AIBU to stay in this marriage until I am secure financially

[Biyobio]

DH and I have been married 6yrs and have 2 small DC.

DH has a very different perception of me to the point where I just don't recognise the person he thinks I am. No matter how I address it with him I cant understand why he thinks that of me.

Today I've found some notes to himself reflecting on some big arguments we have had and just things he has jotted down and Im in disbelief and confused on how he has interpreted them. I know I shouldnt have read it and I didnt go looking for it. If I wasn't the person he was talking about I would be saying what a horrible person she is. But it's not how things happened.

Some examples:

1. 'I'm a messy person' - the mess he refers to is the usual lived in house with young kids. Yes there's toys about but thats because the play with it and it gets reset at the end of play/end of day. Yes there's dishes in the sink but thats because I've cooked and fed the kids. He washes his 1 spoon, 1 cup, 1 plate etc where as Im left with my dishes, the kids and what Ive used to cook. Ive pointed this out to him and his response is do it as you go along. If he feeds the kids he'll wash up what he used for them but again there's still more left for me.

1. 'I break things' - in my whole life, Ive only ever broken something in anger once and I was ashamed of myself. It came after an argument with him where I just had enough - I was pregnant, sick with food poisoning and struggled to make my food. The argument was about my DS standing too close to the TV - he twisted things and I slammed my dinner plate on the table which made it break.

1. 'I compare him to other men' - In a conversation I said to him I feel he wasn't truthful when we were getting to know each other. If he just honest with the person he wanted ( SAHM) rather than making it out he was all for equal partnership and career focused we could have gone our separate ways. Instead I feel he wasn't honest but slowly his preference showed over the past few years. I said so and so were honest with each other and agreed the mum to be sahm. That is the only time Ive compared him and it wasn't even to the guy per se but as the couple.

1. 'I argue in front of the kids' - he has a habit of gouding me and I let it slide and slide until I snap. He doesn't raise his voice so I come across as the unhinged one. When I caught on I stopped responding and would come back to the issue when the kids were in bed. Then he would focus on my tone, my words and tell me to calm down without addressing the actual issue.

Recently there was an incident where my dd had an accident - it happened right in front of me. We were having such a wonderful day and really was unfortunate as she tripped over herself whilst running. I get really anxious when the kids get hurt and seeing blood I was trying hard to not hyperventilate.

I called dh after speaking to 111 clearly visibly upset. I couldn't wait for him to come so said I'll take her to a&e as most likely we would have to wait hours. I called my sister who lives close by to watch ds. I don't drive so had to take taxi and in the midst of worry and sorting dd before I knew it it was 7pm when I got a call from him. At this point we were discharged and was already making our way home.

My sister sorted ds and left when I arrived. I said to dh I thought you would have left work early (his work would've understood) as I would've done if I got a call to say dd had an accident. He switched it on me to say I should've watched her better. It's like I got a punch to the gut. I was already in bits but one thing thats undeniable is how good of a mum I am. He said it to intentionally hurt me. I lost it said for him to get out, I was done etc. I was holding dd and I know I shouldn't have said that in front of her (she's 1.5yr so didnt understand but would've picked up on my anger). He was like don't shout, take her to bed, let her sleep etc which just makes me a bad person even though he just had hurt me intentionally.

There's so many more examples but the crux is it could take 1 comment from me for him to generalise thats how I am without him even taking the situation/conversation into context.

The compare to other men he told my mum that who told me. I was flabbergasted and had to go to him and ask for example to just be shocked it was what I put in point 3. How he relayed it to my mum sounded like I regularly compare him to other men.Sorry for the long post.

To the AIBU - am I BU to stay knowing how he is but also that my kids get a better quality of life. I know if I left I wouldn't be able to maintain the standard of living they have. Which fills me with guilt as I grew up poor and it was whats spurred me to pursue the career I have, owning our home. They are also besotted with him.

There's part of me that thinks I should suck it up or play nice so I can build a saving (mine got wiped when we bought our house), learn to drive and just generally put myself in a better position. I could get myself financially strong so I dont lose the house. This could take a few years. I know in my hearts of hearts that this marriage won't last but he won't call it quits so it'll just depend on when Ive had enough.

If you are the higher earner then just leave. You have a different take on things to your husband. Snooping is never a good sign in a relationship , you don't live or respect each other so what's the point of dragging it out?

I don’t quite understand what you are waiting for? You have a secure career, good income and already do the majority of everything at home and for the kids. You have no business staying with that miserable fucker. Get out before you have earned more money that you need to share with him.

So you won't be worse off if you leave him. He sounds useless to me. I think you would be better of alone with your DC. Don't forget to claim CMS because he will never want 50/50 and if he says he wants that make sure it's written and sealed or he will just say so not to pay for his kids and then leave you to it. Ask your sister for support, she seems lovely.

Leave now. You are the higher earner, the longer you leave it the more of your assets are likely to go to him in a split. Aside from that, this sounds like a shit marriage and I would get the hell out and live your life. Honestly, don't wait.

I dont think learning to drive is a reason to cling on for another indefinite period of time.
Just move to a town where you won't need a car and learn at your own pace.

What do you absolutely need to have in place before you leave? Start now looking at childcare options that will enable you to keep working, save aggressively and given how long it can take to book a driving test don’t make that a condition of leaving unless it’s absolutely necessary. I’d not be thinking years, I’d be looking at 6 months or so because the longer you stay the more he’ll wear you down, sabotage your career etc. Getting into a good position is important where you can but living life free from abuse is more important because the impact of abuse will undermine every effort you make.

Think things through, take your time, you want to get this right: your children and you will benefit if you carefully decide how, when and what are the priorities.

I agree with other posters who say give yourself 2 years max. Don't let his behaviour him push you, follow your own plan and pace. You'll be glad that you did.

@Jellycatspyjamas agree with everything but the saving. That she would have to share with her H if they divorce. Instead, maybe buy a block of 20 driving lessons or something else that you know you will need in the early days after divorce.

I actually think its a pretty good reason.

It's expensive and instructors re hard to find and have v limited avail she may well need to pay for lessons AND childcare and it all becomes a bit of a joke price wise.

@Biyobio I'd really strongly recommend looking into learning in an automatic and doing it as a one week crash course type thing - its normally a week and you do your test at the end... its precooked for you which skips the 6th circle of hell which is booking a driving test.

My dh found a place that did this about 30mins from us and learned that way

Be careful re the poster who said you’d get the money you put into the house from your savings back. If you are based in the UK that isn’t the way it works. Similarly if you save from your salary into a savings account in your name that is still a shared assets that needs splitting when you divorce. I recommend that you get some advice from a solicitor asap.

Actually you’re completely right re savings - and as an alternative driving lessons would be a good investment in that she won’t need to fund them later.

Exactly this unless you have a deed of trust in place for money that went into the house, and even then the judge can discount it in divorce proceedings. Savings likely to be split half and half unless you can prove you need more to house the kids. VERY dodgy to ask someone else to squirrel money for you. If you get caught a judge will not look favourably on this at all.

Just to clarify, I said that when the house is sold, she should get her money back because hopefully it is not in negative equity and they would each walk away with something if it was sold.

This would of course be subject to ownership and deeds etc and ultimately whatever they agree on when divorcing. Hopefully it is at least owned 50/50 or jointly. If not then of course things would be different. Hopefully OP didn't just hand her savings over and let the house be put into his name only. Even then MN always says it is still a marital asset.

Obviously anyone considering a divorce should see a solicitor and not depend on the ramblings of Mumsnet. Every divorce case is different.

This is the sensible way to do it. OP your DH is gaslighting you. Try to think of yourself - play 'grey rock' when he starts with his crap. Try and get a network of really really good friends. Rant to someone if you can it will help you get through. He sounds like a right jerk.

Sorry I misunderstood & thought you meant she’d get it all back.

I still think this is fucked up.

Getting your ducks in a row to pull a surprise checkout makes sense when your partner is abusive or you're financially vulnerable.

But I think if a high earner man came on here to suggest faking a relationship for a year or two while he got his drivers license, the consensus would be: WTF?

I did it.

My ex husband was emotionally abusive, undermined me and ridiculed me in front of my son.

I realised my marriage was over in 2020 but even as the higher earner, my job could not be done by me as a single parent due to no childcare during my unsociable shift times.

I needed a job with more flexibility so I got my head down and over the course of 2 years I worked on my skills development and finally got the job that ticked all the boxes. Once I had my two years service under my belt and arranged my compressed hours work schedule, I was able to pull the plug.

Those 4 years I was hanging on by my fingertips and although it sounds mercenary now, I was still hoping he would change and be a better man.

Unfortunately I still had to maintain having sex with him. Considering for the last 7 years, I had to have sex with him otherwise he would treat me even worse, silent treatment, toxic atmosphere the whole shebang, it didn’t feel any different. I treated it like the ironing, something that had to be done every week otherwise my life would be torture.

Im divorced now, I bought him out of our family home. He picks n chooses when he sees the children when it suits him and we have very little contact.

It is absolute bliss, and with hindsight the years I had to hang on were worth it. Only you can weigh up what you can take until you’re ready to leave.

a good friend of mine as married to a total prick, I hated him (never told her that)

she had a great job, he was a director, but he was allll about the show, big 5 bed detached house, smart company cars on the drive etc

when she was eventually left him, he bought her out of the house, he thought that this would eat her alive knowing that their kids would go back to the family home.

how wrong he was, she got a small 3 bed house for her & the kids, not ostentatious at all. She has never ever been happier

what I’m trying to say is it doesn’t matter about the house, you & your children will see you happy and therefore you’ll be happy

for what it’s worth he sounds very toxic, I wouldn’t want my children to see that kind of relationship

Actually I think you should leave ASAP as you're the higher earner.

He sounds emotionally abusive. Leave now, I think if you stay any longer you will keep putting it off and get ground down by him. Your children are young which is best as they won't remember all the emotional abuse from him. I bet if you leave him now in 1 year you will look back and think thank fuck I'm still not in that marriage.