Can someone please help/advise?

[Utterlyconfusednow]

I’m feeling desperate. If it’s not too sensitive a question, are there any ex cocaine addicts here who can/ are willing to give me advice please? Person is addicted to cocaine, has spiralled this past year and a half and has completely changed personality. It’s my adult son (43 years old), a grown man. We were close and now it’s as if he’s a stranger. I’m broken hearted. He won’t go into rehab and it all feels so utterly hopeless.

My question is can this drug make someone cruel/uncaring? I’ll be so grateful for any help please.

Would you consider attending (or reaching out) to a local NAR Anon group?

I tried a co-anon meeting (zoom) but I’m very shy, I listened but everyone was talking about their 12 steps. I’m not there yet. It’s all overwhelming. There’s no one to speak directly to (I’m better on the phone). Don’t know if that makes sense?

I need to know how cocaine changes someone really.

Am I to blame for this addiction? I’ve had mental health problems, he said I was the cause of it,

Sorry, so many questions. Losing my mind.

That’s exactly what the drug does. But sadly addicts have to find it within themselves to seek help and change. You can try to stage an intervention, beg him to get help, try and show him how he’s changed but until he sees it for himself he won’t get into recovery.

Did he have strong morals and empathy before he became addicted? Cocaine as a drug leaves an enormous trail of human destruction. People die both within the criminality/trafficking side of coke distribution and on the coca fields which are laced with mines. Are you able to inform yourself about the trade and human cost and share this with him in an attempt to get him to see sense and get help?
Many users just don’t know this fact and it’s easy to kid themselves it’s just a fun party drug and no one is getting hurt.

I have personal and work based experience in the area of addiction by the way albeit both being from many years ago.

No you are not to blame. Addicts seek to blame everyone but themselves. Yes childhood trauma is a factor for many addicts but we are all responsible for our own addiction. It’s never anyone else’s fault. Please don’t blame yourself or accept that as fact.

It makes them selfish, secretive, self interested, deceitful and boring, very very boring! They are only interested in what they have to say and where their next gram is coming from.

Iamthemoon

thank you for your replies. He’s been using it as a weekend ‘party drug’ (deserved after working all week) for years, it’s only these past 2 years that it’s completely changed him. He’s quite arrogant and explaining about the cost to other people won’t penetrate (shockingly). I asked why the change, because it’s so easily available now, 10 minutes after a call and it’s at his door, He’s a stranger, it’s awful. I miss him. I believe he will never do rehab, no humility. I’m not painting a very good picture of him it he used to be kind, thoughtful even though he could be arrogant (but maybe that was the cocaine all that time ago?). Thanks too for explaining how it can affect someone’s character. I’m guilty of taking it personally, it felt deliberate. Not sure how to be supportive but keep boundaries in place.

I hope he realises one day and gets help. But it’s not something you can force. And it’s not your fault. Sorry you’re going through this.

Thanks again iamthemoon.

I've known a few people who had coke problems. They all developed the same sort of personality - very conceited and selfish, with a massive over-inflated sense of their own importance and entitlement, lacking any understanding of other people's needs, deeply insensitive, dominating every situation with their monologues and demands.

On a positive note, the majority of these people stopped taking coke - so it can be done, and their personalities reverted to normal.

I never really saw the awful paranoia side of serious coke habits so can't advise on that. I am so sorry you are going through this and really hope your son comes out the other side.

That’s a relief RedBeech, that their personality reverts back, thanks for explaining. I can only hope he’ll get sick of living like this as your friends did. It’s not much of a life. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Hi
Specifically cocaïne has people totally self absorbed. My experience is this is while using, so when high on the drug. Morning after shame takes over when remembering all the things that were said.
Therefor what you write sounds to me that he is using it more frequently, not just on weekends. Could this be possible?
I think you best stay away until he finds you again. You are now setting yourself up as his punching bag.
It is not your fault. He will however take it up as an excuse if you accept it as your fault. Because well otherwise he only has himself to blame.
There is also a bit of good news, I think.
Cocaïne is expensive, there is no withdrawal. He needs to hit rock bottom and then face the man in the mirror.
That will be the time he will want to speak to his mother, probably to apologize.
Until then there is nothing you can do to change his habits or help him.
Best thing to do is stay away as hard as that is.
Because otherwise you might also fall into the mummy I need money trap, if he can make you feel like it's your fault there is a good chance you will. And it will prevent him from hitting rock bottom and it will ruin your life and savings.
Tough love for a while. Don't let yourself go crazy with worries. Not so many people in my experience will go on other, more physically addictive, drugs when coke users.
It is a different kind of addiction.
Keep strong and put in boundaries now.
Edited to emphasize this is mỳ experience, ofcourse other people might have different stories.
The way you describe him being before this addiction, he seems to fit into what I have experienced.

I was a fairly frequent user 40 or so years ago, OP. Cocaine was one of the reasons I moved away from London: although I wouldn't describe myself as an addict, I was taking it most days, including working days (many of us did - it was a very stressful and demanding workplace). I realised it would be very hard to stop, as all my friends did it too, so I was tempted to take it almost every time I went out.

The last time I had any was election night in 1997. Some London friends came to stay, and brought a few grammes with them. I haven't touched it since that night and, while I don't miss it, I think I'd still be tempted if an old friend from those days were to rock up with some.

I think it's very hard to knock it on the head without getting well away from the whole scene, tbh. I hate to be negative, but I think that you have to really want to stop and be prepared to change your whole lifestyle to do it. It sounds as though your son isn't at that point yet.

Hi, yes it’s recently begun seeping into his working life, the weekends are including Mondays and Tuesdays. Friday’s are finished as early as possible and he rushes home to start it. he’s withdrawn from me and it hurts terribly. Keeps promising to see me and let’s me down all the time (it was my birthday last week - nothing). I’m late 60s and struggling with my own mental health. He no longer ask for money but I am wondering where he getting it from, particularly as he’s missing work. None of this makes sense. Selfishly, I am quite obsessed with the cruelty aspect. There are personal things about me that he knows and his cruelty is quite specific which devastates me. So I go over and over it, is it the drug? Or does he hate me? It’s all so unbelievably painful. I can see no hope for my son and for our relationship now.

Thank you Swimswams.

edit. Yes I do feel like his punchbag. I know he wouldn’t talk to anyone else like this. I know how it feels to ne scapegoated and that’s another painful aspect to all this, life is really crap.

LakieLady, well done for changing your lifestyle. This drug is so unbelievably easy to access. As easy as ordering alcohol on an online shop. Just a phone call and a ten minute wait. It’s sickening,

LakieLady. In fact it’s quicker than an online shop to have this drug delivered. What world is this?

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

As with alcohol, only he can decide to go to rehab and give up the drug. He is only likely to do that when he reaches rock bottom and the bottom is far lower down than you can ever imagine (I’ve seen it in someone else).

I feel for you but what you must do is look after yourself

Would you please tell me what rock bottom looks like? I need to be prepared.edit And what do I do, how to support him without enabling? Do I just wait for him to hopefully contact me? Do I text to ask how he’s doing? I’m lost.

I’ve read about cocaethylene. Alcohol mixed with cocaine, his lifestyle isn’t healthy either apart from this, sedentary. Are people just sitting ducks with this. Sorry, so many questions.

I know it is the most hurtful awful feeling. I saw this happening to a close family member.
Maybe it helps you a little (very little) bit if you compare it to a young child, they are so comfortable with their parents (if all is well) that they only dare to act out at home. Which drives me mad (mine is young now) but it is a hidden compliment. They feel comfortable doing this because they know you'll love them whatever.
This works two ways though; you know he's comfortable enough to project all his issues on you. But now he is an adult and the issues are not the same as when he was 8 years old. These issues aren't for you to swallow anymore.
As hard as it seems to be (it is easier than it looks I promise) my advise to you would be to respond to him the very next time and be clear to him you will not stand for this, that he can clean up his act and then try again with you, but if he doesn"t your door stays closed.
And then leave the ball in his court.
No texts or phone calls at all.
He must be the first one to reach out. And in a kind an loving manner. He hurt you and you've reached your limit. You put a stop to it.
In my opinion there is nothing else you can do.
Like other posters said he needs to come to his own conclusions.
Rock bottom might be no job, very thin or even very fat, dirty house, no money, no friends, family driven away.
Maybe he'll get wiser sooner, but for that I really think you should step away.
Good luck to you, you can do this. You need to.❤️

Swimswams, thank you so much for understanding. You’re right, I do need to do this. I admit that I will often contact first, worried and panicking but it just dismisses the pain he’s caused. He doesn’t even apologise anymore.

I’ve gotten angry with him, issued ultimatums (none of which I’ve followed through with which is a poor thing to do).

I’ll start now.

You're seeing it first hand, really. This is the reality.

He needs to drive any recovery options, your job is to look after yourself now. It's brutal but you won't help someone that won't help themself.

No. He's 43. Only him is to blame even though there can be explanations like neglected/abused in childhood etc.