To not provide DSS with a room

[Moorside111]

Currently living in rented accommodation with partner, our baby, my daughter from ex marriage and his son from his ex marriage. Both step children are 50/50 with their other parents. We currently live in a large house with lots of space and a bedroom for everyone. But the cost of this rent and associated bills is astronomical and we need to either buy our own 4 bed house or rent somewhere cheaper.

My partner earns double what I earn and works long hours. I have a less demanding job and so do most of the housework and childcare for our baby. This might sound ok- apart from the fact that we pay half each of the rent and bills for our current home. So I really feel like he’s onto a pretty good deal. I used to do childcare and school runs for DSS too and recently stopped….but that is another story.

I own a three bed semi, bought with the proceeds of my divorce, which I lived in with my daughter before I met my partner. It’s a lovely house which I renovated and is in a nice desirable area. It’s been rented out but the tenants have given notice to leave in August.

My partner sold his marital home, gave his ex wife 2/3 of the equity and has since burnt through the rest of the money. He has nothing for a deposit for a new home and so we need to sell mine, which would give us a decent deposit for a new 4 bed house.

Ive decided that I don’t want to move to another cheaper rented property, they’re rarely decorated nicely, don’t feel like home to me and I’d probably have to live in a less nice area to get the size we’d want for a cheaper price. So I’ve decided to move back into my 3 bed semi, spruce it up a little bit and eventually sell it- I’m estimating this might take 12 months or so. My daughter loves this house, it’s near school, friends and her dad. She’s looking forward to going back to her old room. When I initially told my partner that I thought this was the best idea, I discussed it with a view to us all moving there together- it would be cramped and not ideal- but it’s a home and only a stepping stone to us buying somewhere bigger. I suggested we put our 1yo baby in with us and decorate the 3rd bedroom for his son. He didn’t like this idea, said I wouldn’t put my daughter in the small room so why should he put his son. He said he’d rent a house so that his son could have more room and when his son was at his mums he would stay with me and our baby.
He suggested that his son and our baby could have the second double room and my daughter have the small room. This might be where I’m being selfish as I won’t compromise on my daughter- the room was hers to begin with, I don’t want her impacted by my choice to blend a family. She was happy to move in with partner and son btw and they all get on well so there’s no issues there. But I also selfishly don’t see why I should impact my daughter for someone else’s child.

We left it like this until this week where he’s realised the move is imminent and he’s now decided he wants to move to the three bed house with me. He said he doesn’t want to live apart from me and our baby- and I don’t want to live apart either. However, I’ve now planned to have a bedroom for each of my children. I going back to work this week, our 1yo is starting nursery, he’s a light sleeper and for the sake of both of us I think he needs his own room for a good nights sleep instead of us waking each other up in a shared room.

my partner has now decided he’ll convert the integral garage for his son so that he’ll have plenty of space. I initially said this would be ok but I’m now feeling uneasy about this too. He’s planning on doing this renovation himself. I didn’t think much damage could be done until he said he was planning on taking the garage door out and getting our friend to fit in some french doors so it would look more like a room. I have two issues with this:

1- friend has done work for me before and it’s shoddy. I worry what the finish of this DIY project will be.

2- the garage door was only put in a couple of years ago, it was expensive, it’s remote electric and matches the front door. The garage was newly rendered and it all looks smart from the road.

AIBU to say no to this project? It feels selfish and I’m basically saying I won’t allow a room to be made for DSS. Creating the room allows us to stay together and still have DSS over to stay. Surely lots of people would do anything to keep the whole family together.

i feel selfish, but also a bit angry that everything has fallen to me- childcare, bills, providing a home. Now I’m potentially damaging my home, my only asset, so that I can house his son.

I realise the phrase ‘his son’ sounds horrid from a step mum and it’s not a reflection of how I am at home. I care for him, treat him the same as my daughter and son. But in reality he has a mother and father- and it feels like his father’s job to ensure he has a house big enough for his family.

If the garage was converted professionally I think its a good idea because it will increase the value if your property. Where I am an extra bedroom is much more valuable than a garage which is always just used for storage anyway. And it means you won't have to move as you sound as though you like the house.wnd area .
But if it is a botched do it yourself job it won't work.So if you all really want to live together you should tell your husband he should take out a mortgage to pay for it

I don't know what the alternative would be as you don't want the step son to have the small room and there is no other room in the house for him.
So to me it sounds as though it is either get the garage converted ,buy another house now or break up

OP, you would end up much better off (financially and in terms of burden of work) living in your house with your DD and your baby without your partner.

Your partner would end up much worse off (financially and in terms of burden of work) having to house and care for his DS without you facilitating.

This demonstrates how much you have been carrying him and how inequitable the split has been.

[And This is without taking into account the fact your partner should be contributing for your baby.]

No words are going to be able to demonstrate to your partner how much he’s taken you for granted in the way that letting him go it alone for a few months will. You hold ALL the cards here. Step back and let him provide for his son and solve the problems he has created.

I would not sell your house. I would have to question whether you really want to be with him since the only solution you seemed happy with was the one which meant him moving out.
If if was me and I was serious about the relationship, I would go down the path of converting the garage, but with someone reputable doing it and maybe not at first. To start with, I'd personally keep my baby in my room for a few more months.
Failing that, him renting out his own house sounds like a good idea.

I think you would need to get planning permission to convert the garage. I know of several garage conversions and they have had to keep them looking like a garage with the garage door still in p lace. Also garages are usually single skin so would need a second wall inside to make them insulated, keep out damp etc. Plus I definitely wouldn't want a bodge it job!!!!!

if it's only temporary I would have your baby sleeping in with you and let your SS sleep in the small room, as originally planned.

Look up the regulations for yourself before you speak to him or he'll tell you it'll be fine. When you come to sell without building regs approval it'll be a nightmare and it'll be all on you as the house owner

this may have been suggested as no time to read all the thread, however, can you stay there with the short term solution of Dd sharing with you and dss sharing with DH and have a proper builder, never a friend, a proper company, do a loft conversation for 2 bedrooms and bathroom in the loft so all 3 dc will eventually have same sized rooms? Make the small room into a study/room for gaming and maybe eventually get an other living space made out of the garage?
Selling a house in your name, in a good area with a one settled child is madness.
DSS would also be unsettled with the repeated moving.
DH has burnt through his deposit and has you doing his domestic work, childcare etc, do not sell up and make your house work for you and improve it for resell by adding space.
If DH cared about being on the property ladder he wouldn’t have spunked his deposit up the wall.

I can hear your frustration @Moorside111 , but I would just how lovely it is to hear a woman taking the sensible route to protect herself and her kids when thn allowing “love” to carry them along. Sorry if that sound patronising but it’s true.

Your DP should have got his shit together and sounds like he’s had plenty of time to do so. I wouldn’t allow your only asset to be devalued by a shoddy conversion, or even a good one as it’s not the kind of change that will add value to that type of property. I totally get why he’s standing up for his son, which is admirable, but it’s fundamentally unreasonable for you and your daughter in the circumstances.

Also please remember unless he has your son 50/50 he needs to pay you maintenance, I imagine that will go down like a bag of cold sick, but it’s only fair ( I would argue he isn’t pulling his weight now as you pay 50/50 and you do more of the care) but suspect that would be a step too far fr you.
Good luck, it all sounds very difficult.

This^

You need to think of your children and their futures. No way would I tie my finances up with someone so fiscally irresponsible. He has spunked his profit from a house sale away and is a higher earner, and you are providing him with a financial cushion as well. That’s called financial abuse.

He only suddenly wants to move in as it is suddenly becoming clear to him how much it will cost to actually fund himself and his child to live. LET HIM! He needs a wake up call but I wouldn’t be letting him move in or doing shit to the garage.

You need to check with your local planning department that this is permitted! Generally it is but there are exceptions!

I don’t get the comments about doing work on the house. Even if it looked like a good idea, if someone needs a loan, the increase in value will wiped out with interest payments, especially at a time, when property pricing seems to be dipping. Fair enough for your own family. But not when the ‘need’ has arisen because your dp didn’t bother to sort accommodation out for him and his son.

Let him find his own place to live i.e. not your house.

The OP has offered a solution but because the DP wants his son to have the best bedroom, everything is now up in the air. Which makes me think there would be an expectation for DSS to have the best bedroom in any housing situation?

Your 'partner' is very good at spotting unfairness. To himself. To his son.

But seems less concerned about fairness to you. Has he explained how he is going to make a fair contribution to your house deposit when you come to buy in future?

Or has he decided that just isn't going to happen?

You already said you haven't discussed how you'd split bills. Interesting, because he's good at suggesting things that suit him - the garage/your daughter having the smaller room....

But he's silent on financial stuff. Please have this conversation early. I wonder if he sees this arrangement as a way to continue to burn through money.

BTW do you know what he spent the house deposit on?

You are lowering your standards for this man, and potentially taking out your issues on a child instead of him.

personally I would tell him to make his own arrangements, things are completely unbalanced and he isn’t contributing.

but if you make the decision to live with him in these circumstances, that’s on you, and his child, your sons sibling must be considered as an equal member of the family.

he needs space to call his own if you remain a family of five. If you want to continue this mess that’s your prerogative, but that doesn’t mean his son should be the poor relation due to adults making poor choices.

all children in a home are equal family members.

I can hear your frustration , but I would just how lovely it is to hear a woman taking the sensible route to protect herself and her kids when thn allowing “love” to carry them along. Sorry if that sound patronising but it’s true.

Eh? What like putting herself in this position in the first place and having another child with him? What's sensible about that?

Can the baby share with dd for the year until you sell and dss have the smaller room?

Live in your house with your kids. Your dp and his son can find their own housing. No way should he convert the garage into a room - planning permission needed, the imposition of the shoddy diy, your house going down in value. He is a leech. He can pay towards you looking after your baby to include nappies, household bills etc. Why have this man pissing away your cash and house asset just as he’s done to his own money?

This. Please protect your assets and your daughter’s inheritance

Sums it up

Bottom line is that this isn't a good partnership. He's taking advantage of you.

Don't buy with this man. Don't sell your current property.
Don't marry this man and let him take half your house.
Make him pay bills proportionately to your wages. Indeed ler him rent separately and make him save up his share of a deposit again.

the only issue here is that DSS would still not have his own room and considering he’s with us 2/3 nights a week I don’t think this is fair

Well, there has to be a compromise somewhere, you can't both have what you want at the moment.

But this is only a temporary situation, as you are wanting to sell the house! Several options have been suggested, just choose one and get on and make it work.

Don't risk a quick house sale by destroying the garage.

I'm shocked by the fact that the relationship could potentially break down because he doesn't want his son to have a smaller room in a house where he only lives 50% of the time.
Does his son feel the same. What does he need a big room for?
I didn't have a room (or at times even a bed to myself) until I left home at 17. It wasn't ideal but I sometimes wonder if spacious bedrooms with all the technology they like creates the situation of kids spending huge amounts of time alone on screens and social media that is causing so many problems for young people today.

Not fair on him, not fair on his son… but he burnt through the money that wouid have secured his son’s accommodation whether in a house or as a payment for the proper, refs compliant conversion of the garage.

If I were a betting woman I would bet in a few years you would start to see more and more how you carry this man and he is turkey. being pleasant is a bare minimum quality - what does he bring to you or do for you?

To be blunt, I think he's a cocklodger who saw you coming. I wouldn't let him move in and I'd tell him to sort out somewhere for hiimself and his son to live. He had the money for this, and spent it. He's clearly taken a lot for granted.