Get to bed

[Butterflywings84]

I can’t quite believe I’m posting this as it seems so ridiculous but here goes.
It’s 8:45. Im upstairs trying to get DD1 (age 2) to sleep who is struggling to settle. DH is downstairs with DD2 (age 7) playing on a computer game. DD2 has wet hair after her bath. I shout down its bedtime now and carry on trying to settle DD1.
After another 10 mins and DD1 following me downstairs, I lose my temper and shout they both need to be in bed now.
I take DD1 back up and DH tells DD2 to go to bed. I ask whether she’s had her hair dried and cleaned her teeth and he says no because I said she needs to go to bed. I said yes but obviously not with wet hair and he tells me I’m trying to gaslight him because I clearly said she needs to go to bed so that’s what he did.
I tried to explain that she has her hair dried or brushed and cleans her teeth every night before bed so how can he not see that is what needed to happen first.
But he won’t back down, and is convinced he is right and I am being unreasonable.
AIBU?

Wet hair is not a problem. Teeth yes.

hes being unreasonable but so are you. He probably geeks everything had to be done your way when you say ( controlling). You probably think you do that otherwise he wouldn’t do anything,

you both need to sit down in the cold light of day and get these out into the open

I’ve decided to take a step back from any control. So he is currently still sleeping while I run around and sort the kids out as I am refusing to give him the 30 “it’s time to get up” calls that I usually do every morning.

Your routine is shot to hell if you’re putting your 2 year old down at 8:45 and it sounds like you’re both ready to snap for any reason because you’re knackered, hot and bothered, and have no time to yourselves and to spend with each other after the kids are in bed.

Sit together today and agree a rock solid bedtime routine with 2 year old in bed no later than 7pm. Write it down and stick it on the fridge if you need to. Keep the routine simple. Don’t expect it to be communicated telepathically, just agree it and move on. The routine needs sorted regardless of this miscommunication.

i wasn’t putting her down at 8:45 - it was that time after I had been battling with getting her to sleep for over an hour. She had napped in the day (on DH’s watch) which then makes bedtime a nightmare so it was never going to be easy. We also ate late as the dinner he picked up took 85 mins to cook and that was left to me to put in when I got back at 5:30. So probably a build up of things yesterday as usually she is in bed by 7

It sounds like there’s a lot of miscommunication and resentment going on. Did you have to cook that dinner? Could you have said “that’s going to take too long” and asked your husband to just fling together some tuna pasta instead and cook the dinner on another night?

When the routine has totally gone to shit, as it does sometimes, can you and husband agree to deal solely with each child separately and just leave the other one to it. You don’t need to shout down to him- just say “I’ll go sort the wee one, you put older child to bed” and leave them to it.

You have to let go of the control or you’ll give yourself an ulcer.

Going to bed with wet hair can damage your hair and scalp. Wet hair is more prone to breakage, and the dampness can breed bacteria and fungi, leading to scalp problems.

You’re probably right. I am a control freak and he will only really do stuff if it suits him. Works fine until I reach breaking point and wonder why he’s not helping. I have tried recently to just ask him to do stuff rather than hoping he will take the initiative as a middle ground so rather than stewing about what he’s not doing I just ask if he can do it. Frustration just got the better of me last night. But that topped with his refusal to engage means it’s really hard to sort anything. I will try and speak to him later but his usual routine will be the silent treatment until we just slip into pretending nothing happened.

I think you need to hone in on the absolute non-negotiables and have a very strict (but sparse) bedtime routine. Let go of whatever isn’t necessary, or let it be optional, and just agree on the set things that have to happen.

For me that’s really just put your pyjamas on, have one last pee, and brush your teeth. Everything else can come and go. A missed bath, a bedtime with hair a little damp rather than blow dried sometimes… it just doesn’t matter.

He can’t be a lazy sod who doesn’t fully chip in with bedtime and all the rest, but equally you need to relax about it all.

Wet hair can be excused on a hot night; but did he seriously think you meant put her to bed without brushing her teeth? Surely he can't be that dumb, or he's just lazy?

Has he got up yet?

Mine would be in a terrible tangle in the morning if I did that

And it's not comfortable

Thanks all. He got up on his own. Have noticed he has done a couple of subtle bits to help that he wouldn’t normally have. We both apologised for the way we handled things last night and he has said he will try to help more if I feel unsupported. We have acknowledged we both need to work on our communication.

it’s the first time I have posted on here and I can honestly say it was really cathartic, helpful to see other opinions and also to feel supported too so thank you to those who took the time to contribute