Higher earner’s contribution to house/kids/mental load

[Lellopizza]

Posting for traffic..tried yesterday in parenting but got no replies😢

I’m looking for input from other Mums who have a much lower paid job than their DP..what’s the balance like in terms of bedtimes, school runs, attending stuff at schools, admin, laundry, housework etc?

I work for myself - wfh 90% of the time. I work school hours and take most school holidays off to care for DCs. This flexibility is great but I don’t earn a lot. It also means when work comes in during hols, I sometimes have to do it when kids go to bed.
My DP earns a lot more than me and works 5 days-3 in office, 2 wfh.

For reference, I used to have a much higher-paid career which I hated. I love what I do now and recognise that my DPs salary facilitates me being able to earn less.

Why have you allowed him to undermine your earning capacity and financial independence?

Agree with above re free time. Does your dh 'love' his job like you do yours?
Is yours more of a life-style business so no challenges or stress, pick/what you do?

If you’re not married, can you afford to just work part-time?

Do you jointly own your home and any equity within it?

How much are you putting into your savings and pension?

Because all this time you’re ploughing 90% into parenting, you’re not freeing up time/energy to be earning, but your DP is. If he decides he wants to split tomorrow, would you both leave the relationship with equal financial status (house equity, savings, pension etc?) or would he have considerably more because you’ve been taking on the childcare burden?

Do you choose to work full time? With him earning such a huge amount I'm surprised you need to.

We were fairly equal earners but I don’t think it matters - the end result should be that you get equal time off.

It helps to divide whole areas eg I do laundry, you do shopping and cooking, I do sports kit, you do packed lunches etc.

I am concerned you call him your DP - are you not married? If not you are financially unprotected so please get married, it’s madness not too as the lower earner parent.

Also, unless he is really loaded (and you are married) don’t leave it too long before you go back to decently paid work, or again, you will be a poor old lady and that will be no fun.

Hmm we kind of see it that parenting is unrelated to financial contribution. I’m not sure how the 2 relate really. I earn probably 10-15% of what DH earns (hard to say as I’m self employed and DH’s annual take home can vary too). I was a SAHM for 8 years - whenever DH was not working, parenting was equal.
Now I’m back at work, DH does at least 3 bedtimes a week as I’m at work, and tbh he does some when I’m home too as I’m sat on the sofa/cleaning/cooking etc. DH does about half of the school drops and pick ups. He doesn’t need me to like leave meals or tell him what to cook etc. He packs the kids bags every night (I don’t because I think they should do it themselves 😆 DH cba with the last minute frantic stress before school). He gets bday presents for parties etc. It just is what it is, active parenting and wanting to spend time with your children.

People don’t just work cos they need to!

Otherwise we’d all be in finance..

I’m not sure I’ve ‘allowed’ him to do either. When I had kids, I dropped to part time-my choice. When I was made redundant, I decided on a career change and now do something I love - again my choice.
I do get what people are saying re being financially precarious as not married though.

I acknowledged that by asking if it was a choice.

I agree with others that earnings shouldn't come into it and it's about equal time to yourself and sharing the load.

However, I think the exception to this is if you are earning so little, at a job you love (and might do anyway), so the job effectively becomes a hobby. So, if you're not earning at least minimum wage at your job, I think you need to reassess.

The answer on here tends to be that everybody’s work is equally important so you should evenly split housework, childcare, take turns dealing with sick kids who suddenly can’t be in school so somebody has to miss work.

But for us DH earns way way more than I ever could - he is a very high earner and his salary pays for our lifestyle. I work part-time and enjoy making my own “fun money” but it’s not really relevant to our family finances.

So it would never make sense to endanger his job by making him miss important meetings or be too tired to function well, realistically even though we both work his job just is more important. That means I miss work when needed, and I do almost everything around the house with him stepping in when he can.

So I think you have to be realistic about whose job is more important!

My DH earns 3 times what I earn, both FT. I WFH twice a week sometimes 3 days, he WFH 1 day a week, he also works longer hours and often has to do more work when he gets home.

on his WFH he does school runs, takes DD to her swimming lesson although only for the last few weeks as her session changed and will probs change again after the summer holidays
on my WFH day, I do school run and a diff club, I also manage my time and get all laundry done on my wfh days (hanging the washing out while the kettle boils takes the same time as making a brew round and having a chat in the kitchen at the office)
whoever isn’t wfh does the nursery runs

DH also cooks more than me but I do all admin (household, personal, children)food shopping, laundry, cleaning in between our cleaner who comes every other week, all parties, I do more homework and dance practice with DD in the house but we do a child each at bedtime if we are both in
DH also does DIY and garden although he has outsourced some of this to a gardner
when DS starts clubs DH will probably have to do more clubs if we have clashes

but we are happy with our split and both get as much leisure time as we want

I can’t imagine doing your own laundry when your household income is half a million annually!!

Working full time hours, even if you was on minimum wage, you must earn +£22k so if your husband is earning just under 20 times that amount he must be on over +£400,000 a year!? You could have a cleaner, chef, gardener and nanny for all that surely, even in London/South East before someone says it! 🤣

I see lots of who has the more important job and who hates their job more, as ours for not contributing equally. Just because you have a job you enjoy and presumably your DP has a job he hates or indifferent to, doesn’t mean you need to do more work around the house. Unless of course you’re telling him he can’t possibly change his job and find something he enjoys.

It doesn’t really matter what anyone else does because we all have different setups, different commutes, different levels of flexibility and different levels of support (bought in or family). You’re asking because you feel it’s unfair. So what would feel fair to you within what works for your setup? It might not be possible for him to take on more of the childcare/school stuff due to his hours, so what can he do in terms of housework or admin? Being in charge of swimming etc can be done in the evening. I feel like the reason you’re asking if because you’re expecting your DP to have some misogynistic answer about earning more and contributing more to the household? So actually it’s probably better to ask him why he doesn’t value raising your shared children as a contribution to the house and family.

DH earns at least 15 times as much as me, often more depending on bonus. I wfh pt (about 10 hrs). He works in the office 5 days and gets the dcs up and dressed in the mornings, and gives them breakfast and takes eldest to school (5 min walk). He is home by 5.30pm and we eat dinner together, and we take turns doing evening tasks like bath, bedtime (usually one child each), homework, prepping snack bag for school. At weekends he doesn't work and we spend most days together on days out, and take turns ferrying dcs to activities or parties. He takes the rubbish out and we take turns doing laundry. We split different financial tasks. He tends

I do all school and nursery pickups, cooking, online grocery shop, weekday ferrying to clubs, admin for clubs, instrument practice, planning trips out and holiday camps, cleaning, sorting clothes and educational supplies. I have responsibility for the dcs during school holidays, although they often use activity clubs which run in school hours. Youngest is in morning preschool only so I look after her in the afternoons.

I'm happy with the split. I wouldn't want a ft pressured job, and I will have more time to myself when the dcs are both in ft school and holiday camps.