To think that DP should smoke outside when we bring our baby home?

[whinegums]

DP went off on a rant the other night about how he wouldn't be going outside to smoke when we have our baby (due in about 4-5 weeks). He currently goes into another room when he smokes, but doesn't shut the door, and the window isn't open wide enough for the smoke to escape, so it comes through our (smallish) flat. He, like most smokers, gets really angry at being told that he can't smoke.

According to him, he has read research that says that passive smoking isn't dangerous!!!

We live in a third floor flat, so yes, it will be a PITA for him to go downstairs and outside, but hard lines. And yes, it's ok to have all the windows open at the moment, but I won't be able to do that when we have the baby (noise, cold, etc etc). We are planning to move, and I'm pretty sure if we were in a house with a garden, it wouldn't be an issue.

I have had a look online, to try and find as much research as possible to contradict this. I know that FSIDs say smoking around babies is dangerous, but I need the original research papers to back this up.

TBH, I'm more concerned about ENT problems than SID - my parents both smoked, and I had 'glue ear' when I was a kid - which meant I ended up being practically deaf for the best part of a year, it was only picked up when I started slipping behind at school, my brother had to have his tonsils removed, and in fact one of DP's other kids had to have grommets when she was younger. I'm sure this has something to do with being exposed to smoke.

You don't have to tell me how selfish and what a shit he's being btw! I know he is! But please help me to pull together as much concrete evidence as possible to try and shame him into behaving himself. He is being an ostrich - the stupid sod even has asthma himself, and reckons that he's 'fine' even though his parents smoked in the house. Gah!

I also would leave him (well, kick him out), because if he put his fags above the health of his child (which, incidentally, he is already doing by smoking inside whilst you're pregnant) then I would be doubting the relationship's validity in its entirety. I couldn't live with or love a man so selfish as that, truly.

I'm emphatically not telling the OP to leave him or kick him out, simply that to me, this is a dealbreaker. MOST babies who die of cot death have parents who smoke. This starts off talking about mothers who smoke, but expands to smoke-free zone around babies talk

suspect your dp is not waiting for the 'right' research to be put in front of him (unless he is a sceptical academic?) but just doesnt want to stop smoking inside and is being self-righteous about it, so wouldnt bother tracking down yet more phd papers. tho you could try getting him to type 'smoking baby' into NHSDirect website which comes up with some very clear information.
cna you just make sure he comes to your next antenatal appt and ask dr/midwife innocently in front of him if it is all right to smoke in the house when the baby's born as your dp isnt sure. then watch them go beserk. probably more effective.
or do you have a very fierce mother/mil who could tell him in no uncertain terms? do you have friends with kids whose dps smoke and do so outside, who could say something?
my dh is a smoker and never protested about being sent outside but i did tell him it would kill the baby....

Take him to an oncology ward with terminal lung cancer patients where the people look grey and as if they have already died, it's truly tragic.

shock tactics rarely work,though,otherwise i wouldnt still be smoking

my FIL smokes in the house,he and his dw have a 2 year old but they always smoked inside even when he was a baby,saying'it never did me any harm'.yet they were very vocal about the fact they dont like dummies and they didnt think my dd3 should have one.

It stopped my friend.... Although she was in for major surgery on her chest, so that may have been a factor!!

whinegums, in answer to your question "how do I stop him?" - the answer has to come not from anyone outside your family but from your and your Dp's relationship.

I imagine if there was an issue that was an absolute dealbreaker for my DH, that if I wanted to keep my relationship going I would try very very hard to understand the issue from his point of view and accommodate him. I think most people would, in a relationship; I'm not talking about bending to every whim of your partner's but about one, big issue that your partner just will not 'have'. And if it was something like smoking which has clear health implications particularly for vulnerable new-borns I think 99% of reasonable human beings would try to accommodate in that situation

Your DP if he refuses to change his behaviour is being so far beyond unreasonable...I would see it as a big relationship issue tbh.

WG - You are right about the risks. And there are some studies that include paternal smoking.

There has been a lot of published research on this, so what you need is a proper systemtatic review. If your DP really wants to see how robust the research about secondhand smoke and infant/child health is, he could take a look at the US Surgeon General's recent report on passive smoking (published 2006). It's pretty heavy going, but the conclusions are summarised at the end of each chapter. And it looks at all the studies to draw its conclusions, so they are very solid - he can't (with any credibility) accuse you of cherry picking statistics on this!

This section outlines the evidence on cot death - you want to look at page 180 onwards.

This section summarises the impact of secondhand smoke on infant and child health - including glue ear and asthma.

Morning all. Was dreading coming back on here this morning, but glad that misunderstandings seem to have been cleared up!! I should have probably posted this in health, because I know I'm not BU.

It is up to DP if he wants to stop smoking completely - having been through this with my father, I know there is no other way for smokers to become ex-smokers (he did give up eventually - maybe about 12 years before he died). I have told him he is risking the lives of three people; he knows this deep down too. But then says things like it's dangerous to take the baby outside (we live in a city, so heavily polluted). My view is that I can't control that - either we move or stay in - but the things we can control, like smoking indoors, we should.

Also, I have been pretty vocal about the 'advice' pregnant women are given on all sorts of things from alcohol to peanuts to cheese, and I am just as sceptical in those cases! For example, listeriosis - there have only been TWO cases of this in 'recent' history in the whole of the country, one caused by butter and one by lettuce! But we're told not to go near cheese. But yes, smoking is different, I know.

Firepile - thanks for posting the US report - I hadn't seen that. I shall be waving at him!

Whinegums, how would he feel if you smoked whilst pregnant? I can't see that it's very different.