Household chores.

[Jessiep23]

I have a question…..
You are a SAHM not by choice but had to stop working your part time job due to your ASD/ADHD child being unable to cope in school and going into a reduced timetable and you are driving back and forth to school daily 20 miles away.

The husband leaves home at 6.45am and returns at 5pm he loves his job, it can be physical but not too bad generally.

Who should do the lions share of the housework? I do 95% of it, he will load dishwasher after dinner and he does the garden and puts the bins out once a week and cooks once a week THAT IS IT!

I’m exhausted, burnt out and struggling! Advocating for a SEN child is hard.

I tell him how I’m feeling and he says ‘but you are not working’

I’ve said about having some time for myself to start a hobby and he said where is my time 😡.

I’m really questioning things at the moment.

Thanks 🙏🏻

What hobby do you want to do?

Don't ask, tell him that you're having x amount of time out of the house and he's doing the parenting. If he protests then tell him fine, let's see what splitting up looks like and you'll get child support and full weekends free.

Or if you want to go full on, tell him you're leaving him with the bairn and you'll get every other weekend, work and pay CM.

Advocate for yourself because you can't do it all or you'll burn out.

So how many hours per day is your dc in school?

You should both work 6:45am-5pm in your respective 'jobs'. Anything that's left after that should be shared out equally. You should both get the same amount of free time.

How much time do you have at home sans child once you've allowed for the school run? How much time do you have to actually do stuff in the house?

1.5 hours per day! I wait at school as not worth the drive home as will be time to come back once I got home.

He will parent and put the kids to bed etc, then he’ll just sit down on his phone.

I’m not sure about a hobby, but I don’t do anything for myself.

Block time to go and do something for yourself when he is around. It doesn't have to be a hobby. It could be an hour in a cafe with a nice drink and a book, or a swim. Tell him you're busy in that slot and he's parenting then.

Time in school is 1.5 hours, drive there is 30 minutes there and 30 minutes home. I don’t come home whilst child in school as not worth it. Rest of the time they are home with me.

In the evening he will do the dishwasher, bring up washing- won’t put it away and put the kids to bed! He won’t see or do anything else. He said ‘I have all day to do it’

He needs to walk a mile in your shoes. When does he do AL? He needs to do the school run for a few days.

And everything else. Yanno to prove how easy it is.

I would be using that 1.5 hours every day to do something I liked. A walk, an exercise class if possible, brunch, meet a friend etc

How many kids and what are their ages?

So your husband is out the house for 10.25 hours a day. You're out the house for 2.5 hours which includes an hour where you get to sit and chill out.

What about the other 7.75 hours when you're at the house with your child? Dies your child require attention every minute of that or can't you get on with the housework?

And when he throws back ‘when’s my time’??
Even though I’ve told him so many times to go out but he ‘can’t be bothered’

You must be joking, I couldn’t even get him to use annual leave for school holidays.

He can’t do the school run anyway as he’s already at work by then.

Can you get on with stuff when your DC is home or do they require constant care?

What do you do in the 1.5 hours your DC is at school? That would be a good time to look into a hobby or a bit of downtime. Or use this time to do all the admin stuff that needs doing to clear one job from the list.

I don’t think sitting in a school reception is chilling out!

No the child doesn’t require 24/7 attention.

So you think I should do all the housework and my husband can just dismiss my feelings?

I’m not even asking him to do a huge amount just from 5pm till the kids go to bed we should both be working where needed not him on his phone.

I have to stay on site unfortunately so have to sit in reception.

If he works for 6.45am and returns at 5pm 5 days a week that's long days. I'm guessing the backstory is he won't share the load 50/50 caring for your child, so you can work more hours and split the housework more evenly?

Yes and the OP is having similarly long days.

the point is that he gets home and potters around while she’s still carrying the load of everything

do you do his laundry? I’d stop doing that for a start.

Totally fair, I would expect to be able to go to a yoga class at least twice a week @Jessiep23 something where you can switch off.

my husband works full-time, but I’m working full-time too — caring for our neurodivergent child, driving 40 miles a day, managing school issues, emotional support, and doing 95% of the housework. I don’t get breaks, a lunch hour, or time to myself. It’s relentless.

This isn’t about who works longer hours — it’s about sharing the load fairly based on what each person is actually doing. I’m not asking for luxury, just not to burn out completely.

Surely as this was enforced on you it is time to say it isn’t working. Can’t you both go part time so the split is more even? It is all very well saying you have more hours in the day to do stuff but that was never your choice. It seems like you have compromised a lot to address the needs of your child whereas his life has just carried or even got easier as he assumes you will do all of the household tasks?

Too right, I’m working 6.45 to 8.30pm. He does get home and potters, showers and relaxes on his phone.
It’s about the disrespect and how he downplays me when I bring it up.

Absolutely. He says ‘I’m not working’ he doesn't think he should be working and then coming home to clean the bathroom.

When I ask for help he invalidates my feelings by making it about himself and his time and how he’s feeling.

100% agree with you and apologies if you thought I was questioning that you weren't working full time caring for your child. My point was that he's never offered to reduce his work hours to look after 50% the workload at home, with your shared child, so you can go back to paid work part time if you wanted to? I feel like that will influence the responses you get.