Why are toxic men great in bed?

[Sexlessandconfused]

Slightly tongue in cheek (I think?). As you can see from my last thread about my sexless relationship, me and my friends were discussing this which led to a general chat about sex drives/boyfriends.

We were talking about past boyfriends/sex etc, and we all realised that the more a toxic/avoidant man the better the sex.

All of our best ever lovers were the worst actual people. The men that really knew a woman's body and have passionate pleasurable sex were the worst type of long term boyfriends.

Also the nicest/sweetest of men were the worst in bed. Not in a selfish kind of way but in a can't last longer than 2 minutes, not great at foreplay and submissive rather than ever take the lead etc.

Has anyone else noticed this? Also there were 7 of us discussing this last night so not a tiny sample of 2/3 people. Could just be a coincidence all 7 of us have experienced the same but I think there could be something in this?

I really wonder why as you think it'd be the other way around 🤔

In my experience it is the other way around. Others have said the same.

I do think some women associate sexiness with being a "bad boy" or an elusive type and this feeling can make sex more exciting even if he actually isn't that good in bed. In essence you've psyched yourself into thinking he's better than he is.
Lots of women don't mind a submissive partner either.

It can be a big ego boost to get an elusive, unavailable man to pay attention to you. That, plus the trill of the chase, is why they might seem more attractive.

Nah not in my experience. The two really toxic men I had sex with were horrible in bed, one of them being my recent ex. He’s obsessed with sex but is shit at it.

Not true here, my husband is an angel on the streets, a demon in the sheets 😂

Lovely, kind, morally and ethically thoughtful man who can make me cum for hours.

They're like toddlers; they can only acquire one skill at a time. Unfortunately, they got stuck on the sex skill and didn't move on the developing a good personality.

Surely it's just a selection bias in the sample? If they were toxic and also a crap shag, you wouldn't bother with them at all. So the only toxic men left in the pool of Men You Consider are the ones that are good at just this one thing. Nothing to do with toxicity automatically = good shag.

They generally aren’t. It just feels that way because it’s the only time they’re remotely affectionate, and you get a validation hit.

Good point.

I've had sex with over a hundred men and can confirm this is rubbish.

Being interested in sex and a woman's pleasure is not correlated to being toxic at all.

Mine too. The sex-obsessed ones tend to watch a lot of porn, which is an excellent training manual on how to be crap in bed.

God yeah I don't know but you're right.

I have had the opposite experience, but I’ve not slept with that many men, I just married the first one I could get my hands on who was good at sex and good person. My toxic ex was just into… weird shit. Try giving a foot job when you have dyspraxia and then getting yelled at about being bad at it. 🙄

My theory is all the will he want me / pick me stuff creates a lot of intense emotions and that just kind of goes with mad sex.

Also they are usually players so had many years to hone their craft.

My ex husband was as toxic as they come and took great pride in his prowess in the bedroom. He really was the best sex I have ever had.

It was were he got his validation from, he knew he was great in bed so that was his "thing".

Pathetic really because when faced with a woman who challenged him he couldnt cope and battered me and tried to strangle me on several occassions.

This has not been my experience.

Well if they are shaggers and not having long term relationships maybe they gained skills?

I think it’s because they (or we) move on before the excitement of a new lover dulls.

Some 'player' type men are good in bed because they have a lot of experience with a lot of women!

Perhaps shyer men are less confident and less experienced?

I’ve had exes who were a disaster in every other way but would happily spend ages making sure I was enjoying myself, actually listening to what I liked, and making sure I finished—sometimes more than once.

"Sometimes more than once" is a pretty low bar for great sex 😁

I don't agree with the original premise, for all the suggested explanations above. It's very much not been my experience.

I think the fantasy that you're taming them helps with the foreplay so they dont have to try as hard

Yes I agree! For me though unfortunately I think it’s the higher level of lust along with those type of men involving bigger highs (and lower lows) which makes the sex better when they “chose you” after making you feel shit for ages. Also they can be more direct which can be a turn on.

Also it’s easier to be good in bed than be a good boyfriend/in touch with emotions so they go for that

I guess because bring good in bed is a what their self esteem is built on. They don’t care about being the nice guy. So they work at being good in bed. The nice guys probably put more work into other stuff.

Mine was just so utterly gorgeous and there was so much chemistry that it was amazing even though at the beginning he was quite clumsy.

I've been with men who knew what they were doing so technically it was good but it was still rubbish because the chemistry wasn't there. I never understand women who think good sex is more to do with technique....every woman likes it slightly different and most men are far too rough for me and need teaching.

Could it be that the bad boys have less emotion in the act, hence their longevity, the men who actually care find it more overwhelming?