To not provide DSS with a room

[Moorside111]

Currently living in rented accommodation with partner, our baby, my daughter from ex marriage and his son from his ex marriage. Both step children are 50/50 with their other parents. We currently live in a large house with lots of space and a bedroom for everyone. But the cost of this rent and associated bills is astronomical and we need to either buy our own 4 bed house or rent somewhere cheaper.

My partner earns double what I earn and works long hours. I have a less demanding job and so do most of the housework and childcare for our baby. This might sound ok- apart from the fact that we pay half each of the rent and bills for our current home. So I really feel like he’s onto a pretty good deal. I used to do childcare and school runs for DSS too and recently stopped….but that is another story.

I own a three bed semi, bought with the proceeds of my divorce, which I lived in with my daughter before I met my partner. It’s a lovely house which I renovated and is in a nice desirable area. It’s been rented out but the tenants have given notice to leave in August.

My partner sold his marital home, gave his ex wife 2/3 of the equity and has since burnt through the rest of the money. He has nothing for a deposit for a new home and so we need to sell mine, which would give us a decent deposit for a new 4 bed house.

Ive decided that I don’t want to move to another cheaper rented property, they’re rarely decorated nicely, don’t feel like home to me and I’d probably have to live in a less nice area to get the size we’d want for a cheaper price. So I’ve decided to move back into my 3 bed semi, spruce it up a little bit and eventually sell it- I’m estimating this might take 12 months or so. My daughter loves this house, it’s near school, friends and her dad. She’s looking forward to going back to her old room. When I initially told my partner that I thought this was the best idea, I discussed it with a view to us all moving there together- it would be cramped and not ideal- but it’s a home and only a stepping stone to us buying somewhere bigger. I suggested we put our 1yo baby in with us and decorate the 3rd bedroom for his son. He didn’t like this idea, said I wouldn’t put my daughter in the small room so why should he put his son. He said he’d rent a house so that his son could have more room and when his son was at his mums he would stay with me and our baby.
He suggested that his son and our baby could have the second double room and my daughter have the small room. This might be where I’m being selfish as I won’t compromise on my daughter- the room was hers to begin with, I don’t want her impacted by my choice to blend a family. She was happy to move in with partner and son btw and they all get on well so there’s no issues there. But I also selfishly don’t see why I should impact my daughter for someone else’s child.

We left it like this until this week where he’s realised the move is imminent and he’s now decided he wants to move to the three bed house with me. He said he doesn’t want to live apart from me and our baby- and I don’t want to live apart either. However, I’ve now planned to have a bedroom for each of my children. I going back to work this week, our 1yo is starting nursery, he’s a light sleeper and for the sake of both of us I think he needs his own room for a good nights sleep instead of us waking each other up in a shared room.

my partner has now decided he’ll convert the integral garage for his son so that he’ll have plenty of space. I initially said this would be ok but I’m now feeling uneasy about this too. He’s planning on doing this renovation himself. I didn’t think much damage could be done until he said he was planning on taking the garage door out and getting our friend to fit in some french doors so it would look more like a room. I have two issues with this:

1- friend has done work for me before and it’s shoddy. I worry what the finish of this DIY project will be.

2- the garage door was only put in a couple of years ago, it was expensive, it’s remote electric and matches the front door. The garage was newly rendered and it all looks smart from the road.

AIBU to say no to this project? It feels selfish and I’m basically saying I won’t allow a room to be made for DSS. Creating the room allows us to stay together and still have DSS over to stay. Surely lots of people would do anything to keep the whole family together.

i feel selfish, but also a bit angry that everything has fallen to me- childcare, bills, providing a home. Now I’m potentially damaging my home, my only asset, so that I can house his son.

I realise the phrase ‘his son’ sounds horrid from a step mum and it’s not a reflection of how I am at home. I care for him, treat him the same as my daughter and son. But in reality he has a mother and father- and it feels like his father’s job to ensure he has a house big enough for his family.

My exH was a great guy in many ways- except keeping it in his pants unfortunately.
We were together since we were 18 and had become like brother and sister, so when I found out about the affair it was almost a relief. I don’t hold a grudge against him, we aren’t bitter. We coparent well and you could say we are now friends.
And he gives our daughter lots of time, not just money. He’s there for her, and for me if I ever needed it.

I would be telling him that he needs to save for 50% of the deposit on the mortgage, I’d also tell him, he needs to rent somewhere nearby for him and his son as your house is only big enough for you and yours. That would give most people incentive to save like hell as they’d be desperate to buy a property big enough for you all. You will then be leaving him to his own responsibilities and letting him save for a deposit before you commit any further. You won’t be selling your house until he has enough saved to put down 50% of the deposit, if he balks at this, then you know he's a cocklodger.

ExH believes that my DP supports me more than he actually does- he’d be furious to know that I used my savings for maternity.

Why are you contemplating buying a house with someone you do not have candid financial discussions with? You’re unclear on his financial situation and he’s unclear on yours. This is not a decent foundation for intertwining your finances.

The challenges of blended families.
I hope whatever decision you come to will work out.
For those who are suggesting partner is freeloading, it's important to consider if the roles were reversed between OP and partner

i think everyone just assumes that because I’ve been on maternity that he’s been supporting me. I guess I’m too embarrassed to let anyone know the truth.

DP knows something is up now, we’ve barely spoken today. I’m going to tell him that we need to talk and then I’m going to let him know how disappointed I am that our life has turned out differently to how I imagined (financially) and that I don’t want to continue paying 50% of the bills and 90% of the domestic side. I also won’t be having the garage changed, unless it’s just a temporary space for DSS to put his gaming desk whilst sleeping in the house.

if he can’t contribute more financially, or won’t accept the space I have for his son, then I’m happy to live separately. I think initially he will be annoyed and this is what he will say he will do.

Your ex dh sounds lovely and supportive. Esp if he would up his maintenance if you split with dp

does dp know if he lives in own place you want child support/maintenance?

I lived in bed 3 the small one for 15yrs till my parents did an extension and built a bigger bedrooom for me bless them

but no need - I wouid have survived in the box room

just as step son would if he moves in but even more so as it’s 50/50

i know no one wants a failed relationship or two , I know I didn’t but knew it was better for dd , for dh and I to split last year

but @Moorside111 think carefully about staying with this man and protect your assets

Your poor daughter.
You really have blown it with this user loser.

I mean this kindly OP, but should you continue on this path of poor decisions, putting a total waster ahead of your daughter, before a decade is gone, she will judge you SO poorly

Your choices will absolutely come back to bite you.
He is so obviously using you, it's unbelievable that you can't see it.

He resents you and your Ex, but not enough not to use the arse off you.

I have no doubt his Ex is well aware that you are there to be used too.

Hence the 90 minute round trip, twice a day.
Who does that to a new born?
So awful.

Please wake up.

I think you need to compromise a little if you do want to be with him. Although I would make him pay for the room to be renovated, and it has to be properly done, not a shoddy job.

Good luck with your talk op.

Good luck with the talk.

Also, you need to tell those close to you what has been going on.

He'll try to make you doubt yourself and you could end up feeling selfish and unreasonable if he tries to talk you into thinking you're a gold digger again.

Having people in real life supporting you will help.

"if he can’t contribute more financially, or won’t accept the space I have for his son, then I’m happy to live separately. I think initially he will be annoyed and this is what he will say he will do."

He'll do just what he just did, say he'll find a place then decide he wants to live with you. He doesn't want to pay rent for his own place or child support to you.

He's manipulative and full of bullshit. He's already said you're all about the money, trying to make you feel guilty, and the threat that he won't live with you if you don't let him do fuck all with your property. He thinks that he can keep you in line.

Where is his money? He should have saved something while you were paying so much during your maternity leave.

Be prepared for more 'it's all about money with you" patter when you have the discussion with him.

Of course the simple, truthful response to that is "No, it's about fairness".

But then, this is a man who expected you to fund your own maternity leave (wow), not to mention the other imbalances in your relationship and finances.

He wouldn't know fairness - or decency for that matter - if either of them bit him on the arse.

If you do decide to continue with this relationship, go back to Plan A. Live in your own house with your two children and let him get a place for himself and his elder son. After all, he proposed it in the first place, so how could he have a problem with it now? Like we don't know.....

It sounds to me like he is probably paying to much maintenance to his ex and needs to revaluate since you have a child together. Could be wrong.

That is not safe. Will need either planning permission or permitted development and building control to check buildings regs.

Why do people care so bloody little for children who already exist? Why blow up their familes like this

Hear hear!

"whenever I do try to bring up the unfairness in our finances he does say ‘it’s all about money for you isn’t it?’"

Well that's worked extremely well for him so far hasn't it?
It's the perfect way for him to Shut you Up and always make you back down from any real discussion. Which allows him to continue with unfair arrangements which have grown up somehow because money can't be discussed.

Not only that, it goads you into trying even harder to prove that you are generous and responsible (You already are, but its not enough for him)

When you live together and have a family together - then yes. Money is important.

You've hidden the truth about using up all your savings to continue to subsidize him when you were on Maternity leave. Because you were embarrassed.
Did he ever show the slightest embarrassment about this? Or just accept it as your rightful role.?

You know that your ex would be furious if he found out. Of course he would. Anyone who cared about you would. Your partner is the one who should be embarrassed, but somehow the shame is falling on you. I think that is because you know how wrong it is and that you feel humiliated by him putting you in that position.... but you are still struggling with the money guilt which he has drilled into you and worried about further accusations of being a gold digger.

You're not digging up very much gold at the moment!
The cheek of the man talking as if he's some kind of billionaire and you are trying to take advantage of him - all the while he accuses you of gold digging and takes outright advantage of your finances, with plans to set himself up in property using your equity.

You need to recognise this technique he's using because I'm betting he's using it in all his arguments with you and not just with the gold digging comments... the comments about you not selling your house quickly enough - you are to blame etc etc.

The more you post about him, the more a very unsavoury side to him is appearing. He puts a lot of pressure on you to comply with his wishes, you have to prove that you are helpful and generous all the time - despite everything you already do.. Why is that? Please, please think about this. Do you think this behaviour would get better once you've sold up and tied up your finances with him. Would the financial situation be any fairer over time, once he's got his feet under the table and you've effectively lost your independence?

Talk to your family, friends and your ex about this... BEFORE you have the talk with him.You said he would be very annoyed. Are you ready for that? Get as much support as possible.

Would you back down if he gets angry with you? Make sure you are able to make the best choices about your future first without his overbearing influence. And then tell him what you want to do. You have a chance to move back to your own home in August.

Ok it’s shocking that you had to use savings to fund your maternity - but did he have spare cash? If you both can’t afford your expensive rental, was using your savings necessary?

Protect your assets at all costs. This man is financially irresponsible. Do not buy a house with him and do not sell your house for him. Do not let his cowboy mate convert your garage. Your 'partner' is a piss taker, expecting you to pay half the rent when he earns double! Honestly, you'd be well rid of this user.

Yes, because he believes that will put you back in your box. He’ll call you a gold digger, or insinuate it, and then you’ll accept being taken advantage of to ‘prove’ you’re a good woman, and not one of those entirely sensible women shallow bitches.

Women are, to a massive detriment, encouraged to not look out for themselves financially, and shamed if they do. Don’t fall for it.

because I’m used to having money, when I bring up our finances he makes me feel like I’m being money grabbing. He insinuates that I expected my exH to look after me and now I’m expecting him to.

This is gaslighting. It's actually the other way around. He's expecting you to fund his chosen lifestyle. And you've been doing it! Because he's manipulated you into it, made you doubt yourself. He's not looking after you AT ALL. He's all out for himself.

Saying it's all about money for you, that IS him calling you a gold digger, just using different words. It's an insult. And it's disrespectful when not only are you not a gold digger, you're subsidising him, who is one.

The fact you feel guilty etc and question whether you've the right to feel annoyed about these things he does, coupled with your obvious reluctance to give it to him straight and instead tiptoeing around and leaving the final decision about whether he moves in upto him, then hoping he changes his mind about garage conversion so you don't have to tell him no, because you want to avoid the fallout from that...it's coercive control OP. This is the behaviour and thought processes of someone who's being controlled.

He's being so breathtakingly nasty about money, is using you as a cash cow and has managed to convince you it's all fine. It really isn't. A normal reaction to someone treating you badly like this would be to not want them near you. But you're not thinking normally because he's messed up your mind and trained you to accept it. He insinuates you're a gold digger, (whilst he's feeling entitled to all that's yours!)...and... nothing. I expect you waste energy defending yourself and trying pointlessly to get him to see things from your perspective. No anger at the bare faced cheek of him insulting you like that. No rage at the unfairness of the situation of you subbing him financially, with free nanny and maid duties on top, plus taking on ALL the mental load too. Just... trying to explain yourself and justify yourself I'm sure, and at the same time figure out a way to keep him in your life and be a family 🥴. You can't OP, not without being abused.

You've said your baby is a light sleeper and you were happy enough for your partner and DSS to live separately. You've planned for that now that he claimed it was what he wanted (it wasn't, it was a threat (withdrawal of affection) designed to bring you in line and give him what he wants: the bigger room for his son). You feel baby needs his own room, so you don't wake each other all night long sharing a room. You lose that peaceful night's sleep by moving your partner in and giving DSS the baby's room. How much more miserable will this shit show be when you and baby are both chronically sleep deprived? Why do you think you should do that to yourself and baby, just to keep your partner and DSS happy? Why are you putting them and their needs and happiness above that of your own children? You don't have room for them, they need to live elsewhere.

If he moves in I don't put it past him to do work on the house without your consent. He currently owns zero percent of your house. If he carries out shoddy work that devalues it but gives him a claim against it, whatever percentage he gets, it's pure profit to him. From his perspective xyz percentage of a lower value house is better than zero percent of a higher value one. I think moving him in will be a huge mistake for this reason. He can't be trusted.

From what you've said he's seething with jealousy that you own a house and he doesn't. He's barely concealing his dislike for you, acts like he thinks you're a spoiled rich bitch etc and he's determined to take that house from you.

The "lovely him" is a mask, a public veneer of civility. Those snide remarks during your rows, that's the real him. That's what he really thinks of you.

He thinks he's entitled to everything you have and that you not giving it to him is out of order. This is because he doesn't see you as an autonomous person in your own right. You're just a resource for him to use, an accessory to his life (your life doesn't factor into it, you don't exist outside of your usefulness to him). Like a gold bracelet that he can show off to others or sell to release the monetary value of. Or a pair of overalls he can hang on a hook when he's done with them and forget about. You're something he owns.

Everyone is "lovely" when life is going how they want it to and they're happy, it's how people behave when there's an issue and things aren't going the way they want that determines whether they're a good person or not.

Read about future faking OP. He already knew he'd spent his money at the time he first made plans to buy a house with you. He then made no effort to save a deposit to make happen. He keeps talking "equality" but it isn't actually happening. There's nothing equal about your finances and I agree with those who said he's probably squirrelling some away, which is why he hasn't love bombed you into marriage yet. He probably has a big fat pension and that's why his ex wife got 2/3 of the house equity in the divorce, not his generosity. .

@4forksache He was giving maintenance, that he didn't need to give because he had his son 50/50, to his wife.

So no, using her savings wasn't necessary. As a minimum he could have used this money for the maternity leave.

OP also could have had reduced expenses
By living in her own house instead of paying rent,
Not having the higher council tax on a bigger property,
Or the extra heating costs of a bigger property,
Not having all the petrol costs of driving 3hrs half the week taking his son to school then collecting him again.

He also could have reduced his lifestyle and therefore expenses, cutting down to what he could afford. Instead of leaving maternity for OP to sort out alone.

Why are your standards in men so low .
You jumped out of the frying pan in to the fire
I'm shocked you had to pay 50% while on maternity leave
I'm more shocked you put up with it
It is ok to be single and have two children
There is no law that says you have to be in a relationship with either of them.
I cannot fathom why you are still letting this man and his son move in your home .
It's bizarre you can't see your better of without him

You do need to have a chat with him, when you do make sure you protect the house, YOUR asset for you and your dc. It’s right that he contributes more, but not at the expense of getting an interest in your home at the moment he has no claim on it at all, you are not married and it’s nothing to do with him. If he actually contributed towards the mortgage and/or any alterations this would change and you could end up losing the house to pay him off if you split in the future and your relationship doesn’t come across bulletproof now.

I definitely think you’re right not doing any alterations to the garage, I also always think it’s weird when people convert most of the garage but still leave the door either do it properly or not at all. I wouldn’t buy a house like that.

OP your last few posts don’t paint a good picture. This relationship sounds like a big mistake for you and your daughter. Definitely get him to live separately for a year or so while you reassess. You need some space to look at this critically. Don’t even offer the third bedroom. Just say this has all caused you a great deal of upset and you will be sticking to the original plan which can be reassessed later.

Presumably the rental income has factored into your present financial situation. If you move back into your home, your income will drop. I think it's important to point that out to him as a reason why you won't be continuing to pay the unfair proportion of the bills if he moves in.