AIBU to stay in this marriage until I am secure financially

[Biyobio]

DH and I have been married 6yrs and have 2 small DC.

DH has a very different perception of me to the point where I just don't recognise the person he thinks I am. No matter how I address it with him I cant understand why he thinks that of me.

Today I've found some notes to himself reflecting on some big arguments we have had and just things he has jotted down and Im in disbelief and confused on how he has interpreted them. I know I shouldnt have read it and I didnt go looking for it. If I wasn't the person he was talking about I would be saying what a horrible person she is. But it's not how things happened.

Some examples:

1. 'I'm a messy person' - the mess he refers to is the usual lived in house with young kids. Yes there's toys about but thats because the play with it and it gets reset at the end of play/end of day. Yes there's dishes in the sink but thats because I've cooked and fed the kids. He washes his 1 spoon, 1 cup, 1 plate etc where as Im left with my dishes, the kids and what Ive used to cook. Ive pointed this out to him and his response is do it as you go along. If he feeds the kids he'll wash up what he used for them but again there's still more left for me.

1. 'I break things' - in my whole life, Ive only ever broken something in anger once and I was ashamed of myself. It came after an argument with him where I just had enough - I was pregnant, sick with food poisoning and struggled to make my food. The argument was about my DS standing too close to the TV - he twisted things and I slammed my dinner plate on the table which made it break.

1. 'I compare him to other men' - In a conversation I said to him I feel he wasn't truthful when we were getting to know each other. If he just honest with the person he wanted ( SAHM) rather than making it out he was all for equal partnership and career focused we could have gone our separate ways. Instead I feel he wasn't honest but slowly his preference showed over the past few years. I said so and so were honest with each other and agreed the mum to be sahm. That is the only time Ive compared him and it wasn't even to the guy per se but as the couple.

1. 'I argue in front of the kids' - he has a habit of gouding me and I let it slide and slide until I snap. He doesn't raise his voice so I come across as the unhinged one. When I caught on I stopped responding and would come back to the issue when the kids were in bed. Then he would focus on my tone, my words and tell me to calm down without addressing the actual issue.

Recently there was an incident where my dd had an accident - it happened right in front of me. We were having such a wonderful day and really was unfortunate as she tripped over herself whilst running. I get really anxious when the kids get hurt and seeing blood I was trying hard to not hyperventilate.

I called dh after speaking to 111 clearly visibly upset. I couldn't wait for him to come so said I'll take her to a&e as most likely we would have to wait hours. I called my sister who lives close by to watch ds. I don't drive so had to take taxi and in the midst of worry and sorting dd before I knew it it was 7pm when I got a call from him. At this point we were discharged and was already making our way home.

My sister sorted ds and left when I arrived. I said to dh I thought you would have left work early (his work would've understood) as I would've done if I got a call to say dd had an accident. He switched it on me to say I should've watched her better. It's like I got a punch to the gut. I was already in bits but one thing thats undeniable is how good of a mum I am. He said it to intentionally hurt me. I lost it said for him to get out, I was done etc. I was holding dd and I know I shouldn't have said that in front of her (she's 1.5yr so didnt understand but would've picked up on my anger). He was like don't shout, take her to bed, let her sleep etc which just makes me a bad person even though he just had hurt me intentionally.

There's so many more examples but the crux is it could take 1 comment from me for him to generalise thats how I am without him even taking the situation/conversation into context.

The compare to other men he told my mum that who told me. I was flabbergasted and had to go to him and ask for example to just be shocked it was what I put in point 3. How he relayed it to my mum sounded like I regularly compare him to other men.Sorry for the long post.

To the AIBU - am I BU to stay knowing how he is but also that my kids get a better quality of life. I know if I left I wouldn't be able to maintain the standard of living they have. Which fills me with guilt as I grew up poor and it was whats spurred me to pursue the career I have, owning our home. They are also besotted with him.

There's part of me that thinks I should suck it up or play nice so I can build a saving (mine got wiped when we bought our house), learn to drive and just generally put myself in a better position. I could get myself financially strong so I dont lose the house. This could take a few years. I know in my hearts of hearts that this marriage won't last but he won't call it quits so it'll just depend on when Ive had enough.

Would you be happy if your kids were in this relationship? You are teaching your children this is okay.

I do worry that years to get yourself in a better situation would work if the relationship was dead jn yhe water but respectful. This relationship isn't kind, I would suggest therapy to work through your feelings and thoughts about it. The relationship isn't healthy, it doesn't seem like you are respected... some of it shows signs of emotional abuse.

The list- where was it? Did he leave it lying around for you to find? Sounds like an interesting tactic!

I understand waiting around for a bit, but i wouldn't be waiting years. It'll never be the perfect time to leave. And if he continues to grind you down as he currently seems to be doing, will you have the strength or confidence ro leave?

Im really torn on this one. I dont like how he only washes up his stuff, thats beyond pathetic.

But if you aren't working, why cant you clear stuff up as you go? Why did you call him at work when you had 111 and your sister to help you out with your DD tripping? Why did you "let him" steer you into being a SAHM, why didn't you just do what you wanted to do? You shouldn't have broken that plate, irrespective of the circumstances, and no its not good to be threatening to leave right in front of your daughter.

I dont want to sound too harsh, but considering we are only hearing your side of the story, it doesn't sound great, and what you're suggesting is a bit underhand IMO.

He sounds like a prick

but if you’re married all your assets are joint - so whatever you save will be half his in any case - and half the house is yours.

focus on your career - get yourself set up in terms of earning and then get rid of him.

in the meantime don’t do his washing

It is very underhand.

OP, just leave. They you can both move on and have happier lives.

@Jigaliga sorry I wasn't clear - I do work full time. Over the years I have come to see he wants a sahm which is why in a conversation I said you should've been honest about the partner you want as I was clear my career is important and made the comparison to the couple.

The day of the accident was when I was off work. My sister came over to help and she suggested she would come. I was expecting DH to do what she did tbh.,

I am also the higher earner and was upfront about my job when we met. He said all the right things and after we got married he basically said he doesn't care about my job so never asks me anything ever.

About it being underhand I understand and dont like it but at the same time its like it'll be a win for him if we separate and I fall apart because I dont have things not ready

If you have a smart plan that doesn't involve languishing in the marriage for eternity (i.e. making excuses to drag it out eternally because of fear), then YANBU at all.

Personally i'd stay and make a plan and probably give myself 2 years max. When youngest hits 3 is prob a good time in the sense the kids are a lot easoer and there's a lot less strain.

1.Book driving lessons now. Today.

Ideally do some kind of crash course and then get driving regularly once you pass. Aim to do this as a priority. Insist on your own car once you pass (This will then be yours when you split)

2.Make a financial plan. Have a goal amount and go when you hit it.

Read up on here there is good advice (buying kids clothes in sale in next sizes up - stocking up on washing detergent and expensive things like that.

Make sure all costs go into the joint and and you are not subsidising anything child related.
At this age they dont need fancy shit - bubbles in the park and a picnic is as good as a £100 trip to the zoo

Cut back and also find ops to add cash to savings. eg do a £20 cashback when you do the food shop etc.

1. Get your job / career in a good place now

Plan effectively now and make the time worth it.

Ps he sounds like a loon and all these men who have started "writing notes" do it imo so they are found and read. Its pathetic and also exposes how delusional he is

I see, sorry for misunderstanding. That isnt fair of him to shift his requirements, having initially been supportive of you having a career, I agree.

But if you're the higher earner, why not just leave now? You won't have the exact same standard of living you have now, but objectively, would it be doable?

The list was in a notebook ds was drawing in. Dh gave it to him and Ive seen him draw in it multiple times. I dont know what made me flick through it today.

I think there’s a danger that the longer you stay, the more he will grind you down and destroy your confidence. In particular do you feel ok about continuing a sexual relationship given you no longer love (or even like) him? Or would you just stop sleeping with him?

Also if your kids are very young it may be better to leave now - they will be upset/confused at first, but will adapt quickly and then they will just grow up being used to you being apart. It’s likely to be worse if they see you split when they are older.

In terms of finances, remember he will have to pay child support (assuming you think you’ll have main custody? Or is he likely to want 50/50). Might be worth looking at your finances in detail to see how much worse off you would be without his salary as it may be more doable than you think.

If you don't work why don't you do a bit more housework so the place isn't so messy. It does sound like a very minor accident to your DD and you panicked. From what I've read here you're the difficult one not your DH. Go back to your career and then decide whether or not you stay in your marriage.

@Lafufufu thank you that's good advise.

Op does work and is the higher earner, and also has to do the majority of the chores by the sound of it because he wanted a SAHM.

@Viviennemary you might not have seen my reply above and I should've put in the post. I work full time and have an established career. To add aswell I do the majority childcare on top and carry the mental load.

OP , he sounds like a complete prick. Firstly, see if you can get a fairer division of the housework. Only a selfish twat would wash their own dishes and ignore the rest of the family.

If you put your savings into the house, then you should get that money back when you sell the house.

Only you know how long you can put up with this.

Learn to drive. That's number one priority.

Given the backlog in booking tests it could take you the best part of a year to pass, so on your day off next week apply for your provisional licence and phone round local instructors. Automatic will probably be quicker to pass, unless your DH drives a manual & would be willing to take you out in it.

Once you've passed, get your ducks in a row about leaving. He sounds like an arsehole and things won't improve tbh.

Oh, no. Leave. He’s winding you up to respond in front of the children and will always paint you to be the unreasonable one. You’ll spend your time fighting your feelings, trying to prove yourself and being resentful of his behaviour. You can’t win. You’ll be surprised how much more energy and joy your life has away from him, too - much more love and less stress being passed onto the children.

I stayed until my children were 5 and 7 - which worked out as a good age to make the change - and life is so much better now but I do regret the stuff my 7 year old had to go through when I was strained and miserable.

Oh good lord you even earn more than him - fuck him off now and enjoy a wonderful empowered life without this dick

Leave him and actually enjoy your life, you are wasting it with him

I agree, start building a stash of cash and get your sister to look after it. See if you can get advice from a divorce solicitor on the best way forward for you to get into the best position. He's trying to drive you crazy because it gives him pleasure. Meanwhile don't bother trying to prove yourself right and agree with every insane thing he says.

I think the cost of staying is far more than financial.

He's abusive...you'll become a shadow of yourself if you aren't already another impact on your kids too with be more evident the longer you remain.

I start planning now and be out by end of year latest.

See if you can do your driving lessons in your lunch hour from work. Keep your provisional licence elsewhere. He'll sense that you're preparing to leave otherwise.

You need a proper plan. Spreadsheet it up. All assets are joint including pensions. How would a split work? Could one of you afford to buy the other out? How would you manage childcare?
be forensic. It took me two years but I’m nearly there.

Sorry I misread your post. I thought it said you were an SAHM. I apologise. In that case no need to put up with any more

some people seem to be answering should you leave at all, rather than what you're actually asking which is should you leave right now. While I agree that carrying on living with someone when you're unhappy in the relationship can get you down, and being free can sometimes be worth a financial dip, it's easy to say money doesn't matter when you're in a comfortable position.

Being in a secure a financial position as possible is important. Plus stuff like driving - if you broke up and you had primary custody suddenly it will be a million times harder to try and schedule driving lessons, it would absolutely be much better to try and pass beforehand.

I think as long as you're actively planning to leave then staying for a few months, to 2 years or so at max while you get your ducks in a rown, won't be as much of an issue emotionally - you can 'check out' so to speak. If you've decided this won't be the rest of your life and there's light at the end of the tunnel, then it's a lot easier to ignore the things he does that would otherwise grind you down.