Sick of friend ranting about job

[657904I]

I work in data science in public sector, senior manager with dozens of direct reports. My friend is a NHS nurse/manager of nurses in ICU ward.

She often tells me I get paid more than her for doing nothing. I don’t know how much she earns but I think she searched my civil service grade salary online. My job requires regular travel across the country, and the policy area is subject to regular public scrutiny so can be demanding. I also work with difficult colleagues at all levels, so I definitely don’t have an easy job, in fact I’m actively job hunting as the atmosphere is awful and I hate the travel.

However my friend (without me prompting), constantly goes on at how horrible her job is. She is suffering with back pain as a result of work, hates her management and direct reports, is very stressed, has no work-life balance etc. I understand she’s in a difficult and thankless role, but she’s also been relentlessly ranting about the same people/job for years with no desire to change anything. She does not want to leave the hospital she is based at. Aibu to be sick of the ranting now?

It dominates every conversation we have. I don’t talk about my work with her anymore, but she’ll always find a way to cycle it back to her job. I’m not sure how to respond. In the past, I have done everything from agree to her that her job is more difficult/important, thanked her, checked if she is okay, given her pep talks, been a listening ear, asked if she’s looking for alternative work, suggested jobs in my company etc. She is often unable to reply to messages or socialise due to her job. So the friendship feels one-sided.

I would drop the friendship. Stop contacting her. If she asks to talk or meet up, say you're busy. She doesn't seem to have much regard for you as a person.

Why would you want to keep her as a friend? It's horrible the way she says you have it easier. She's clearly not going to make any changes to her own life so your future with her will be like your past. I'd avoid conversations and meeting up. I wouldn't block her but I would fade her out.

Simple Question. Is your life better for having your friend in it? If the answer is no, then end the friendship. I am afraid this is typical of a lot of NHS nurses, they were put on a pedestal in Covid and they can’t come down. Everyone’s job is stressful. They sometimes forget they have job security, great enhanced unsocial pay and a great pension. I worked as a nurse in the NHS and expectations have now changed, not for the better.

You could tell her how to get into your job - the training courses that might help and then watch while she does precisely nothing.

She has the right to rant about her job, but not to diss yours! Your job sounds effing hard to me.

Not saying nursing is easy but I am aware that its a reasonably flexible job in that you can move from one specialism to another, and she should be aware of the easier areas of work.
Occupational health? Gp practice nurse..

Ynbu - you’ve been more than patient especially when she’s unfairly comparing vs yours.

Can you try a (tongue in cheek) eye roll and a ‘ah not this topic again - I’m setting my timer for 15 mins and then we really need for change the record’… It might put the notion in her head that it’s a bit much, or give you a prompt to have a bit of a heart to heart around how this is putting you off the friendship.

Call her out on it. Next time she demeans your work, say “that’s very rude and presumptuous of you!” If she splutters a bit and apologises, give her another chance. If she doubles down, drop her as a friend.

I'd be very tempted to go off one one about issues with connectivity, senior managers who giggle and say they don't understand numbers, raging emails about the data being wrong when it's showing them something they don't want to see, wilful misinterpretation of statistics, explaining patiently why you can't just delete or move a database/replicate the entire thing in Excel, crappy chairs and a computer so underpowered it's hotter than the surface of the sun whilst IT say that there isn't anything capable of what you want it to do, the Assistant who thinks their boss' SCS 2 means they share that seniority by osmosis demanding to know why you can't just do it all in Google Sheets as they use it all the time and it's great, the difference between SQL, VBA and CFML being like speaking Early Modern English, Late Anglo Saxon and an obscure dialect of proto-Indo-European that you have to translate first into Ecclesiastical Latin and then into French, Spanish, German and for one very particular (annoying) manager, into Thuringian Deutsch with a Swabian accent and every time some idiot bitches at you that you do fuck all everyday, you'd like to shove the seventeen data requests that'll 'just take a couple of minutes' all demanded in the next hour and a half up their nose.

However, what I'd probably do is be unavailable in future. Busy at work, you see. All that wandering around thinking and drinking crap coffee whilst swearing one's way through one's nine inboxes of a morning takes it out of one somewhat.

You have my data-ly sympathies.

Depends on how much you want to retain the friendship, but I would suggest responding along the lines of:-

"I completely understand your frustrations, but let's be honest here, you have been making the same complaints for the last 5 years but don't appear to have made any attempt to improve the situation. Either you want it to change or you don't? I am happy to offer practical suggestions to improve, but it's equally frustrating for me to be going over the same ground endlessly with no change. What do you actually want?"

I do not tolerate friends or anyone telling me how hard or easy my job or life is. Nobody else knows.

I also would find her martyrdom unbearable.

I'd be downgrading the friendship.

Ahahahahahahaha. Quality suggestion!

OP your friend sounds like a boring fun sponge and you've been far too kind.

She often tells me I get paid more than her for doing nothing.

Sorry, but I don't have a single friend who says things like that. Why would you be friends with someone who feels you do nothing?

If you haven't already done so it might be time to kindly read her the riot act and say she's been banging on about this for years and not done anything to tackle it.

Otherwise I'd drop her or phase her out. Friendship is a two-way street and no one has the right to use their friends as a verbal punch bag or to keep riffing on and on about the same topic. Expecting someone to listen to the same stuff on repeat implies she has no consideration for your needs.

I'd have told her to fuck off over the job thing...in fact the first time she raised how hard and difficult it I would have asked "ooo can you smell something burning" "no" " I can, it's a martyr ". That normally shuts down the conversation.

I hate job martyrs who bang on and on about how they're on their knees etc.

Remind them that other jobs are available, and they react like you've just kicked a litter of puppies.

But to search your pay and tell you you're doing nothing, makes her a prize knob head.

The one track record is enough I think to end the friendship, much as this may be painful.

Ha ! tell she gets paid a lot more than me for doing very little, honestly every patient she see's will be on a profile bed ( electric bed that goes up and down with a hand control ) , I on the other hand have to move patients by clambering across their king size divan, with a slide sheet between my teeth and a continence pad in one hand and some wipes in the other, whilst the family pets take pot shots at me ( the free flying parrot was a particular low ), the relatives fire a million questions at me, the phone in my pocket doesn't stop ringing with call outs and I wonder why anyone needs their heating on when its 30 degree's !

And the carers who follow me, doing pretty much everything else for that person get paid even less than me and don't get nearly as much holiday !

Some people are just like this. I had a friend who constantly moaned about her job. She was also single and if I ever had even the slightest whinge about anything she would say “well, at least you have the husband and the child”, which pretty much shut me up. She was also always so cross, raging about her journey to wherever we were meeting or whatever.

I haven’t seen her since our last meet up for an after work coffee where she moaned on forever and didn’t once ask me a single question despite me asking her loads and also trying to calm her down.

This isn't a friendship. It may have been at one point, but it isn't anymore.

There's no give and take. There's no reciprocation. She doesn't care about your life. Quite the contrary, she shows contempt for your life.

I don't think I could get past someone saying to me that I get paid more for doing nothing. It's utter hubris to say that somebody does nothing at work.

It sounds as if she just trauma dumps on you. It must be incredibly draining. I currently have a friend like this and it's been going on now for over a year. Every time I see her, it's just the same old stories about her job and how much she hates it.And how it's making her ill. She did the same to me and said that all of the problems I have ever had in my career to date and nothing compared to what she's dealt with.

I have to say I said to her face, it's very difficult for me to have to hear that from you, and I m afraid you re going to have to find an outlet better suited to you. I told her straight that I can't keep listening to this anymore. It's got a little better. But she does make snide comments now in saying I know you don't think my situation at work is that bad. It's just passive aggression.

People like this don't want to give-and-take friendship. They want someone to validate how they're feeling and they want someone to trauma, dump their problems on.

I would just slowly back away from her. If you ever do meet her again either, tell her straight like I did my friend or just fob her off. Say things like you said that the last ten times I met you. Best of luck

@NeverDropYourMooncup lol! Your post was eerily similar to my woes, are these idiots just everywhere then??

Honestly I think you nailed it here.

I feel really stupid.
I was supposed to see her today (Sunday), only because we’re going to my favourite restaurant which I haven’t been to in a while. Even bought a new dress for it!

Anyway she has apparently been so busy that she can’t confirm if she’s going and too busy to even commit to a time by booking a reservation. I literally feel embarrassed because on the back of this thread I pushed her to make a decision as to not mess me around. But she guilt tripped me about how she hasn’t had a moment to herself due to her job, and instead of telling her to leave it, I kind of was passive and let her continue/left the door open. I don’t actually know how to backtrack out of seeing her later now. Part of me actually wants to go for the sake of seeing the restaurant and having a fabulous meal, but equally I feel like she’s walking all over me.

I actually see her taking advantage of me now.

I'd be asking another friend to dinner, or go alone. I bet you'd have far more fun in your own company!

I'd also leave the friendship on the back burner. See how long it takes her to ask to meet up with you.

Also you're not stupid. Some people take years to reveal their true selves.

If she starts up again, say you don't know what more you can do. You're all out of suggestions, she'd be best to have some sessions with a counsellor or career coach to investigate her options as she's been very unhappy in that role for quite some time and that can't be good for her long term. Then keep repeating she'd be best to see someone who could give her guidance as you can't, then change the subject.

A lot of places these days have employee counselling schemes - her workplace may have something like that available.

They're a PITA. They're not bringing joy or happiness to your life so what is the point of this 'friendship'. I'm self employed in a very rural area and earn about 5times more than my friends who work locally for local business'. They all know this but its never mentioned and its not an issue. If we go out for drinks I'll very happily order nice wine/beers for one round etc on my bill for us all and I'll pay it because I can and everyone enjoys and they are appreciative. There is NO animosity etc at all - find some new friends and sack her off.