To not provide DSS with a room

[Moorside111]

Currently living in rented accommodation with partner, our baby, my daughter from ex marriage and his son from his ex marriage. Both step children are 50/50 with their other parents. We currently live in a large house with lots of space and a bedroom for everyone. But the cost of this rent and associated bills is astronomical and we need to either buy our own 4 bed house or rent somewhere cheaper.

My partner earns double what I earn and works long hours. I have a less demanding job and so do most of the housework and childcare for our baby. This might sound ok- apart from the fact that we pay half each of the rent and bills for our current home. So I really feel like he’s onto a pretty good deal. I used to do childcare and school runs for DSS too and recently stopped….but that is another story.

I own a three bed semi, bought with the proceeds of my divorce, which I lived in with my daughter before I met my partner. It’s a lovely house which I renovated and is in a nice desirable area. It’s been rented out but the tenants have given notice to leave in August.

My partner sold his marital home, gave his ex wife 2/3 of the equity and has since burnt through the rest of the money. He has nothing for a deposit for a new home and so we need to sell mine, which would give us a decent deposit for a new 4 bed house.

Ive decided that I don’t want to move to another cheaper rented property, they’re rarely decorated nicely, don’t feel like home to me and I’d probably have to live in a less nice area to get the size we’d want for a cheaper price. So I’ve decided to move back into my 3 bed semi, spruce it up a little bit and eventually sell it- I’m estimating this might take 12 months or so. My daughter loves this house, it’s near school, friends and her dad. She’s looking forward to going back to her old room. When I initially told my partner that I thought this was the best idea, I discussed it with a view to us all moving there together- it would be cramped and not ideal- but it’s a home and only a stepping stone to us buying somewhere bigger. I suggested we put our 1yo baby in with us and decorate the 3rd bedroom for his son. He didn’t like this idea, said I wouldn’t put my daughter in the small room so why should he put his son. He said he’d rent a house so that his son could have more room and when his son was at his mums he would stay with me and our baby.
He suggested that his son and our baby could have the second double room and my daughter have the small room. This might be where I’m being selfish as I won’t compromise on my daughter- the room was hers to begin with, I don’t want her impacted by my choice to blend a family. She was happy to move in with partner and son btw and they all get on well so there’s no issues there. But I also selfishly don’t see why I should impact my daughter for someone else’s child.

We left it like this until this week where he’s realised the move is imminent and he’s now decided he wants to move to the three bed house with me. He said he doesn’t want to live apart from me and our baby- and I don’t want to live apart either. However, I’ve now planned to have a bedroom for each of my children. I going back to work this week, our 1yo is starting nursery, he’s a light sleeper and for the sake of both of us I think he needs his own room for a good nights sleep instead of us waking each other up in a shared room.

my partner has now decided he’ll convert the integral garage for his son so that he’ll have plenty of space. I initially said this would be ok but I’m now feeling uneasy about this too. He’s planning on doing this renovation himself. I didn’t think much damage could be done until he said he was planning on taking the garage door out and getting our friend to fit in some french doors so it would look more like a room. I have two issues with this:

1- friend has done work for me before and it’s shoddy. I worry what the finish of this DIY project will be.

2- the garage door was only put in a couple of years ago, it was expensive, it’s remote electric and matches the front door. The garage was newly rendered and it all looks smart from the road.

AIBU to say no to this project? It feels selfish and I’m basically saying I won’t allow a room to be made for DSS. Creating the room allows us to stay together and still have DSS over to stay. Surely lots of people would do anything to keep the whole family together.

i feel selfish, but also a bit angry that everything has fallen to me- childcare, bills, providing a home. Now I’m potentially damaging my home, my only asset, so that I can house his son.

I realise the phrase ‘his son’ sounds horrid from a step mum and it’s not a reflection of how I am at home. I care for him, treat him the same as my daughter and son. But in reality he has a mother and father- and it feels like his father’s job to ensure he has a house big enough for his family.

No, a matching garage door is more important than a botched garage conversion which by the sound of it wouldn’t meet building regs. I think the OP is realising she can keep the garage door by the simple expedient of ditching the spendthrift partner, or at the very least, suggesting he rents somewhere for him and his son.

if the garage was converted properly then that would be a solution, but only a temporary one as it sounds as though the OP and partner have never worked out their finances and the cracks are starting to show.

I think the garage conversion is a good idea. But done properly. Not by DP and his make (AKA Bodgem and Scarper). Get a builder in to do it properly. If plumbing allows, put in a downstairs shower room too.

It will add value to your home and provide you all with a long term solution where your dd is happy. But don’t pay for the conversion all yourself…it has to be 50:50.

Do not put DP on the mortgage. Do not get married in the future. Keep the house solely in your name.

Just to update a few things:

He received his payout from the marital home when I’d only been with him a few months. I didn’t ask about his financial situation or how much he had received. It wasn’t my business, we didn’t have a shared child and I had my own home and separate finances. He was renting an apartment at the time and didn’t seem to have any money worries. He took us all (my daughter included) on an expensive holiday and used the rest as a deposit for a car and to pay off some credit cards.
I knew he’d used the money to do this but didn’t know that was all of his divorce money. I’m sensible with money and would’ve said absolutely not to the holiday and car.
I know he’s always planned on buying and I guess he thought that he didn’t need to save his money as if we bought together there was a good deposit available in mine.

I’ve read and taken on board all of the good advice here. There would never be another house jointly bought without proper legal support to ensure that my deposit was safeguarded as mine.

in terms of the garage conversion, I’m going to make it clear today that the garage door stays in and anything else that is done is completed by a proper company with correct building regs. I suspect at this point he will say he doesn’t want to do it…..and then the next decision is up to him.

As people have rightly pointed out, it may be beneficial for him to live separately until he has some savings. I’d comfortably pay my own bills and receive CM from him and he’d have to look after our baby when he wanted to see him.
I’d even have a nice peaceful life with half of the laundry, cooking etc to do 😀 That being said, I really would like to keep the family together and I’d really like him to go and save some money up to help us buy a new house.
It’s also been pointed out that any stamp duty, legal fees etc would have to come from the equity in my house

He is a cocklodger.
He. Is. A. Cocklodger.

I am often baffled about how women sleepwalk into these insane situations. However, you’re wide awake, clearly intelligent, in possession of all the facts, and have still done/are doing this. It’s madness.

Did something happen growing up or in your prior relationships to make you think all this acceptable?

I think this is far more nuanced than people are making out. There seems to be a lack of communication and not being on the same page.

. Financially, their contribution is about the same if you take maintenance and rental income into account so I think the op focusing on he earns more is a bit of a red herring.
. She works a lot less hours so naturally she’ll end up doing more - although at weekends it should be equal.
. she won’t compromise on her dd and her comfort and admits she’s selfish in that respect, so why is it so awful that he is trying to do the same?

The main issue as I see it, is that they aren’t on the same page. They need to find their end goal and they both need to figure out how to work towards it together in a fair way. The OP should protect her asset and should be wary of how he burned through his money from his house. As an op said, was it on essentials and housing his son before they met or was it on frivolous unnecessary stuff? Either way they need to look at their income and expenditure. Both need to commit to extensive saving and reducing expenditure to work towards that four bed.
Compromises need to be made by both of them. At the moment they are both focusing on their own child and not seeing the bigger picture. Dss can have the small room if he’s only there for 2/3 nights a week, and it’s only temporary until the new house, but OP needs to appreciate that this is a big ask although only temporary and acknowledge that it’s a big deal for him. Communicate and appreciate.
Her frustration will lower if she sees him making an effort to save etc to work towards a common end goal. They need to work together instead of independently within the relationship.

Op if you don’t end up with similar personal spending and similar down time from either chores or working, then please reconsider the relationship. Work as a team. If you can’t do that then end the relationship. There is no team at the moment. You both seem out for all you can get individually.

She doesn’t seem to care!

Just read the update.

How on earth will he be able to save money if he’s renting a flat, paying cm to his ex and also to you? You were struggling when pooling finances.

I see your reasoning and why, but I don’t think it’s possible.

OP I think you were along the right lines in the first place. The garage idea is not a good one and won’t help you achieve what you all want: to sell and move on. I think the answers you need from the wisdom of MN is how to manage in the 3 bed house - something that has been endlessly and brilliantly discussed on other threads in the past. FWIW I think the simplest might be to climb down from the position that your DD has to have her own room back and do up the larger room such that DSS has it when he is with you and the little one can go in when he’s not. You’ve decided to blend the families, to my mind that includes not taking the position that DD’s rights overrule DSSs. The other question in my mind is whether a loft extension would add value to your 3 bed - could you consider an extension, with a view to staying there a bit longer, with DH contributing by paying you reasonable rent?

You might need planning permission too. We have a double garage and understand we’d need planning to convert it. It’s not integral though.

I think it boils down to this.

His response to you today will be interesting.

I think you should stick to your original proposed plan - baby in with you, son in small room, daughter in hers. Sell and move up to a bigger property.

I think YABU to go back on the original idea that you suggested.

Rtt. He doesn't want his son in the small room.

Its’s also been pointed out that any stamp duty, legal fees etc would have to come from the equity in my house.

How can you not see who he really is? He love bombed you with a holiday and nice new car. He is financially illiterate, grabby (what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine) and doesn’t pull his weight. If you let him, he will continue to take from you forever more. Ive read posts on here in the past of women, who’ve bitterly regretted selling their home to buy with a man just like this. Or one, who’s abusive in sos way.

Yes, go and have a peaceful life with half of the cooking, laundry etc.

Tough. It's not his house.

Sorry, yes he has had his son 50/50 for the past few years and still paid maintenance. This was only possible by me doing a couple of school runs a week and providing childcare during school hols (I’m a teacher)
during maternity leave I stopped doing this as my baby was being in the car for 1 1/2 hour round trip, after dropping my own daughter off and then DSS. The children are at different schools with DSS being further away. There was no way I was keeping that going when I was back at work and also had to factor in a nursery drop before I even started my own working day!
so now he has his son all weekend and once during the week where he’ll start work a bit later himself. He was already paying maintenance so this has just stayed the same

How is he looking after his son 50% of the time if he’s working such long hours? Or he is getting you to look after his son on his time? If that’s the case he’s take away from the time you can devote to your kids. He’s not paying his way and he’s not doing his share around the house. I think you might find your life if quieter and easier without him and his son living with you.

Do not prejudice your financial position. Don’t allow him to adapt the garage without a clear contract in place saying he cannot then claim part of your house. He seems to be financially irresponsible and I’d be v cautious about letting him move into your property.

The money has stayed the same? So you’ve been contributing a hefty amount so that he can be the Big Man with his ex? This gets better and better.

This guys is a financial drain

where is all his cash l? going why is he paying cms when he does 50/50 So he can “look good” while you sub him???

why are you carrying the financial burden when he earns double and wants to smash his cash up the wall despite having TWO kids….?

he hasn’t held up his end of the deal and finances / financial security are important to me so I would be decidedly fucked off about all this…

So many threads on MN, telling sad stories of mothers who moved losers into the family home, had more children and then marry.

Handing their childrens inheritance over to these losers who make sure the money goes where they want it.

So many children sidelined completely when their mother finds a new man.

They make one bad decision after another and their original children pay the price.

Of course man are notorious too for moving on and handing over assets to another partner who ensures their original children never see a penny of any inheritance.

It is a shocking legacy of selfish parents.

I really hope the OP wakes up and starts thinking about her children and not this loser user.

Both she and her children deserve better, particularly her poor daughter.

Unbelievable that you would put a new baby in a car seat for a 90 minute round trip for this user, even once.

Can you really not see how you put him ahead of your children, even a newborn?

Please wake up OP.

You sound so vulnerable.
That means your children are very vulnerable too.

Wow.

He has his son 50/50.

Pays his ex CM.

Relies on you to provide housing/deposit.

Relies on you to parent both his sons.

Are you seeing it yet?

He spent the money partly on you OP and not how you would have spent it, but I think his attitude to money now is more important. Would he commit to saving hard and reducing expenditure whilst living together? I think you are making it impossible for him to achieve what you are asking him, if he has living expenses for a separate household whilst still paying his ex wife and cm to you for your joint baby.

If you want the relationship to work then this isn’t the right way of going about it.

But you do need to make things fair, both financially and downtime wise.

Did you post before OP re the pick up / drop off situation (and mat leave)?

If so I remember MN telling you your DP and his ex were taking you for a ride.

If you are the same poster, my advice would be to leave the relationship.

Have you asked the question, why should DSS get the biggest room when he is there less than 50% of the time?

OP

You and he need a really clear conversation about financials. Yes, ideally DSS would have his own room that is the same size as DD’s, but that’s not an option right now. So what’s the best way for you both to get to that goal? Which might involve selling his car, limiting holidays, looking at the level of CM paid, eating in more or whatever.

There’s almost no point in anything else if you aren’t on the same page for financials.

Your step son needs a room. He needs to feel like it is his home. The garage conversion makes sense, but needs to be done properly. I personally would keep the youngest in our room for the nights both of the older children stayed. Otherwise I whichever of the older children you thought it would work best with share with the younger child until the garage conversion is done, but make it fun camping out whilst you renovate. As small children have disrupted sleep often though, I would personally put the youngest in with us some nights. Regardless they all need to feel like the are welcome. That is if you want to stay with you partner of course.

He also should pay more towards the house/bills if he has more disposable income (as you are working part time to look after the children). This is really unfair if he is not doing this for no reason.