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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FWB asking if I pulled

42 replies

Katysafairy · 29/06/2025 14:40

Soo long story…will try and make it shorter

Ive been friends with benefits with a guy for 8 months. Hes great, we get on great, sex is great. We both understood the arrangement as it stands but had never discussed if we exclusively are just each others FWB and whether we were seeing other people ever (we use condoms when we have sex so stis not at issue) We text every single day just for context.

There’s been things between us very occasionally that does make me think maybe there are feelings there (maybe a tiny bit) from both of us but I think we are both happy with this arrangement.

A couple of months ago I casually asked him if he was doing this with anyone else via text (I have autism and sometimes I say things without meaning and without thinking.) He got annoyed with me for asking and said it wasn’t something he would ever ask me as it shouldn’t be either of our business as we aren’t a couple. And then just refused to answer the question. To be fair I kind of understood that and as we have protected sex it shouldn’t be eachothers business and I apologised for asking and we never bought it up again.

This weekend I’ve been away for a friends birthday just a ladies weekend, where we booked hotels etc so we didn’t have to worry about getting back. Had a great weekend and today I got a message from him asking if I got with anyone while we were clubbing or if I took someone back to hotel at all!!

Am I being unreasonable that I’m actually annoyed about this question considering how he responded when and I asked a similar topic question….. I want to refuse to answer. The truth is no I haven’t and also I haven’t been sleeping with anyone or talking to anyone since we started FWBing.

Why would he ask this? I’m quite confused!

OP posts:
Mentalsandwich · 29/06/2025 14:44

He had no right at all to ask this considering when you asked a similar thing he got defensive and you ended up apologising. I would give him the same answer he gave you, that as your not dating and no exclusive you don't need to answer. I'd be interested in his reaction. Good luck

Spirallingdownwards · 29/06/2025 14:46

I think if he used those words he was joking rather than really asking whether you have pulled!. I think he treats you as a FWB but you do see him as a partner. I am not sure FWB works for you.

Motomum23 · 29/06/2025 14:48

I'd Copy and paste his exact reply to your question back at him.

Original poster
Katysafairy · 29/06/2025 14:49

Mentalsandwich · 29/06/2025 14:44

He had no right at all to ask this considering when you asked a similar thing he got defensive and you ended up apologising. I would give him the same answer he gave you, that as your not dating and no exclusive you don't need to answer. I'd be interested in his reaction. Good luck

His exact message was “what were you doing until 4am then? Did you pull? Did you take a guy back to your room? xxxx”

OP posts:
Original poster
Katysafairy · 29/06/2025 14:50

Motomum23 · 29/06/2025 14:48

I'd Copy and paste his exact reply to your question back at him.

Love this and it was my first thought to just screen shot it to him lol.

OP posts:
TiredOTUS · 29/06/2025 14:51

Motomum23 · 29/06/2025 14:48

I'd Copy and paste his exact reply to your question back at him.

This exactly. Also, I wouldn’t have liked how he handled the situation previously. You might not be a couple but if you’re sleeping together, then imo you ought to be able to have a conversation about how the situation is working.

Original poster
Katysafairy · 29/06/2025 14:52

Mentalsandwich · 29/06/2025 14:44

He had no right at all to ask this considering when you asked a similar thing he got defensive and you ended up apologising. I would give him the same answer he gave you, that as your not dating and no exclusive you don't need to answer. I'd be interested in his reaction. Good luck

Thank you, I feel this way too. It’s really annoyed me considering his reaction. And I ended up agreeing with him that I shouldn’t have asked so I don’t know why he’s now asking 🙈

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/06/2025 14:58

I’d reply and say I thought those questions were off bounds.

HealingBowl · 29/06/2025 15:01

I think you're too emotionally involved for FWB tbh - texting every day and maybe feeling a bit resentful about him possibly seeing others?

Do you want him to be jealous? Is there a part of you that wouldn't mind if he asked to date seriously? Whose idea was FWB?

I'd think about pulling back on this. Either that or stop giving each other daily updates on your life and social life.

onehorserace · 29/06/2025 15:03

He wants to have the upper hand and be your only one while he refuses to talk about his activity. Have experienced this.

LoudSnoringDog · 29/06/2025 15:05

As previous posters have said. Send him a screenshot of his own message

HealingBowl · 29/06/2025 15:06

onehorserace · 29/06/2025 15:03

He wants to have the upper hand and be your only one while he refuses to talk about his activity. Have experienced this.

This too.

8 months of messaging every day and not talking to others is a long time!

I think he knows that you've essentially been fully available for him - even if you haven't said so, if you're messaging every single day that means he knows your schedule and that you can't be on a date with someone else!

Why aren't you putting feelers out to meet new men?

TwigletsAndRadishes · 29/06/2025 15:10

Why would he ask this? I’m quite confused!

He asked because you asked. Either he sees that the arrangement may be moving in the direction of a relationship with slightly different parameters, or he's just asking to prove a point. You asked, so he'll ask.

If I were you I think I'd respond with:

'You told me that this was an inappropriate question as we are not a couple and it's none of my business, so right back at ya. 😘

Redpeach · 29/06/2025 15:19

I couldn't be doing with this kind of set up, its not fwb really is it?

GreyCarpet · 29/06/2025 15:19

HealingBowl · 29/06/2025 15:01

I think you're too emotionally involved for FWB tbh - texting every day and maybe feeling a bit resentful about him possibly seeing others?

Do you want him to be jealous? Is there a part of you that wouldn't mind if he asked to date seriously? Whose idea was FWB?

I'd think about pulling back on this. Either that or stop giving each other daily updates on your life and social life.

But friends do text each other and discuss their daily lives.

I've had fwbs and we were friends first and foremost and, in all cases, the friendship remained once the sex stopped.

OP, the reason he has said it is because many men want the woman to be exclusive but don't want to be exclusive themselves.

This isn't necessarily because they have feelings for their fwb but because they don't want to worry about how they compare. Or want to feel like they are enough. It's all tied up in their ego.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/06/2025 15:20

I think you both need to have this conversation in a sensible, grown up way in person - rather than via text or just mimicking back at him what he told you in a tit for tat way. If you’re having sex with somebody you have to be able to talk about sex with them. You both need to establish what you’re really expecting from this arrangement and whether it’s going to continue to work for you both on the basis of a) seeing other people and b) whether you’re open with each other when you do or agree that you’d each prefer to not discuss it.

Hotelmotelholidayinnnnnn · 29/06/2025 15:22

He’s asking because he’s jealous IMO. I would do what others have said and paste him his own reply and don’t answer the question as it will complicate the situation

Newname25 · 29/06/2025 15:23

Agree with the others to screenshot his response

Slimagain · 29/06/2025 15:28

Is there some honest to God reason why you can’t be a couple ? All this sounds so ridiculous. He obviously likes you and you like him. You have been shagging for 8 months but more importantly - text everyday .. if you actually want a proper relationship then don’t settle for what he is offerering and the same goes for him.. one of you has to have the courage to say … I want more .. and if the other doesn’t then find someone else . FWB is just a nonsense… it’s ’you can sleep with me but you’re not good enough to have a relationship with…’ (you to him and him to you ) .. it’s just fucking weird and in all the times I’ve heard about it - it’s ALWAYS been the woman who would like more but is willing to take the crumbs .. then again I’m old . So what do I know ?

DrowningInSyrup · 29/06/2025 15:31

Either have a fuck buddy or a boyfriend. FWB is so confusing. It just sounds like you're in a relationship, but he can sleep with whoever he wants. Not sure why anyone would be OK with this. Don't waste your time, it's never going to develop into a relationship, free yourself up for someone to come along who loves you.

Original poster
Katysafairy · 29/06/2025 15:47

HealingBowl · 29/06/2025 15:01

I think you're too emotionally involved for FWB tbh - texting every day and maybe feeling a bit resentful about him possibly seeing others?

Do you want him to be jealous? Is there a part of you that wouldn't mind if he asked to date seriously? Whose idea was FWB?

I'd think about pulling back on this. Either that or stop giving each other daily updates on your life and social life.

TBH I have always thought we would maybe end up in a relationship but actually when he got weird with me about asking if he was doing this with others I thought he’s probably seeing others and it doesn’t bother me. I know the arrangement and that’s fine, it works for me and I have a lot going on to focus on an actual relationship. So this situation suits me fine.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/06/2025 16:03

I agree with others about sending his reply back to him. FWB is not something that’s supposed to be exclusive though, otherwise you’d be dating surely.

Bobbie12345678 · 29/06/2025 16:20

On a side note… don’t be too confident you are safe because you use condoms. Genital warts and genitalia herpes are transferred skin to skin. Often from skin that isn’t covered by a condom. Personally I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who might be having multiple other partners at the same time (and probably does given that he disliked being asked).

HealingBowl · 29/06/2025 16:21

Katysafairy · 29/06/2025 15:47

TBH I have always thought we would maybe end up in a relationship but actually when he got weird with me about asking if he was doing this with others I thought he’s probably seeing others and it doesn’t bother me. I know the arrangement and that’s fine, it works for me and I have a lot going on to focus on an actual relationship. So this situation suits me fine.

Show quote history

It's the opportunity cost really.

Even if you're not desperate for a relationship (and with autism maybe you prefer a more detached style?) you do have time for one if you have time to see this guy regularly and message him every day.

You see him as good enough to be your boyfriend I take it?

I saw once on another post a good observation.

If you have.a good FWB then you often don't want to swap the "guaranteed good sex date" with someone unknown online or someone you don't know. You want the emotional certainty.

However, this then ties up your energy as you won't take the risk of meeting anyone new. And if he's dating others he'll drop you fast if he starts a relationship.

If you went on 1 online date and 1 new mixed social event every month for 2 years, over time you'd meet someone you liked as much who also wanted a relationship. Even if it was a bit shit at times meeting new people.

gottabereallyhonest · 29/06/2025 16:41

TwigletsAndRadishes · 29/06/2025 15:10

Why would he ask this? I’m quite confused!

He asked because you asked. Either he sees that the arrangement may be moving in the direction of a relationship with slightly different parameters, or he's just asking to prove a point. You asked, so he'll ask.

If I were you I think I'd respond with:

'You told me that this was an inappropriate question as we are not a couple and it's none of my business, so right back at ya. 😘

he's just asking to prove a point. You asked, so he'll ask.

Exactly this. I cannot believe how many people, including the OP, are blind to this.

If she hadn't asked, he probably wouldn't be either. He wants her to realise what it feels like, although on Mumsnet God help any man who tries to demonstrate to a woman how she pissed him off. I mean, it's a woman's right to do that, obvs.