Get to bed

[Butterflywings84]

I can’t quite believe I’m posting this as it seems so ridiculous but here goes.
It’s 8:45. Im upstairs trying to get DD1 (age 2) to sleep who is struggling to settle. DH is downstairs with DD2 (age 7) playing on a computer game. DD2 has wet hair after her bath. I shout down its bedtime now and carry on trying to settle DD1.
After another 10 mins and DD1 following me downstairs, I lose my temper and shout they both need to be in bed now.
I take DD1 back up and DH tells DD2 to go to bed. I ask whether she’s had her hair dried and cleaned her teeth and he says no because I said she needs to go to bed. I said yes but obviously not with wet hair and he tells me I’m trying to gaslight him because I clearly said she needs to go to bed so that’s what he did.
I tried to explain that she has her hair dried or brushed and cleans her teeth every night before bed so how can he not see that is what needed to happen first.
But he won’t back down, and is convinced he is right and I am being unreasonable.
AIBU?

Teeth brushing obviously needs to happen, hair drying not necessarily. I haven't dried DD's hair for ages. She quite often goes to bed with it pretty wet.

If everyone's hot and frazzled then it isn't completely ridiculous he thought skipping teeth brushing for one night was on the cards. Not a reason to have a major falling out anyway.

You've got them the wrong way round too. DD1 means your first born so she has to be the 7 year old and DD2 is 2.

Quick note, people usually use DD1 for the first-born and DD2 for the second-born so if people switch around the numbers in your post that's why. It doesn't matter it's just it might be confusing if you didn't realise.

What is their normal bedtime routine? Do you do everything?

He's being a total dick. What's he like usually?

This is the sort of shit my DH used to pull. He'd get into a huff because I shouted down or undermined him or whatever and instead of doing his fair share then later when it was just us saying calmly "hey could you not shout down / undermine me" he'd behave like this; sulk, behave like a knob and then finally explode about why he was annoyed.

After doing some work in couple's therapy I made it very clear that I was not prepared to put up with it at all and I would manage alone if he didn't learn how to communicate like a reasonable adult.

Is this a pattern for your DH? I honestly could not go through it again. I think that's why mine stopped. I wasn't bluffing.

Yanbu. Going to bed with teeth not done and wet hair is neglectful

What's wrong with wet hair? I never dry my hair regardless of what time of day I'm having a shower. In the depths of winter I'd part dry DD's but I've never got it totally dry and at this time of year I wouldn't bother at all.

In winter it would make your bed damp. Gross. Opposite of cosy.
Maybe not so much of an issue this week with it being so hot.

He is often home late in the week and so I would say I do 95% of bedtimes even if he is here.

Yeah, that's why I'd take the edge of it if it was was winter. I don't know where OP is and how hot it is but my children are still wife awake now as they are so hot. I cant imagine blasting either of them with hot air just before trying to get them to go to bed would be in any way conducive to sleeping.

It's not neglectful to be going to bed with wet hair.

It’s not so much whether it is ok for her to have wet hair or not but that is what we have always done. Put it this way his argument was not based on it being hot so he thought it would be ok for her to go to bed with wet hair, it was because I did not communicate that I expected him to dry her hair.

I don't think that's unreasonable in itself. Even of you tend to do it every time you wash it doesn't mean it would be a potential issue if you didn't do it one day.

It might well be that he's an arsehole in general and he's trying to pick a fight for the sake of it, but on the basis of this incident alone I don't think he's being unreasonable not to assume she needed her hair dried.

Or at least brush it and clean her teeth

Everyone is hot and tired. It's such a minor petty issue is it really worth an argument?. Pour a glass of wine, let the kids run around in the garden for 20mins. Their hair will dry, they'll get rid of some energy and you can both chill out. Then do bedtime again with teeth brushing.

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed but if it’s a one off I’d let it go pretty swiftly and try and move on. If it forms a pattern of general incompetence though I can see how it would be a lot more annoying.

It's a problem if this sort of thing happens a lot ie he does something out of the norm for your family or isn't pulling his weight and blames you but otherwise no.

Next weekend, just go out for a walk at bedtime and come back when they're both asleep.

I can really empathise with you. I once asked my DC’s Dad if he could empty the washing machine. So he did just that and no more ie put the wet washing in a bag.
I don’t feel I should need to spell out the steps to a grown adult. Teeth brushing is important
so should happen irrespective of the time in my opinion.
Could you talk to him & explain that you need him to take some initiative & not just blindly follow what you say to the letter. To see for himself that it’s bedtime so he sorts that without you asking.

edited for a typo

Isn't playing with the kids important? I think it matters a lot more than all the things you're talking about.

He’s playing silly games and knows exactly what you meant.
Let it go then find your opportunity. Watch the penny drop.

Is he autistic? Some people that are follow instructions to the T even if they make no sense. If not sorry.

I have it and if my partner was in a temper and hadn’t specified to dry their hair etc I wouldn’t have

I think you should have been clearer tbh.

You said time for bed knowing her hair was wet. That should hand been done after he bath, because there wasn't enough time for it to dry naturally and your focus was on her getting to bed.

I think it’s more this. I feel like I do everything and unless I literally spell out what needs to happen it won’t get done. Maybe I was more annoyed that it’s evident how much I do that he can’t follow the usual bedtime routine and couldn’t think for himself and then blamed me for not being clear

It is but not when it’s nearly 9pm on a school night. I’m just not sure when / if he would have even decided it’s bedtime if I hadn’t pointed out the time as he just assumes I will sort all that

@Butterflywings84 you are not being unreasonable, your husband needs to stick to the routine of bedtime rather than creating obstacles.

In your place, I’d be pissed off too xx

This is why I ranted on here. He refused to engage after. This is why I bottle things up most of the time and just carry on regardless because if I do ever try to highlight a problem he refuses to see my point of view and just shuts down so I’m left fuming with no resolution.

Her hair was left as she said can I dry it later and play with daddy while you sort the little one out. Fine with me. But when I’m stuck for an hour trying to sort the little one I just thought (or more hoped) DH might have taken the initiative. Instead I’m struggling with the little one knowing I still have to sort the eldest and time is ticking on.