Should and how do I have a co parenting relationship with my ex husband ?

[Madtulip]

Please help. Just signed off divorce after very long acrimonious process. Wealthy ex who hid assets / rarely saw kids etc but used threats of custody for them to get at me. I asked for nothing from
him and paid him money to keep the house - i remortgaged to do this. I stayed grey rock as much as I could. Older kids don’t bother with him much and I don’t interfere when they do. He pays their school fees and minimum other makntensnce. No extra curriculars no school trips no. There was a lot of nos. My issue is our youngest. Many years left as 2 parents. She’s a beautiful kid. She loves him sees him every Saturday and once midweek but he cancels a lot for work dos / rugby etc. I have not verbally spoken or been in same room with him for 28 months. Bar the court. I communicate by email only. Basically mentally I can’t manage anything else. So I stay away. Since divorce he’s around more - since the second we left the court. In more text contact with older kids and turned up in announced at younger sporting event. I stay grey rock but inside I’m so sick. He’s averting as if all ok and we can be pals or something. Im really confused. I want to do what’s best for my kids but I can’t really cope with the extra contact. I’ve had four emails and two unexpected sightings this weekend alone. He’s not rude etc just I feel very uneasy after all the nastiness. I’m half thinking that it’s my issue and I need to grow up or something. I’m scared and very wary. Am I being unreasonable to continue staying away from him and not engaging ? How can I fo this for rest of my life ?? I’m so tired.

Thank you everyone. I’ll adjust my boundaries - I’ll ask him to reduce the emails and I’ll bring headphones/pals to games. My mum reckons it’s his initial reaction to the divorce and he’ll disappear off cycling again in a few weeks like always. I just have to keep my cool. And yes once the kids are happy I am happy so need to keep mouth shut. I’ll concentrate on my enforced “budgeting” instead. Why do men play these silly games ? You wanted out do it with some f’in grace and stop the bshit.

what did his email say this time?
Just curious.
Maybe its the so common male response to separation; woman may not be happy after my leaving.

He said

”Hi - as I wasn’t able to see DD yesterday we confirmed I could pick her up today I can’t recall the time is 1230 or 1 ok “. That’s it as I said they’re not rude but coming in every day to ask/ check on something already closed off I got one last night saying “ Hi just confirming I’ll see DD tomorrow at 1230 “. It’s all just overdone.

Are you happy for him to see DD tomorrow? It may not suit you. You are entitled to say “Sorry, we have plans tomorrow - see you next week”. No need to be combative and if it’s no skin off your nose then by all means agree, but he doesn’t get to dictate the timetable around what suits him. My ex was like this - he still is - I just say no when it doesn’t suit me. He threatened custody a LOT but has never followed through - sounds like your ex is similarly busy and important 🤪 - so just be firm but polite.

When I split with my ex he was AWOL for a bit in terms of messages and contact with kids was sporadic, and then I think reality hit that he was all alone and hardly saw the kids, worried what others were thinking about him, missed the interactions etc and started texting me more.

It angered me so much! I'm no longer responsible in any way for soothing his ego or providing social interaction etc! 😡

I would ignore the message until after kids bedtime, or after work etc so it wasn't starting a back and forth conversation. I'd only respond to stuff about the kids and if I could get away with it as a response I'd send a thumbs up, or a yes that's fine. Very factual and grey rock and nothing that furthered conversation.

It won't be long until your DD is at secondary school and able to receive these texts off him herself. Hang in there!

Wiggle wiggle into your head is what he is doing. Making himself important.
No need at all to send this email today indeed.
My ex does this too, tries to annoy me and hopes I reply accordingly, so he can show everyone what a bitter bitch I am, replying to him, the victim, in such a horrible way when all he does is being friendly and informative.
My physical reaction is also over the roof when anything from him comes in.

Pp how do you do this, (tone here is sincere, desperately need to learn from you)

I'm recently separated following abuse and I don't want to jump in on op's thread but I'm a mess inside, every text, every thing breaks me. Are you just made of more resilient stuff? (Again my tone here is genuine and despairing admiration)

Social worker just told me to put my big girl pants on because I have 18 more years of this ahead 💔

When me and ex were still together he used to jokingly say if we ever split up can we be friends and I'd say no lol. In my mind if I'm not longer in a relationship with the father of my children it will be for a very good reason.

I stick to friendly at handovers (my youngest is still smaller than yours) and that's it. If we're at an event together I will try and stay stood with a friend, if I'm finding it too much I'll excuse myself and go to the loo.

My god there are so many similar experiences. You feel so alone in this situation. Can’t be angry can’t be sad can’t be anything - they dictate it he wants to put on the show. The soccer appearance threw me as it’s an extra curricular he refused to pay for and yet he thinks it ok to turn up for an nb game only same with swimming etc Its the pretence that gets me - when son broke his wrist he was away two weeks cycling in Girona and only texted him about it when he came home. And I have to grin and bear it when it’s all so false. It feels like I’d be living a lie every day for kids who know what he is but he acts like no one knows

It does get easier @Newfrownlines

I had been with him for 21 years and I was thoroughly sick of his shit by the time I ended it. I think the fact I ended it and not him, and that I was unwavering in my decision, helped. It gave me agency. I firmly believed (and still do) that I had made the right choice for me and for my kids. I am very resilient - overly so. If I had t been so stoic I would never have been able to stay as long as I did and I genuinely would have had a nervous breakdown with how he treated me. I did feel on the edge of one at times!

My anxiety was always driven by the fear that he would take the kids from me (even 50:50) or that I would lose the house (at the time we split I knew I could just afford to buy him out, but if the process took too long and prices rose I would not have been able to). Now those two fears have been put to bed - what can he do to me? I’m free of him and that is the greatest gift.

So similar @Madtulip

We were away one weekend at the beach & DD then aged 5.5 fell from the top bunk and smashed her head. So scary - blood everywhere - we had to drive 60km back to the city I spent the night in hospital with her as she was concussed. I didn’t bother calling exH when it happened as his track record strongly indicated to me he’d be useless/disinterested. Sure enough, DD was discharged the next morning, he facetimed her for 5 minutes and then said oh well better go do some work and then went away for the weekend with his girlfriend.

He didn’t come to DD’s first day of school (“you never told me I had to”), won’t take the kids to the doctor ever (“I’m not doing shit just because you don’t want to do it”) … the list goes on & on

Im in similar situation where court proceedings turned into horrendous personal attacks and lots of abusive behaviour which meant I insisted on contact via app and parallel parenting for my own mental health.

Now the settlement is done he’s being more reasonable. I suspected he decided to be adversarial for the proceedings and seemed to compartmentalise that but there’s no going back for me.

Also now facing request to use email again. I’m not going to. I get to choose my boundaries. I’m never going back to being the people pleaser which got me into this mess in the first place.

The hardest thing has been realising the person I used to think would always have the dc’s back can’t be trusted to put them first and in fact tried to throw them under a bus for a bigger £% he didn’t need.

Stick to the app. If you get an email reply via the app. If it’s not urgent don’t reply for a few days. I expect the novelty will wear off. After harassing me about extra contact (to help his case) ex has not asked to have dc for any holidays since the case ended. He has a partner so that’s also a useful distraction.

As the dc get older there are fewer and fewer events. So it will get easier. I am always civil at dc events but no longer friendly.

Hes already told everyone you were mad / bitter /money grabbing etc. it used to bother me as I got on well with his family / friends but now I only bother about what people I care about or whose judgment I value think. Keeping contact minimal works for me. Once someone has been abusive and manipulative they lose the right to give advice or dictate anything.

My dc are older. They love and see their dad but they also see him for the selfish person he is. They aren’t under any illusions about him. They understand why I don’t engage with him.

What really helps me contain my emotions is having a new phone number for my new life. With a new email address.
This way I can be sure nothing bad can come into my day.
Ex doesnt know this and still uses the old phone and adresses. That phone stays home, and I look at it on my time. And never ever before going to bed. Which is the common time I remember to check the phone. But I make myself wait till the next day and after a while I even started to forget😄.
Works very well for me.

Change your number in your kids phone when they are asleep and make sure the profile pic is the same.
They won't notice.
Tell your friends and family the truth and to not spread the number.
Edited to say: or tell your kids as well, up to you what you find they can deal with.

Thank you. That’s a really good idea re the phone and new email address. I’ve just got another super polite super friendly so helpful email of him saying he has a bank form for me to sign - he could just give it to daughter to give to me without the email. I need to keep my cool coz I’ve had nearly five years of keeping my mouth shut and I now so want to scream you are a fin ARSHHOLE. Fantasy of hiring a plane that could fly over the city or the next big rugby game saying “ Ex is a scaby fin arshole mamil “. Oh to be bloody free of him Can I ask did anyone out there ever , even years later , get an apology or even an explanation why they were such shits during the process ? Does any of them ever apologise to their children ? Or so they just rock on with oh it’s all her

13 years later not only is he the victim in the whole story but it turns out I apparently bullied him into needing to find solace in the arms of another woman who he only wanted to fuck. Didn’t actually want any sort of relationship with so that kind of contradicts itself doesn’t it?
In order for human beings to go about their day-to-day life, they have to rewrite the story. You couldn’t exist thinking to yourself my god what an arsehole I’ve been for 15 years could you?

What is the split with your husband @Endoftheroad12345 if you don’t mind me asking? And how can you be certain that his threat of 50/50 has been put to bed?

Hi all. Just putting an update up - not sure if anyone still on this. So I stick to my guns didn’t reply to his frequent emails unless “a really have to “ (like confirming a pick up time from dds pals house ) so I thought things had settled. Today I received a solicitors letter advising me that he’l wants our sweet happy 9 year old to attend a so called “parenting expert “ psychologist to ascertain if it’s truly her wish that she doesn’t want overnights and it would be in our daughters best interest for me to facilitate her attendance for same and he will pay for it. She’s happy going with him on the Thurs and Sat days he ASKED for and I don’t stop him taking her out on any other time he asks her (doesn’t happen often ). DD doesn’t want overnights - she doesn’t like his place just likes coming and m to her own bed. So the saga starts again. I can’t afford to fight it through the courts so I’ll shut up again and help her through this as kindly as I can. He knows he can’t get at the oldest so he goes at her. Imagine the mind of someone who thinks it’s okay to drag a nine year old girl though this again (previous child reports done ).

Sorry @Madtulip he sounds horrific. I really hope the courts listen to your girl.
Hold strong. Good luck.

Oh I'm sorry MadTulip - you think he'll actually do it? What facilitation is he requiring? Can't he just book it on the Thursday when he has her? Why do you need to be involved at all?

I haven't spoken to my ex in 5 years. We communicate solely through calendar invites. When he said he wanted to take my eldest to a special clinic abroad for an (imaginary) problem I just ignored the email, and 2 years later, nothing's come of it.

He’s maybe realising he’s going to be a lonely old man.. I wouldn’t date a man who had no contact with his kids, and if he doesn’t have his kids then what has he actually got? A bike and his money. He thought he would have a lovely single life but realised His friends will have family life going on and no time to facilitate this for him. Probably about control too. I have no advice as not been in your situation but I don’t think this will go away unfortunately

My response to the solicitor would be:

No you are not going to facilitate this at this time and do not agree that it is in childs best interests. The child arrangement order is only 3? months old and that dd9 was asked by the court process what she wanted at that time as is detailed in x report. Now is a time for her to settle to the new normal not have the whole arrangement thrown in the air again. (Perhaps then suggest you'd be open to reviewing this in 3yrs time - after she has switched to and is settled at secondary or something similar.)

If they persist tell them you require a list of 5 such experts to choose from before you will agree to ensure there is no bias.

I would also consider using a co-parenting app..that way you can direct all his communication through that - where it is recorded so he does not need to repeat question for the sake of contact with you.

Don't ask him to reduce the emails. Set up a dedicated dickhead email account and only check it twice a week. He can email as often as he likes. You choose when you will allow him access to you.

Unfortunately you will have many years of needing some contact with him even when your kids are adults with weddings, christenings, graduations etc so you don’t need to be friends but tolerating being in the same room as him is a minimum requirement. I wouldn’t say move on and forget all the acrimony but for your kids sake I would be polite but nothing else.

Thank you. I’m so tired of being in defense mode. That’s all. I’m tired to my bones. The advice is great - I think I will reply myself to solicitor saying that DD has been through enough and revisit in a few years when we’re all more recovered. When we were married I solved all his issues - he can’t do this one on his own so back at me. Oh god if I had a Time Machine. Thanks everyone.