Ex-H and his blatant, relentless lies on our divorce paperwork. AIBU to be devastated, but also worried…??

[brokenbutfixable]

Please help to put my mind at ease!

Ex-Hand I filed for a divorce around 7 months ago, but he has been massively dragging his heels and not completing documentation and paperwork in a timely manner, causing delays and extra stress and expenses.

my lawyer wrote to me a few weeks ago to advise that he has asked his solicitor to get the ball rolling in the divorce again, and so we were both asked to complete our financial disclosure forms in which I completed wholeheartedly and completely accurately and honestly.

I have just received an email from my lawyer containing my ex Husbands financial disclosure form, and I am extremely disappointed and really upset by what I’ve seen.

He has form for lying and manipulation, which is the cause of the marriage breakdown - and so I don’t know why I was expecting any diferent - but his form is absolutely packed FULL of lies.

He has lied and managed to fiddle with his bank statements and accounts to show his salary as almost 3 times LESS than what I know he earns.

He has made awful, very personal allegations against me. Stating that I have sold personal belongings, neglected assets, bad behavioural traits etc.

to say I am upset is an understatement. I’ve taken the day off work to try to go through our conversation history during the time we were together (19 years!) to find evidence to back myself up.

I know I sound pathetic - but I don’t know what implications these lies could have on the divorce going forward. I guess after all of his allegations, a calm mediation (which I was hoping for!) is now out of the question… so I assume this will now go to the courts..

Can his blatant lies have any effect on the way this divorce goes? My credibility etc? Some of the things he’s accused me of are downright awful, and I am so worried now that these lies will be believed and taken into account and considered when it comes to finding the outcome.

I am also kicking myself for being so considerate on my forms. I wish I went into as much detail as he has (lies, but still extremely detailed and convincing to those that would know no different …)

I am sorry to ramble on. I am just absolutely beside myself, and was hoping to hear from anybody that may know the process better than me.

Thanks in advance for any guidance

Is he self employed?

I’m not in the UK, so can’t comment much on that side of things. Talk to your lawyer. If he has lied about assets and income, I think you need a forensic accountant to disprove his lies. Do you have access to historical bank statements showing his income? Or tax returns?

@HankunamatataHe works for other family members, on an employment basis. But has somehow managed to fiddle with the paperwork to show he is being paid literally a third of what I know he gets paid.

I assume they are paying him a pittance by way of bank transfer and the rest he is getting in cash to hide and not have to disclose it.

It is reasonably common for people to lie during divorce.

you don’t need to pay any attention to his lies.
the only ones to worry about are if he las lied over income or assets.

if you go to mediation it will be a process of offers and negotiations. Ignore the lies and focus on the offers. You don’t have to accept his offers and he doesn’t have to accept yours.

if it does go to court the judge is interested in getting a reasonable outcome in a short space of time. Don’t bother arguing with your ex about who paid what for a holiday twenty years ago, focus on the assets and the children (if any) and on legal arguments.

Thank goodness there are no children involved, but he is claiming family lent him a HUGE sum of money which is now something he owes back to them, to pay for things that is categorically untrue (our wedding, which we paid ourselves.. honeymoon etc).

Get a forensic accountant? I would, even if it cost me more because I would be so pissed off.

I’m so new to all of this I genuinely did not know there was such thing I am going to look into this now.

like you said, I feel so hurt and disappointed and let down. He’s claiming all kinds of outrageous things and lies.

I was nothing but honest and considerate on my forms, and I am kicking myself now.

This is very common.

a forensic accountant will sort it.

quite apart from anything else, judges are used to men who try to hide assets. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually doing a very good job - HMRC will have tax records for him for his job, he can also be asked to provide payslips and evidence his income.

The “loan” from his family you can also challenge in court as if it exists there should be paperwork and evidence relating to it.

If you can prove his previous salary, he may need to prove in court why his salary dropped to a third of what it was when you were married for (presumably) doing the same role.

Also, if you think the company are fiddling the books, get the HMRC involved, because if they’re paying him in cash they’re presumably not paying tax and NI on that.

There is 100% some dodgy goings on in the company... his family are renowned for things like this, I am just searching for as much evidence as I can gather to put to bed all of his allegations and lies.

The family do you have a personal assistant who is also very well trained in fiddling numbers, So I am just concerned as to what extent they have been able to get away with.

It is also Glaringly obvious that it is not him that has filled out the paperwork. It is a different handwriting and style and tone to what he would normally write like.

Throughout all of the forms, it is mentioned that it is a legally and lawful binding document and that it must be completed In honesty, but it clearly hasn’t been.

Yup, time to play hard ball, he had his chance to play fair. As others have said engage a forensic accountant, alert HMRC, etc - speak to your lawyer about what you can do. You’ll need to get a bit of a thicker skin re the lies I’m afraid. People lie during divorce, sorry (my no-ex turned into someone I didn’t recognise). Focus on getting a fair financial settlement and ignore the ‘noise’. It will be worth it.

Yep, he's given you an indication that this is going to be an adversarial, dirty fight from him. Now you know, your conscience is clear that you went into it being fair but now the gloves are off. Have zero wobbles and ignore the fuckers who will tell you to be kind. You didn't start this. He did.

Unleash the legal hounds love. Make him and his employers sorry they started it.

Thank you all so much for your help and support so far. I am really going to have to dig deep to find some strength to begin the fight. I was really hoping that we would be able to do this amicably, but obviously he’s got other ideas.

I will try to contact my lawyer today to see what I need to do next, But in the meantime, I’m spending the afternoon finding all of the evidence I can possibly gather.

Does anybody know where I stand in the allegations that he has made about me selling off some property of his, Gifts, et cetera?! Obviously, this is categorically untrue, however, I am worried that I don’t have evidence to prove otherwise!

I wouldn't worry about his false allegations about your behaviour or character. They have seen it all before. The judge won't be interested in tit for tat, he is there to decide how assets are spilt fairly not take sides on who was a meanie.

@brokenbutfixable

info wrt forensic accountant

"He has made awful, very personal allegations against me"

Although this must be infuriating for you, the financials are the single, most important protection for you. As is your, possible, share of his pension.

I hope you have an excellent lawyer @brokenbutfixable, at such a stressful time they can give you some confidence, if they are competent.

Lying about assets/salary/debts etc etc in divorce paperwork is something that Courts are, sadly, used to seeing - and also used to dealing with. It's a big time no.

Best thing you can do is to gather as much information as you can. And this is a good lesson for anyone else reading who may be contemplating divorce: Get ALL the bank statements, tax forms, deeds to any property, debts etc etc etc. Get them together as soon as possible. Keep electronic and hard copies of all this information. Also get a credit check done (which should indicate all the credit cards and other accounts your name/details are associated with.

Your lawyers should have explained the implications of lying in financial forms.

Try to get the divorce done ASAP - bear in mind that if he is lying on any forms and is shown to be lying then he runs the risk of having any divorce agreement declared void by the Court. Courts can also impose strict financial penalties on anyone who is lying about assets and salary. Best way to prove all of this is to have documentation.

If it is untrue he won't have evidence to back him up either. It is for the person making the accusations to provide the evidence.

It would be up to him to prove his allegations - not for you to defend against them. Obviously if you never sold an alleged item then the proof is that you still have it in your possession. Take photographs, date them, and make sure those items are kept in a secure location that he cannot access.

If there are assets that were sold then presumably you have receipts? If he's making up imaginary assets then he won't be able to prove they were ever in existence let alone that you sold them and kept the cash.

From this point out, if you aren't already, do not have any contact with this guy - certainly not verbally. Make sure everything is documented and that you keep copies of all communications. Ideally the contact would be all through your lawyers.

Thank you I already don’t have any contact with him and haven’t done for many months now thank goodness. I have a feeling he will be trying to blame me for allegedly selling some of the items that his family gifted him over the years.

He had a large falling out with his family whilst we were together and slap – decided to sell off a lot of his gifts from them, Meanwhile, I was actually the one telling him to stop being so irrational and to keep them as they are meaningful.

I would imagine now that he is back in contact with said family members they are asking where these items are, And it is easier for him to blame me For apparently selling them as opposed to him actually being truthful.

I know how you feel. My exh did the same to me. He withheld pensions, savings, assets to the value of £750K. It didn't work in the end of course and he looked like a massive idiot but it's so uncomfortable to think that the person doing this to you is someone you have shared a bed with for decades, shared children with (in my case) and just generally trusted. It takes time to get your head around the fact that somebody can hate you so much. It wasn't in my nature to play the same dirty game back and that has really paid off. Everyone except his mum has seen who he really is and he is now a very lonely and bitter man. Even our kids won't have anything to do with him, nor our mutual friends.

What you have done with gifts is completely irrelevant. If there is value in the gifts they will need to be added as an asset but if the second hand value is negligent than you don't need to add it.

If it goes to court everything will come out. He will be questioned as will you.

As pp said, get all your financial documents together and anything else that can show you are telling the truth eg dates, messages, emails, even social media.

My ex tried to hide assets but he had posted on a public forum about what one of his assets was worth so that was used as evidence. I also had emails about a ‘business’ he was running and he referred to cash in hand transactions. He claimed he was ill and broke but posted pictures of his fancy holidays on Facebook!

This was ten years ago so I would expect people to be more savvy these days about their affairs if they are divorcing but see what you can find. Even text or email exchanges between you and him can show a lot. Also try not to worry too much. The main thing is tell the truth. Sometimes it will be your word against his but the judges will be able to see through him if it is as you say.

@Boilingtoday I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve gone through the same with somebody that seems to be extremely similar to my ex.

I don’t know how it is so hard to just be honest! I feel so stupid for being so honest and genuine and considerate with my paperwork, But at least I can rest easier at night knowing that everything I’ve documented is exactly as it should be, No secrets and nothing to hide!

If there’s no kids what has his salary got to do with anything
Surely it’s just a split of assets