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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DP should smoke outside when we bring our baby home?

61 replies

whinegums · 24/05/2008 19:42

DP went off on a rant the other night about how he wouldn't be going outside to smoke when we have our baby (due in about 4-5 weeks). He currently goes into another room when he smokes, but doesn't shut the door, and the window isn't open wide enough for the smoke to escape, so it comes through our (smallish) flat. He, like most smokers, gets really angry at being told that he can't smoke.

According to him, he has read research that says that passive smoking isn't dangerous!!!

We live in a third floor flat, so yes, it will be a PITA for him to go downstairs and outside, but hard lines. And yes, it's ok to have all the windows open at the moment, but I won't be able to do that when we have the baby (noise, cold, etc etc). We are planning to move, and I'm pretty sure if we were in a house with a garden, it wouldn't be an issue.

I have had a look online, to try and find as much research as possible to contradict this. I know that FSIDs say smoking around babies is dangerous, but I need the original research papers to back this up.

TBH, I'm more concerned about ENT problems than SID - my parents both smoked, and I had 'glue ear' when I was a kid - which meant I ended up being practically deaf for the best part of a year, it was only picked up when I started slipping behind at school, my brother had to have his tonsils removed, and in fact one of DP's other kids had to have grommets when she was younger. I'm sure this has something to do with being exposed to smoke.

You don't have to tell me how selfish and what a shit he's being btw! I know he is! But please help me to pull together as much concrete evidence as possible to try and shame him into behaving himself. He is being an ostrich - the stupid sod even has asthma himself, and reckons that he's 'fine' even though his parents smoked in the house. Gah!

OP posts:
spanky81 · 24/05/2008 20:58

I think trhat part of the problem with what he is saying is that we do live in a nanny state. We are constantly told how we should do everything, how we should live, really and it does feel like everything is blown out of proportion.
I can understand him wanting to defy the doom and gloomers, but it is his newborn child he needs to do it for.

spanky81 · 24/05/2008 20:59

You would really leave him pheebe?
I thiink that's a bit much

mumeeee · 24/05/2008 21:00

YANBU. Passive smoking is dangerous especially to babies and young children.

posieparker · 24/05/2008 21:05

spanky81, imagine that your baby dies of SID and your dh smokes in the house and you could have but didn't leave, would you ever forgive yourself? It's a bit like why I don't drink during pregnancy, it's not that I think a couple of drinks leads to FAS, but if anything was wrong with the baby and I had drank then I would never forgive myself.
Smoking is a strong addiction but if it can't be broken or at least changed for your child at birth when we all have deluded ideas about what wonderful parents we'll be what hope is there?

Pheebe · 24/05/2008 21:07

Yes I really would

Original poster
whinegums · 24/05/2008 21:08

Spanky, you are exactly right. He is not 'allowed' to smoke in so many places now, that he feels that he should be able to do what he wants in his own home. Added to which, statistics and research are trotted out as back up for all sorts of things, and when you actually take the time to look at it, it's often been exaggerated/wilfully misinterpreted to suit.

Pheebe, if you really would pack your bags and leave a relationship with a newborn over this, well, you're tougher than I am!

OP posts:
spanky81 · 24/05/2008 21:09

Excuse me PP, the OP asked for advice on how to get her husband to smoke outside. That's it.
I am trying to give her that advice. I don't think suggesting she leaves her husband is helpful to anyone.
Please remember that this is an internet forum where people come for advice before posting so aggresively

spanky81 · 24/05/2008 21:10

aggressively, I should say.

spanky81 · 24/05/2008 21:13

Whinegums, you have to find a way for him to feel that it his decision to smoke outside.

posieparker · 24/05/2008 21:14

I was responding to your question to Pheebe. I find it truly disgusting that any parent would smoke at all let alone in a house with a newborn baby. This is an internet forum and as such a whole plethera of views are aired. I wasn't suggesting that she should leave her dh, someone else said that they would, but if her feelings about the health of her newborn aren't respected, and he smokes in the house regardless, I would question the relationship as a whole.

SmugColditz · 24/05/2008 21:14

I picked a baby up at mother and toddlers a few weeks ago, poor little sod smelled like an ashtray.

Smokers fuckin REEK.

Children who live in houses where smokers smoke inside REEK.

Her pram stank, her clothes stank, her hair stank SHE stank.

I should imagine her lungs stank too.

posieparker · 24/05/2008 21:15

PS Nothing agressive about my post at all.

Pheebe · 24/05/2008 21:16

I didn't suggest she should leave I expressed my opinion and stated what I would leave and I wasn't aggressive in any way. Also I posted a link to sources of information that the OP said her partner had requested - how was that unhelpful

Being snippy and self righteous isn't going to help anyone

This is a public forum and quite frankly you aren't the post police so if you don't like what I'm saying don't read my posts

Pheebe · 24/05/2008 21:17

Oops, cross posts and misunderstandings abound

spanky81 · 24/05/2008 21:20

Yes, pheebe I was just about to post
PP- I found your post insensitive. OP is married to a smoker, and doesn't want to leave him. Can you see how your post may be quite provocative in here eyes?
Anyway, let's leave it at that

LuckySalem · 24/05/2008 21:21

whinegums - My DP smoked loads. He still smokes but he only smokes at work.

I made him stop by making a big deal about him smoking and leaving the house (or flat as it was then) huffing and puffing and nagging. THEN when he finished his cigarette I would come in complaining about it stinking and open ALL the windows and light a lavender jos stick (I used lavender cos he hated the smell) Eventually he got so fed up of it he started smoking outside then I started working on that, everytime he came in I told him he stunk and refused to kiss him till he'd washed his hands and brushed his teeth (imagine having to do that about once an hour)

Try stuff like that?

posieparker · 24/05/2008 21:23

It is left, am loving the misunderstanding... it always makes me smile

spanky81 · 24/05/2008 21:23

Made me laugh,too

sherby · 24/05/2008 21:25

I have to say that my DP does go outside to smoke and DD is at an age now (only 2) where she also goes out and follows him

It is a constant source of argument discussion between us

BUT I have taught her to say 'oh Daddy that smells awful'

Nursejo · 24/05/2008 21:28

As a nurse I have seen/nursed the effects Smoking has on people with Asthma.I f he doesnt see the need to give up for your babys health,he should see/speak to people with Chronic Airways problems.Has he never seen anyone with Emphysema or a Chronic Bronchitis.These people end up on oxygen,unable to eat or move without having oxygen, let alone lead some sort of "normal" life.As an Asthma suffering it is almost inevitable he will end up being like this,and usually early on,maybe in his 50's.

He is also predisposing (making your DS more likely to suffer from this)your DS to all of this.

berolina · 24/05/2008 21:29

Tbh I'm with Pheebe.

If my dh considered his comfort (in smoking inside) to be of greater importance than his child, I would be asking him to live elsewhere. Tb perfectly h I am always at a parent, any parent, particularly of young children, habitually smoking (occasional fag on a night out a different matter IMO). There is a father at our kindergarten who STINKS of it to the extent that you can smell where he has been after he's left the room MIL smokes and it is an enormous bone of contention between us. I am not prepared to take ds2 there, even though she would not smoke in the flat while we were there, because the bloody particles are everywhere anyway. And yes, I am an ex-smoker (smoked for 2 years as a student, years and years before children).

Nursejo · 24/05/2008 21:35

Asthma Sufferer!..... I cant understand why smokers who smoke in "another room" or in the garden,cant see that the smoke clings to their clothes and hair,and they are breathing it out,as soon a sthey return to where the child is,they are "infecting"their atmosphere with it!

Anyone can tell a smoker as soon as they smell their clothes etc.

I thought a Parents job was to "protect" their children as much as they are able from illnesses and infections,not cause them....

Sorry if I seem agressive,but if you had seen the things I've seen in my career,you'd be the same maybe....?

Divastrop · 24/05/2008 21:36

my xh used to smoke inside when he was alone with ds2,although i only left him with him 3 times in all.(this was when ds2 was a baby).it was one of the many reasons he became my xh when ds2 was still a baby.

you are perfectly reasonable to expect him to go outside.i am a smoker and have never smoked in the house.i realise there are still risks from smoking outside,before anyone jumps on me,but its not as bad as smoking inside forcing children to breath it in

posieparker · 24/05/2008 21:37

Diva, damn I was mid flight to jump on you!

colacubes · 24/05/2008 21:40

He's being a right childish shit, not negotiable tell him, he wants to smoke, he has to go outside. I was a serious smoker, stopped 2.5 yrs ago so not an anti fags or dont know what its like to be addicted hater, just know that and if he cant go outside or just go without, he is a proper tosser IMO.