For commenting (or not agreeing) on friend's DD's weight?

[SpryPinkZebra]

For context, my DD (A) and friend's DD (C) are both 14 and they've been friends since starting primary school and we've also been friends since then.

C has always been on the bigger side but since they've gone to high school, she has put on a lot of weight to the point i'd say she is now signifiantly overweight (I don't mean that in an unkind way but simply objectively) to the point that A has commented on it to me.

C's mum (J) has always had a bit of a blind spot about this and has regularly made comments around the subject that show a bit denial. Exampls being complaining about it being 'unfair' about bigger clothes being more expensive or the regular one of criticising C's dad when he's brought up the topic of her weight with her.

I've done my best to just stay well out of it and nod along as I know its a minefield. However J was round at mine this afternoon and again brought up something C's dad had said regarding her weight and finished by saying something to the effect of 'he's just ridiculous isn't he?'. I know i would have been best off staying neutral, but a couple of glasses of wine probably hadnt helped, and i just said 'I know it gets on your nerves but he is her dad and i can see that he's concerned about her'. J then responded saying 'what does that mean?'. I knew id probably put my foot in it at this point but i just said 'i'm just saying he is her dad and it's natural for a parent to worry about something like weight'.

The mood changed straight away and she finished her drink and left. Then a couple of hours later, shes sent me a text saying that i'm 'completely out of order for commenting on C's weight' and that i should 'keep my opinions to myself'. I havent replied yet.

I know my mistake was not just staying neutral with the whole thing but at the end of the day i was asked an opinion, and if i'm honest if it was my DD i would be concerned about it (though accept its not really my place to be concerned about someone else's DD).

Im actually quite annoyed about the whole thing but am i actually BU over the whole situation (saying anything in the first place and now being annoyed over it)?

Well she did ask you and I think you answered in the most diplomatic way you could. She knows full well her DD has a weight problem otherwise she wouldn't keep mentioning it.

YANBU. Weight is a minefield. She put you in the position of having to reply to the comment, then didn’t like it when you were honest. She’s obviously in denial and wanted you to agree with her.

YANBU - she asked you!

It's a tricky one, as like you say, she seems to be in denial.
I'm guessing she just wanted you to nod and agree with her, but sometimes being a good, supportive friend necessitates NOT just going along with someone's skewed narrative.

thanks all for your replies so far! Honestly that is how I feel - it isnt something i'd bring up myself but i was literally directly asked about it! I guess its not helped that J is quite a strong character and i'm less so, so i could be better at standing up for myself.

She asked you so you are in the clear, and if a friend asks about something I think that unless there’s a very good reason not to be, one should be honest.

I think all you can do is respond by saying, I think X is a beautiful girl. I’d never offer an opinion on anything like this, unless asked - and you did ask me.

I think your reply should remind her that you didn’t just give your opinion, she asked you for your opinion on her husband’s comment…!

maybe ask her why she’s being over sensitive about it if she genuinely doesn’t think C’s weight is an issue? (although that is argumentative- but I’m cross on your behalf!)

'I'm sorry you feel that way, but you raised it first, and I only said that as her dad he has a right to an opinion'

Plus if brave

'You could ask the nurse at the GP to give you both a medical opinion to see whether he is right to be concerned'

You didn't say anything about her weight, just amsaid dad was entitled to be concerned

she's obviously sensitive about it which means it needs addressing

Haha i think i'd be very brave to make that suggestion! But you are right, i don't think she'd like what she would hear at all

Agree with a lot of the comments @SpryPinkZebra she asked you. I would at least point out that you did not comment but merely responded to her and otherwise you would have said nothing. Something like ‘sorry you feel that way, but I did not comment - you asked me a direct question’

I think id tell her that "This is awkward because I really don't feel comfortable discussing other peoples bodies , especially children, so really wish that it didnt keep getting brought up. That you just responded to her asking you a question, and there was no insult or negativity there whatsoever"

She was fishing for backup but didn't get it. You're not being unreasonable, but I'd let her cool off unless as PP said you're feeling brave and you want to suggest GP to put her mind at ease/get an expert opinion. You don't have to be taken on her emotional ride, OP. She will traverse the highs and lows just fine without you joining in. I know it's difficult but she can't expect you to not say anything when asked. I hope her daughter is ok in all of this, she won't be unaware either.

I came onto this thread ready to say that you should wind your neck in and that you were BU to comment on your friend's child's weight. But having read your OP, it is actually your friend who keeps bringing the subject up, she invited a comment and you expressed your thoughts very diplomatically. So yanbu at all. But it sounds like this is a touchy subject for the mum and it might not be possible to repair the friendship.

She wanted your opinion as long as it aligned with hers!

I don't think you said anything wrong.

I think you said the right thing. Her mum really isn't helping her DD by burying her head in the sand. Do you know why she doesn't want to address it?

She's being defensive. I think you responded diplomatically and without claiming to agree on something you didn't. I would leave her be for a bit and see if she calms down and maybe (although unlikely) reflects that she should be worried.

YANBU. She shouldn’t have asked your opinion. She must see it too - she needs to help her daughter.

I’d point out that you have never actually stated your own opinion, you have always kept that to yourself. But she asked you whether the father was right and you replied that you can understand he has the right to have concerns about his daughter. You were commenting on his right, not what he said. I’d say you can tell it’s obviously a sensitive subject for her, so perhaps she could ask a health care professional - to put her mind at rest. And I’d say you’re a little bit upset at her comments to you. Point out that you always tried to stay as neutral as possible on the many occasions that she has brought the subject up.

You didn’t comment on her weight directly.

you pointed out that as one of her parents he has the right to be worried about her weight.

She started the conversation!

You were incredibly diplomatic. I wouldn’t apologise, I’d remind her she asked your opinion and I’d ask her not to bring her daughter’s weight up with you again.

Is she overweight too?

shes sent me a text saying that i'm 'completely out of order for commenting on C's weight' and that i should 'keep my opinions to myself'.

And you reply:
"I didn't comment on on her weight. You asked me if ex was being ridiculous and I answered that I thought he was just expressing concern. If you didn't want my opinion on ex you shouldn't have asked me"

YANBU - sounds like you were really diplomatic! Friend sounds like a nightmare and surely isn't doing her daughter any favours!

100% this^

Stand up for yourself and reply saying that you didn't mention Cs weight, and were merely pointing out why her ex might be being difficult over something so it's very unfair for her to say such a thing.

Ah OP. I can’t quite remember the saying but it’s something like - people don’t actually want to hear your opinions they want to hear theirs come out of your mouth.