To feel like her emotional support human?

[Peoplemesswithmyhead]

NC as very personal. Long story, will try not to drip feed.

I am AuDHD (can share further details), my friend of over 40 years is ADHD.

We both had difficult childhoods - comfortable but emotionally scarring. She came to live with my family for 6 weeks when we were teenagers.

Since then I have gone on to lead a very stable life (by active choice) but struggle with my thoughts and have had occasional crises with my birth family, or at work

Her life has had many twists and turns and I have been there for her all along.

She moved back to the UK 8 years ago and for a few years we were very close, seeing each other regularly. She was desperate for a relationship, and found one she is really happy with (am I delighted for her) but since then I feel I have been mostly dropped, unless she needs something.

A year ago I got upset and challenged her, and we agreed I should speak up earlier if I felt upset. Tbh I felt a bit patronised and gaslit by the call but put it behind me.

Over the last six months I have given her a lot of emotional support through her family crises, taking lots of phone calls, have spent hours and hours online creating finance spreadsheets and revision timetables for her child, dropped self help books round etc etc.

In return I get promises of meet ups that then get cancelled, often scheduled in her work time, which really upsets me (am clearly not a priority).

Her new partner also doesn't seem to like me or my family much, which is fine, but a shame.

It all came to a head recently for me when my adult child needed emergency surgery and within 48 hours she was back to asking for my help. The surgery was over six weeks ago now and we have yet to speak on the phone or meet in person. When she has reached out, the first text is how are you, the second, can you please help with....

I am kind, non-bitchy, loyal, decent and yes, slightly odd. I just feel really worthless and used. AIBU?

Where do I go from here? I don't want drama or upset and I don't want to lose another friend (a different childhood friend ghosted me a few years ago l, don't know why).

Please be kind. Feeling fragile.

I had a friend like this some years back.

We'd met at work and became friends through that. Eventually she moved on, but had a horrible time with her new employer. Myself and another colleague/friend bent over backwards to support her. At times, she was messaging every day asking for help. We'd give it, but she'd find umpteen reasons why that idea wouldn't work/she couldn't possibly do X. It got really, really intense.

She then ended up coming back to the employer where we'd met and settled down again. We both stayed another year, then left at the same time, in July 2018. She found another job where she's much happier, and I've barely heard from her since.
We met up for one evening meal in about August 2019, and then obviously covid hit. We met up again for a lunch in January 2024, and that was the last time I heard from her.
We're still social media friends, and she seems happy enough, but I've no real interest in re-establishing the friendship.

I’m sorry to derail the thread op but I’m fascinated by the rescuer and codependency , can anybody recommend a website or a book that breaks all of this stuff down and explains more about these various roles as I’m sure there must be more than just those two? Narcissist? Victim? Etc

@Peoplemesswithmyhead I can relate to this, I’ve been dropped many times by “friends” when they no longer need my counselling services.

I think there’s no point in having it out with your friend, stop making yourself available to be her emotional support and focus your energy into making yourself happy xx

Your her friend. She isn't yours. Distance yourself from her. You deserve better.

You are very hard on yourself OP. In fact, emotionally astute. Kind, caring, generous.
You don’t have to completely drop your friend but detach with care for a while.
I think finding a group to join would be ideal for you. Also think of volunteering - you are clearly capable and highly organised they would be lucky to have you.
When you give too much it becomes a habit, and the receiver gets used to it. Time to put yourself first.

Try:

The Karpman Drama Triangle
Codependency No More
Codependency for Dummies

Again, good for you, OP. I think a good place to start is with whatever self-esteem issues mean you think you have to trade ‘services’ for friendship, and why just your company isn’t enough to attract friends, to your mind.

@OnyourbarksGSG not derailing at all. Turns out this is the issue.

Thanks @Rosesanddaffs . I think this is really good advice.

Thanks @Richiewoo . Yes.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo @CatRoleplayTycoon

Ooof. You have really got to the heart of it, thank you.

Lots for me to reflect on here.

Is it Possible menopause anxiety is affecting you both?

I’m going to give you a couple of bits of advice here:- I used to be you. It’s really hard to
break the conditioning - and she’s counting on it.
When she asks for the next favor/assistance/aid/rescue just say, “I’m swamped right now, let me get back to you in a couple of days.”
This implies that you’re going to give it some consideration. (You’re not…, but it also nips in the bud any later accusations of you acting rashly or being “emotional”.)
Call her back and say, “I know I said I’d call you, and I’ve only got a minute. I’ve thought about it, and I really don’t have the bandwidth to help at the moment, sorry. Hope you find something that works for you. Anyhow, I’ve really got to how. Byeeee.”
DON’T EXPLAIN
**DON’T JUSTIFY
EVER

@CreationNat1on good shout, but both post-hysterectomy. And I think this is quite a long standing issue, looking back on it now.

@Francestein thank you. These ideas for phrases are really helpful.

I know mum massively enabled my addicted sibling, and I thought I was wise to it.

I also know there is a part of me that wants everyone to be happy all the time then no-one will turn to heroin and everything will fall apart.

It's crazy, when you find out what is actually going on in your head 😬

Yanbu I'm in a similar situation, I've been working on making myself less available to her and it seems to be working. A big but kind step back is needed.

She’s using you. Read up on establishing healthy boundaries and/or have some counselling to support you to implement them and feel more confident in yourself.

Also, don’t answer phone calls from her - ever. Let them all go to voice mail. Don’t immediately respond to text messages from ANY family members.

They are all used to getting immediate gratification from you. They need to learn that you exist (and have a life) outside of their immediate impulse in that moment. Give it a minimum of six hours for “urgent” things.

Expect push-back when you say no to things and manipulative tactics such as illness/anxiety/health scares. You need to let them rescue themselves. Nobody makes you feel bad without your permission. Don’t give them permission.