For commenting (or not agreeing) on friend's DD's weight?

[SpryPinkZebra]

For context, my DD (A) and friend's DD (C) are both 14 and they've been friends since starting primary school and we've also been friends since then.

C has always been on the bigger side but since they've gone to high school, she has put on a lot of weight to the point i'd say she is now signifiantly overweight (I don't mean that in an unkind way but simply objectively) to the point that A has commented on it to me.

C's mum (J) has always had a bit of a blind spot about this and has regularly made comments around the subject that show a bit denial. Exampls being complaining about it being 'unfair' about bigger clothes being more expensive or the regular one of criticising C's dad when he's brought up the topic of her weight with her.

I've done my best to just stay well out of it and nod along as I know its a minefield. However J was round at mine this afternoon and again brought up something C's dad had said regarding her weight and finished by saying something to the effect of 'he's just ridiculous isn't he?'. I know i would have been best off staying neutral, but a couple of glasses of wine probably hadnt helped, and i just said 'I know it gets on your nerves but he is her dad and i can see that he's concerned about her'. J then responded saying 'what does that mean?'. I knew id probably put my foot in it at this point but i just said 'i'm just saying he is her dad and it's natural for a parent to worry about something like weight'.

The mood changed straight away and she finished her drink and left. Then a couple of hours later, shes sent me a text saying that i'm 'completely out of order for commenting on C's weight' and that i should 'keep my opinions to myself'. I havent replied yet.

I know my mistake was not just staying neutral with the whole thing but at the end of the day i was asked an opinion, and if i'm honest if it was my DD i would be concerned about it (though accept its not really my place to be concerned about someone else's DD).

Im actually quite annoyed about the whole thing but am i actually BU over the whole situation (saying anything in the first place and now being annoyed over it)?

Sounds a bit like she tried to trap you, because actually you didn't comment on her daughter's weight, but she still had a go at you as if you had done. She just wanted to have a pop at someone imo. Sorry you got dragged into it.

shes sent me a text saying that i'm 'completely out of order for commenting on C's weight' and that i should 'keep my opinions to myself'.

Hi J, we were having a conversation that you brought up. If you don't actually want to have a conversation about certain topics, just don't bring them up.

Also, when you do reply, make sure you remind her that you did not comment on her daughter at all. You commented on her husband.

I think I might tell her that I was angry with her too. Angry that she’d asked your opinion on something that is clearly a very sensitive issue for her, putting you in a position where nothing you could have said would have been ok, other than lying to her and saying her husband was wrong to be concerned about his daughter’s health.

And yes, be bold and say it would be a good idea to get a medical opinion on her daughter’s weight. That would settle all arguments.

Do that to advocate for her daughter in some small way. People who have weight issues in childhood often go on to struggle with it their whole lives. If they can be gently taught about healthy eating and exercise when they are young it is a massive benefit for them.

But equally important, say these things for your own benefit. It’s easy to slide into the situation where a friend continually complains about the same issue and not voice an opposing opinion to keep the peace but that invariably leads to frustration for the peace keeper and a feeling of always being right for the one doing all the complaining. Friends should be able to speak honestly with each other. They should also be able to say that a topic is off limits if there is no common ground. Have an honest conversation with her and if that makes her angry ask yourself if she is a person you want as a friend or just an acquaintance you’ll spend time with now and again, even if you know that time will largely be spent going over the same problems she has over and over again

She knows that her DD is overweight, but she wants you to disagree so she can feel better about it.

You did nothing wrong. Obesity in children is getting out of control and parents should be held accountable.

She asked for backup and basically wanted you to tell her that the dad was ridiculous for being concerned. YANBU.

If her DD was a healthy weight then it wouldn’t be mentioned and she wouldn’t be sensitive about it. This is often happens when small children become chubby - they often turn into very overweight teenagers and adults, rather than losing the “puppy fat”.

YANBU and this body positivity thing we are supposed to subscribe to for children is ridiculous.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Tbh I've slept on it now but i'm still furious about it!

To try and answer a few of the questions...I tend to agree that J is well aware that the weight is an issue. Shes quite big herself and a very outgoing personality, and C is very similar in personality and i suspect theres a bit of seeing herself in C.

Its 100% not something i'd typically get involved in but C's weight gain has become very noticeable. My DD commented on it to me recently after a shopping trip they'd been on and thats not something i'd expect her to mention to me so i was quite surprised, but it shows shes worried as a friend.

Personally i do think J should be taking her to the doctors over it, but I honestly think she'd avoid that at all costs. I think i know what they'd say to her and she would not take it well.

I think you were fairly diplomatic but honestly I’d try and ‘read the room’ and just not have answered her or changed the subject or even pointed out her daughters positive attributes avoiding weight saying she’s a lovely girl etc. commenting even indirectly about another child or persons weight is never a good idea or ends well. If she was your young teenager then you could have had an overall health not weight chat. And supported healthy choices and exercise but she’s not yours. So nothing to be gained from your opinion other than hurt. I think that would have been obvious really.

I dont think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

In life I believe don't ask a question if you don't want the answer.

Have you replied? I’d probably go with something like “I’m sorry you’re upset but I didn’t bring up C’s weight, I responded to a question you asked me about whether I thought her dad was being ridiculous for worrying about C’s weight. You asked the question and I answered that as her parent he has a right to his view. I don’t want things to be awkward between us and you know I love C.”

I wouldn’t double down on your wine fuelled hints that C is overweight

Out of curiosity, are the dad’s comments/worries constructive and productive or shame based?

I mean i obviously only get J's side of the story which paints him in a negative light, but i do know her dad a bit and while they're no longer together i really don't think he's a bad/nasty guy. I'd be very surprised if it was about fat shaming, i think he will have genuine concerns.

I’m wondering why her father hasn’t taken her to the GP if he has genuine concerns.

Its a good point, i don't know the exacts inas and outs of what he's said about it, only J's side of it. But it is at the point he really should.

Well she put you on the spot by asking a direct question, it’s not like you were freely dishing out your opinion.

Well given the mother has clearly shot him down over it already, then he's perhaps worried she's the sort of person that would limit his time with his daughter if he took her to the daughter given the mother has clearly already said NO!

@SpryPinkZebra sounds like the mother is avoiding the topic as if she takes her to the doctor, she would have to address her own weight issue.

Children don't just rapidly put on weight for no reason, so your daughter and this girl's dad are right to be concerned, and the mum needs to stop burying her head in the sand.

Or maybe he’s the type of father who is not concerned enough to actually do something about it. Any way you look at it it’s sad for the little girl.

OP, you handled it more diplomatically than I probably would have. I hope someone in this girl’s family is bothered enough to actually investigate what’s going on.

Thank you for the replies/advice everyone. I sent a message back to J this morning saying.

"I am sorry that you are upset by what I said. I didn't comment on C's weight as that is not my business to get involved in and I didn't bring it up at all, but you did ask me for my opinion and I stand by the fact that her dad is entitled to his concerns just like A's dad would be about her. I hope we're ok after this and please give me a ring if you want to chat x"

Not had a reply yet but hopefully this resolves things.

I do agree with this. Tbh just hearing what I do from J and my what my own DD has said about C's eating/lifestyle, its fairly obvious why theres been such weight gain.

Great msg to J. Honest
I hope she can get over herself, silly thing to spoil a friendship for

If someone asks for your opinion and you give it (in a diplomatic way, which you did), then that person then getting the hump and chastising you for “not keeping your opinions to yourself” needs a reminder that (1) she asked and (2) her child is overweight and statistically speaking, children who are overweight are more likely to go on to be overweight/obese as adults, so as a good parent she would be prudent to help her DD get on top of this now.

I think you read it wrong.

You thought your friend asked for your opinion but in reality she just wanted you to agree with her.

This is not untypical.

Is she a kind of forthright person who is proud that she "always calls it like it is?"

I find these people are normally the worst at being told the truth.

She's being patently absurd. If she's prepared to fall out with you about this then you shouldn't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong. She put you in an impossible situation, it's like the emperor's new clothes. You'd never have commented on her weight (rightly) but you were being asked to outright lie, and about a health issue.

Thanks for the back up all!

Personally I totally agree with the above but it's clearly a touchy topic. According to my DD after their shopping trip recently, C was buying a size 16. So its obviously a lot of weight for her age, not just a bit of puppy fat or whatever.

This is the best suggestion in my opinion. Really important to make it clear that you love and appreciate her DD’s good traits and didn’t mean to upset anyone without backtracking on what you said.

You did nothing wrong and answered as best you could. It's a her problem bot you. Don't feel bad or apologise. She needs to get a grip