Higher earner’s contribution to house/kids/mental load

[Lellopizza]

Posting for traffic..tried yesterday in parenting but got no replies😢

I’m looking for input from other Mums who have a much lower paid job than their DP..what’s the balance like in terms of bedtimes, school runs, attending stuff at schools, admin, laundry, housework etc?

I work for myself - wfh 90% of the time. I work school hours and take most school holidays off to care for DCs. This flexibility is great but I don’t earn a lot. It also means when work comes in during hols, I sometimes have to do it when kids go to bed.
My DP earns a lot more than me and works 5 days-3 in office, 2 wfh.

For reference, I used to have a much higher-paid career which I hated. I love what I do now and recognise that my DPs salary facilitates me being able to earn less.

How many hours do you each work in an average week?

Do you have equal amounts of time to yourself?

Equal split in household jobs and childcare- we respect each other’s work regardless of salary. Do you work full time? What spilt do you have?

It’s not so much the salary as the job itself that’s relevant.

Husband earns far more than I do, but his job is actually less demanding than mine in terms of time etc.

He does at least 75% of the home/child stuff (not the spending time together child stuff but the practicalities - cooking, school kit, drop offs etc). He’s more than happy with it.

I'm the higher earner and I think wages is irrelevant, how many hours worked makes a little difference as if you're at home more there's more you can do, but doesn't mean the person working less does everything. When we're both in the house it's 50/50.

We're partners and we're working together to have the life we want with our family.

My husband earns just under 20 times what I do, very long and unpredictable hours with a lot of travel. I work full time but am almost always finished by about 6.30, no travel involved.

I run the house, all admin and finances, do everything for the kids, and am the default person for anything school related, laundry, meals etc. only a bit of cleaning as we have a cleaner twice a week. He does the garden, that’s all.

It’s obviously an odd split but there’s literally no way he could take more on at home so it works for us.

Holidays we take three weeks off at the same time and we have a week to use or take as we like. We can both buy AL with our jobs so not a huge issue.

I would say that only working part time, it would be reasonable for you to do the majority of the household stuff.

It’s not about money in our house, it’s about hours.

you should end up with the same amount of leisure time. It’s hard to regulate, but that is the goal.

You are in a very precarious position given you’re not married. He could up and leave and all the assets and potential you have built up TOGETHER with your greater childcare/hw contribution, would be his.

I WFH 3 days a week during school hours he WFH 40 hours FT. He earns x6.5 more than what I do. I do all school admin, probably about 50-60% house admin, I do 90% of the cleaning. I do the food shop and cook but I enjoy that so no hardship. He sorts all our shared car stuff, mortgage renewals and insurance stuff, I do utilities and vet trips/boosters. He also does 2 school drop offs a week but from September he'll do all drop offs and I'll do all pick ups. We split our A/l fairly to cover school holidays.

I work school hours, so 9-3 each day. However, as I work for myself, if I’ve work to do that doesn’t fit in that time, I’ll work once kids are in bed.
At the moment, I’d say I do 90% of all the house/kid management. I understand that given I’m at home most of the time, and work less, it won’t be an equal split but I feel like I need more balance and checking how others in similar situations work it.

Why don’t you buy in all the help you need with a fts plus 20xfts?

So say you do 6 hours per day and take away half an hour for lunch, you’re still working 27.5 hours per week. If your husband is FT, then that’s only another 10 hours more but you’re doing 90% of the work. I can see why you would want more of a balance. What does your husband currently do in terms of household chores/childcare?

I’d say that working all school hours, plus 90% of childcare/hw would not likely to be a fair split with a full time role (teachers are considered ft as they should be on account of all the extra work) plus 10% of childcare/hw.
you don’t seem to have any time off op, whereas he gets all weekend if he’s only doing 10%?

Equal. Leisure. Time.

I do buy in the help I need- our cleaner. Our system works well.

Salary level is completely irrelevant. Working hours do make a difference if there's a significant difference (I mean not 30 v 40hrs but 15 v 40 or 30 v 60).

It should never be all on one person though. It's breeds a sort of domestic laziness which at my age (late 50s) appears to then continue as a habit when hours reduce or retirement kicks in.

See above..9-3 each day but sometimes I’ll work when kids are in bed. This is interesting re time to myself. I’m by myself when I’m working whereas DP for 3 days is in an office with colleagues. Leisure time I’m not sure..I’d say it’s a fairly even split but we don’t keep track. Do you?

50/50 when we aren’t working. Dh is self employed working FT and under normal circumstances I usually work about 80% (5 days, roughly school hours). I think that is similar to you. (At the moment, I’m off work due to cancer).

If I’m the one home, I do the kids and the house. So I do the school run, afternoon snacks, getting ready for any activities. Then Dh gets home and he’ll run them to all their activities, while I sort dinner. We eat dinner, Dh gets them in the shower/bath and dressed for bed. I do bedtime, he does all the tidying up, dishes, takes the dog out and puts her to bed.

We each have our jobs we do: I do the food shopping and Dh mows the lawn (it’s a big lawn), trims hedges, most garden care. I do most of the cooking, but he does all the tidying up and dishes. I do most school runs, but he does most of the driving to activities. He does most of the bills and dealing with things like sending in meter readings and the bins. I tend to do all the school admin, ordering school lunches, sorting costumes for the school play, buying new school shoes.

Particularly since I’ve been unwell, Dh does a lot of facilitating weekend fun so I can rest. Last weekend he took both dc camping. This weekend, he’s taken one on a cycling trip. It gives me a chance to sit down and rest on the weekends.

Obviously, if one of you works longer hours, the other one has to pick up the lack in the hours when they are the only parent at home. But when both of you are home, you should both be getting stuck in. Unless you’re a surgeon working 20 hour shifts, no one is so important and so tired that they can’t parent and run a household in their off hours, no matter how much money they make.

Thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry about your cancer.
I’ve heard of this split - your jobs/my jobs working for others also so may try this. Yes I agree with “no one is so important and so tired that they can’t parent and run a household in their off hours, no matter how much money they make.” It’s good to have the reassurance of others.
Wishing you all the best with your illness and treatment.

You should have around equal leisure time. So sounds like he should be doing a little more.

You still haven't said how many hours a week your partner works. I'll assume normal office hours.So that means he's working two hours a day, more than you. Across the course of the week, that amounts to ten hours. So I think you should be doing ten hours of childcare, housekeeping and mental load before he has to do any. Anything not done in those ten hours should be split equally between the two of you

In school holiday time, you should be doing 35 hours of these tasks before he has to do any. Anything above thirty five hours should be split equally.

I find your final comment about keeping track strange as the whole point of your thread actually is about keeping track of these hours.

How old are your kids? I have 4 children. But 3 are teens and youngest is 10. They need us much less now than 10y ago.

The answer is: Equal. Leisure. Time

How much time do you get to sit and watch TV? Scroll on your phone? Have a bath? Do something you enjoy?

It doesn't need a number, it needs a compariso to DH.

Im an assistant headteacher. I leave home at 6.40am, do not stop all day, and get home 7pm ish. DH works from home full time, flexible business hours. DH therefore has more time for the children term time than I do. In school holidays it swaps because I have more time for the children.

Both high earners but DH earns three times me. Both work in the City 3 days a week and 2 days at home.

DH does more of the ferrying around to various activities. I do more of the school drop
offs (because he does pick up and off to football/swimming/tennis). I do more of the mental load of organising presents/booking holidays/arranging social stuff/online food order. DH does all the practical stuff in the house and garden and the household utilities and finances.

We both feel like we are equal in terms of sharing the load. Tbh when I was part time the main difference was I did more childcare and now I’m FT DH has had to step up on that front.

I work full time from home in a pretty undemanding job, husband work v long hours in a very stressful job and earns 3 times what I do.

I do everything for our disabled DS and also everything housewise. I do have a cleaner and gardener though. I am chronically ill and my parents who are 5 mins away are needing more and more from me.

Some days I feel like I can’t cope but I just power through as I feel I should earn while I can. I will be relying on DH in retirement as I gave up my high earning career as we couldn’t both be away after DS came along.

I have a pension but nothing like what his is worth and we are older so no time to save more. If I need anything he will give me the money but I do sometimes think he is spoiled and that I carry the mental load. But I choose to stay and we have been through a lot.

I don’t think he appreciates me BUT I do know I could not do this completely by myself. I was brought up to shoulder the burden as a woman. I’m still better off than my sister who has an unemployed addict for a DH.

hes Taking the absolute piss. You’re doing all the child rearing whilst he increases his earning potential and doesn’t pull his weight at home and you’re not even married.

start working full time and make him do half.