Can someone please help/advise?

[Utterlyconfusednow]

I’m feeling desperate. If it’s not too sensitive a question, are there any ex cocaine addicts here who can/ are willing to give me advice please? Person is addicted to cocaine, has spiralled this past year and a half and has completely changed personality. It’s my adult son (43 years old), a grown man. We were close and now it’s as if he’s a stranger. I’m broken hearted. He won’t go into rehab and it all feels so utterly hopeless.

My question is can this drug make someone cruel/uncaring? I’ll be so grateful for any help please.

Yes, I was just wondering if there was anything else, more personal, behind the behaviour.

but you’re right Gold duster, all of you are and I’m really grateful for all your replies.
Today is the first day….

Addiction and substance abuse is a really nuanced area that requires professional help, and sometimes that's not enough. There's no one answer as to why he's doing it, or why he's behaving as he is but there is only one way for you to deal with it, and that's at arms length or you'll go down with him.

I would probably do the exact same thing, if I had not have had a close-up example to learn from.
Be proud of yourself that you've asked for others' experiences and that you're learning from it.
You are taking the right steps.

Cocaine is the devil, I used to take it, about 20 years ago now and managed to stop thankfully, as someone said in a documentary recently, it’s easier to get a gram of coke than a doctor’s appointment, it’s everywhere, really feel for you OP, there’s some great advice on this thread and hope your son sees the light and takes his finger off the self-destruct button

Well done you for being strong enough to stop. It really is the devil. I’ll never stop hoping but he’s no where near to taking this seriously., that arrogance overrides everything. This thread has helped so much, I was in pieces when I started it but feeling so determined now. Thank you.

❤️. I’ve realised I have to change my expectations. If he says he’s coming to see me I just won’t expect him to keep his word. And no more advice to him from me. I’ve never withdrawn from him before but I am doing now, gradually.

I’ll quietly hope from now on.

Just wanted to update here. Have spoken to him today after weird behaviour again. I asked how much he was taking and he said 3 and a half grams (I assume that is over a weekend and honestly have no idea if he’s using midweek). Is that a lot? His short term memory is shot.

And he speaks as if this is a fait accompli. He has no choice. It’s devastating.

Hello @Utterlyconfusednow
Thank you for updating.
A gram per night is not unusual. I would have to guess it is around 50 a gram too in the UK. If he doesn"t have access to moviestar like funds, he will run out of money quickly.
Hold strong remember to not pay any bills for him.
Knowing how much he uses doesn"t change anything.

I asked about money, he said he had £8.00 left and it was only Tuesday. The only thing I can do is not give him money, anything else I’m completely floundering. There’s nothing I can do to help. I think he was on it while we were talking, he was saying some strange stuff. He’s my only child, I love him and miss him terribly. Thank you, you’ve been very kind.

I can't add much to the excellent advice from other posters, but I wanted to say that your story is heartbreaking. I have two addict relatives who are never going to stop until it kills them. There's nothing I can do as they refuse to get help. So I've had no choice but to put more distance between us because it's traumatic to see what they've done to themselves. One of them is verbally abusive and extremely manipulative as well. You have to protect your own mental health. To use the old analogy about the oxygen mask, you have to put yours on first to be able to help him put his on should he ever decide to quit. I hope he does. ❤️

@MuckFusk Bless you, thank you.

@Utterlyconfusednow
The love for your son stands out, I can easily tell you're a great mum. This must be the hardest thing you had to do in your life. Standing idly by whilst a horrible desease is knibling at your child, taking parts of him away.
Please know he can get it all back. When he knows he cant manipulate even you anymore (it is the addiction that does this), your son will have to find a solution.
By the sound of it you have raised him well. This will mean something, he might slay this dragon sooner than later.

What helped us greatly was separating the disease from the person. It was the disease that tried to take over our family member. It was what talked so mean, said horrible things, we wanted it gone and it didn't want to leave so it fought us like a cruel monster with everything it got.
You will see that it's not an analogy, it is exactly what this disease is and does.

I keep re-reading your words Swimswans. They’re a source of understanding and strength, I’m very grateful. ❤️

Ps, his birthday is coming up. I got him some amazon vouchers in small denominations so he won’t able to sell them on. What to buy someone who’s given up on life.

During our exchange yesterday and today, I’ve told him I will have to change my number if he continues to contact me and hurt me. He agreed.

Is this normal? Am I being a horrible person? I asked him if me being in his life was doing him more harm than good. Completely at a loss. Sorry for asking so many questions. He said it’s fair I would do this and he loves me too.

Would it be the best for me to just leave his life? It feels like he wants me to to be honest, that’s what I’m getting.

I feel completely responsible for all of this now,

Here's a link to Adfam

You're not responsible for fixing this, your distress is understandable, they will help you out.

Cocaine makes you incredibly selfish and bombastic and saying it's your fault he's an addict is nonsense.

He needs to want to get clean first and foremost. Obviously NA is free, they run groups multiple times a day. But he needs to get his arse into the room and listen. Then in time hopefully speak.

He should speak to his GP as well, who'll probably refer him to the drug service.

I hope he gets better but it really is his own willpower and taking each day at a time.

You should take a bit of a step back until he's making an attempt to get better.

I’ve just filled in the form for paid help. Thank you for this.

It’s sinking in that it not a good idea to be honest with an accomplished liar and it kills me to say that because a massive part of me tells me I’m wrong and the other little bit tells me I’m right. My head is screwed. I think I’m very unwell with all this.

Dear @Utterlyconfusednow
He loves you, he is still in there and sometimes will get a word in.
Passive agressively agreeing with what you are proposing is also a way of manipulating you. It makes you feel terrible and doubting yourself. And you might fall back in the trap.
Its a minefield.
Its brilliant advice you got with the adfam link, and you immediately asked for their help, thats very very well done.

You’re right regarding the manipulation. He did a U-turn later with a completely opposite view. Now he wants me to give him another chance and he’s sorry. Whenever I mention how cruel he’s been, he blames it on the drugs but I’ve told him they’re a choice and so is being cruel. I blame myself for that though because I should just have retreated quietly. I’m trying to work on my reactions, trying to control the overwhelm. Hopefully Adfam can give advice on that.

Thanks Swimswans.

Also, yes it is a minefield. Realising the nuances of manipulation is so difficult to navigate.

Hi @Utterlyconfusednow
How have you been? I hope you can already see some little rays of sunshine at the end of this tunnel and are getting help with your situation.
Sending you some love❤

I had a friend who took cocaine. Their personality changed. Everything that happened in yheir life was somebody elses fault. They became a self centred arrogant liar who cared for nobody but themselves. Unfortunately they were not aware of the horrible person they had become. Friends started to avoid them (including me). They eventually moved to another city and I was glad.