieposy89 · 02/07/2025 10:02

WorriedRelative · 01/07/2025 15:53

When my Mum lost her brother young, in a sudden accident, she was told that it is one of the most traumatic bereavements after losing a child. You expect to outlive your parents but expect your siblings to be around forever.

Siblings often have to deal with the grief of their parents while grieving themselves. It can alter their relationships with their parents and other siblings or leave them feeling adrift with no close family if they no longer have their parents especially if they don't have other siblings. Your sibling is often the last link you have to your childhood, the last person who has always been there and who loves you unconditionally.

They can also feel forgotten because they aren't the principal mourners but have known and been close to their sibling for their whole life.

Please be kind to yourself and explore the help that is available to you.

Thank you so much, this makes so much sense to me.

I do feel like my relationship with my parents has altered. I can't put into words how, but it has. We are close, but I feel such an urge to protect them now. I also weirdly feel like I'm not enough for them to feel happy to be here. It's really hard to explain

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposy89 · 02/07/2025 10:03

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. It has been a massive help ❤️

OP posts:
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