To feel like her emotional support human?

[Peoplemesswithmyhead]

NC as very personal. Long story, will try not to drip feed.

I am AuDHD (can share further details), my friend of over 40 years is ADHD.

We both had difficult childhoods - comfortable but emotionally scarring. She came to live with my family for 6 weeks when we were teenagers.

Since then I have gone on to lead a very stable life (by active choice) but struggle with my thoughts and have had occasional crises with my birth family, or at work

Her life has had many twists and turns and I have been there for her all along.

She moved back to the UK 8 years ago and for a few years we were very close, seeing each other regularly. She was desperate for a relationship, and found one she is really happy with (am I delighted for her) but since then I feel I have been mostly dropped, unless she needs something.

A year ago I got upset and challenged her, and we agreed I should speak up earlier if I felt upset. Tbh I felt a bit patronised and gaslit by the call but put it behind me.

Over the last six months I have given her a lot of emotional support through her family crises, taking lots of phone calls, have spent hours and hours online creating finance spreadsheets and revision timetables for her child, dropped self help books round etc etc.

In return I get promises of meet ups that then get cancelled, often scheduled in her work time, which really upsets me (am clearly not a priority).

Her new partner also doesn't seem to like me or my family much, which is fine, but a shame.

It all came to a head recently for me when my adult child needed emergency surgery and within 48 hours she was back to asking for my help. The surgery was over six weeks ago now and we have yet to speak on the phone or meet in person. When she has reached out, the first text is how are you, the second, can you please help with....

I am kind, non-bitchy, loyal, decent and yes, slightly odd. I just feel really worthless and used. AIBU?

Where do I go from here? I don't want drama or upset and I don't want to lose another friend (a different childhood friend ghosted me a few years ago l, don't know why).

Please be kind. Feeling fragile.

You say you dont want to lose another friend OP but honestly she doesn't sound like a friend to me.

It's so one sided: she uses you and gives nothing in return.And she is affecting your self esteem.

Honestly you should think about yourself for a change and stop being available for her. Withdraw from.the " friendship".

And try to find yourself some new hobby, some way to meet different people with the potential of having a mutually beneficial and satisfying friendship with someone who can see you for what you are and not just their support human.

Drop her. The only thing she brings to your life is stress, pressure and demands.

What are you doing? Why have you become this woman's caseworker? Are you a rescuer?

Thanks @Smallchangebiggain .

She did send a card to me when I won an award last year, but my gut is telling me this is all out of whack.

I know she has had a really really tough time lately but I feel like there is no space for me to have any needs (this gives me flashbacks to my childhood and siblings).

I have been thinking about joining something/ starting a hobby. Helpful prompt, thank you.

You're her friend, she's not yours.is her partner her dcs dad?
If so why are they both so reliant on you to do things for the child?
Agree with drop her.

@MiloMinderbinder925 I am starting to think I might be.

People seem to gravitate to me when they need help. And I help them.

Will look up rescuer. I think this has roots in me not really understanding other people.

Yes, OP. Why have you chosen to behave you your friend’s personal caseworker for years? This is not something anyone can make you do, it has been your own series of choices. What is in this pattern of behaviour for you?

https://theawarenesscentre.com/are-you-playing-the-rescuer/

@CaptainFuture Partner is not Dad. Two kids, different Dads, new partner.

She struggles with her ADHD so I have been stepping in. And would have been happy to do so if I felt respected.

I am struggling to walk away - not sure what I am afraid of.

Is there anyway to get this friendship back on track?

@CatRoleplayTycoon feeling needed, wanted, part of a social group. Feeling like this is unquestionably socially acceptable behaviour that I can't be castigated for.

@MiloMinderbinder925 what a helpful link, thank you.

Can see clear links to my childhood and addict sibling.

So I think I should step back and see if I have any value to her when I am not being her caseworker.

And get some new friends.

And try not to become anyone else's caseworker.

This is more PA/counsellor than friend.

I am sorry but I do think you just have to cut her loose, I am sure she is fond of you, but she is utterly taking advantage - it’s not a friendship.

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones

Yes. 100pc PA counsellor.

So how do I extricate myself without being unkind?

I think my fear is 'what if nobody ever likes me again?'

I do have other friends, and quite a few of them are blokes, who never ask for any help, which I like.

I think my mum was a rescuer, and I think I do it to my kids, if I am being really honest with myself. Bit of a revelation.

Exactly. Good for you for seeing that — a lot of people who cast themselves as ‘rescuers’ or people-pleasers can’t see it and just bang on about how they’re ’too nice’. In your case, your behaviour isn’t having the desired effect, though (it seldom does) — you feel disrespected and invisible and like a human support animal, because you’re in a pattern of behaviour where your raison d’etre in the friendship is to be the shoulder to cry on, with no emotional needs of your own.

You need to prioritise yourself.

mist if us have a friend who is the one that no matter what we would drop everything - the one that if they phoned at 3am you’d be there for them and the reason why - because it is reciprocal - they would go the same for you .

in your friendship you do all the giving and she does all the taking. Totally unbalanced and not nice.

next time she calls I would turn the conversation back to myself in your refusal to help

She says. - can you help me with ….

you reply - I’m dorry - but what with Joe just coming out of surgery 2 days ago I’m just totally bogged down and need to focus all my energy on him, he’s been really poorly and needs…

once you’ve refused her a few times I think she might drop off…

she seems to find you useful but isn’t giving anything back to you.

find some other friends - join a book group, join a gym, take up a sport or hobby, go to church or temple or mosque etc…

there are millions of lovely people out there that I’m sure would bring far more to a friendship than she does.

distance yourself - don’t feel guilty for saying no and wait and see if she starts asking a bit more about your life etc… sadly I doubt she will - but you need space from her as she is using you.

Also look into codependency.

Mirror other people's behaviour. If they support you, support them.

@Parrotdrill that is so helpful, thank you

Yes you need to take a big step back and see if the friendship "resets" at a better equilibrium. If so, good. If not and she falls away then you'll know that she wasn't a true friend.

I get it, it's tough if (like me) you aren't one of those confident people brimming over with charisma who attracts friends at the drop of a hat so you don't want to take risks that might push away the friends you do have. But you don't want to attract/encourage pisstakers either.

So if things feel tough for you or unbalanced or you just don't want to do yet another favour, say sorry no, I'm having a tough time at the moment because xyz and I just can't, hope you get it sorted.

Another thing I'll say is that people who get used to being enabled by someone stepping in and solving their problems can actually get worse because their own problem solving skills (and confidence) recede. So you'd probably be doing her a favour too.

Wikipedia Codependency:

"an excessive reliance on other people for approval and for a sense of identity and purpose. A 2004 study found that definitions typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems"

Shit.

Feeling a bit tearful now. Thank you.

I don't think you need to drop the friendship altogether but I would take a big, gentle step back.

Be busy, be using your phone less because you realised you were too reliant on it, explore more of your own interests and find some more friends. Create space in your friendship for her to step forward or not. Either way, if you make your life more full it's a win win. You can have new friends and interests and not notice her absence so much because of that, or you have a new busier life and find that she takes a more proactive role in your friendship.

@honeylulu thank you.

Yes - I can absolutely see how it isn't actually helpful to either of us.

And I love the idea of a reset and better equilibrium.

@Sortumn 'a big, gentle step back'.

Yes, thank you.

Mumsnet peeps, you have given me so much help already!

Am on holiday so going to try to step away from this now until this evening, and in the meantime ruminate on my own role in all of this whilst cycling in the sunshine.

Thank you.

I agree that it’s necessary to take a step back. Having experienced similar I found it quite heartbreaking to let my friend go. Almost like a relationship break up! But I was definitely being used as you are. So I deleted her number from my phone and didn’t contact her. I was busy when she contacted me. She now has more respect for me and wants to see me but I’ve moved on. I’ve got better friends now who like me and the friendships are much more equal. You will be much happier when you’ve made the break, honestly.

Thanks @Laralee

I think I will first try a gentle reset to a balanced relationship.

And if that doesn't work, I will clearly need to move on, as you say.

But I now realise I also need to do a lot of work on myself to find out how I got here and break the pattern.

And find some self respect.