To struggle on holidays with Husband

[NewAgeGirl]

I’ve been married for nearly 30 yrs and love my DH very much. However the only time we don’t get on, is when we’re on holiday. For background he’s an extrovert with ADHD and I suppose I’m a bit of an introverted new age hippy who loves peace and quiet and my own space.

At home we can manage this perfectly well as we have the space in the house and do things independently but also do a lot of things together like walks/day-trips. We do share a lot of interests, these are lovely times together and he’s my absolute best friend.

However when on holiday, he turns into an easily irritated, angry stress monster and I come back a nervous wreck (I do struggle somewhat with anxiety due to a difficult childhood). I’ve found Yoga, meditation, solitary daily walks in the nearby woodland work brilliantly to manage it, but even the thought of an upcoming holiday can upend this. Now I wouldn’t care if we ever went on holiday again (I’ve travelled a lot in the past) but he’s often suggesting holidays which only end up with him getting stressed/angry/frustrated, either by other people, traffic queues, where we’re going to eat, which are all relatively minor things. He’s like a volcano about to blow! Now I know it’s down to his ADHD as does he, he is self aware and always looking to manage it on holidays, but I don’t think it’s possible. So he comes back wracked with guilt that once again his ADHD has ruined the holiday, and I come back a bundle of nerves & my anxiety is off the scale, plus I hate seeing him feel he’s failed. He’s wonderful in so many ways and sometimes I think we just need to accept our personalities don’t work in certain situations. No idea why he keeps suggesting holidays, I think maybe it’s a thing he feels he wants to conquer?

So AIBU to say no more holidays when he suggests it again? Happy to do day trips and if I want, I can do the occasional night away with the dog for wellbeing instead, whilst DH and my son can continue going on trips away together as they both love hiking/adventure stuff. My DS is incredibly thick skinned at dealing with it and just rolls his eyes! DH also has a good school friend who he occasionally goes on cycling breaks with. Problem is, I grew up with an angry, very violent and toxic parent, so I do know I’m probably oversensitive to sitting on eggshells awaiting the next angry outburst, so it’s a bad combination with both our quirks and perhaps we just need to be realistic about it.

Why would you go on a holiday you know you won’t enjoy, it’s literally binning money.

What types of holidays have you tried?

Does he manage to spoil his cycling holidays with his friends too, or is it just holidays with you and your son that he is wrecking? I would take your son on holiday without him.

Do you enjoy the hiking trips or are you happy leaving them to do that without you? What is different for him about a hiking or cycling trip compared to the holidays you've tried?

I think you have to be honest with yourself and your dh : you have PTSD from your abusive childhood and his loud/angry/out of control behavior triggers it and sends you spinning back to “trauma time” when you were experiencing male anger.

HE can do the work to calm himself (grounding, deep breathing, meditation, therapy) to make him a pleasant partner for you on trips. Or you can opt out. you should not be obligated to travel with someone who can’t do the eork to manage his own emotions and behavior.

I highly recommend Pete Waller’s “compkex PTSD: from surviving to thriving” as it may help you deal with your Cptsd in your daily life. Also The Body Keeps The Score.

What sort of holidays do you do with him?
Why are there traffic queues and stressful dinner choices?
Why not plan a holiday that avoid things that trigger you both - while giving you nice experiences….?

Say a beach hotel - somewhere in Mediterranean? —- No traffic to deal with. He can bike or hike, while you lounge by a pool. You can take a walk by the beach to decompress. And have dinner at the hotel.

Fantastic comment!

Your poor da having to be thick skinned from his miserable father. Why does he need all this grace just because he has ADHD? He is ruining it for everyone and it is entirely up to him to sort himself out or not go.

why should you also never have a holiday just because of him. If you must, get separate rooms and let him blow his top in his own room and only if he is reasonable to be around then he joins you and ds. He is also manipulating you by coming home and then realising he ruined the holiday and all remorseful.

he has the issues, he needs to provide the solutions.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be on holiday with you OP. If he can holiday with his mate without turning into a total prick, then I doubt it's just the type of holiday that's the problem.

It's much easier to manage adhd when out cycling and stuff.

It's all the expectation with "normal" holidays and the transitions, lack of control over the environment, etc.

That said, he knows and you know it doesn't work currently. Have separate holidays, days out, stuff that's more manageable. Long trips are like an extended job interview, you try your best but run out of steam.

I thought I'd got it sorted with all the deep breathing but now people pick up on that instead!

And as someone who also had an angry DF, get the kids help now and sort your own issues out as well. Crappy Childhood Fairy is an interesting watch.

Send DH amd DS away hiking and book yourself a lovely yoga retreat 🧘‍♀️

Reading this makes me so sad. Having to manage his moods and temper is outrageous. What a prick. Not a chance I'd go away with him again, and I'd be considering showing him the door.

Why not holiday separately, either with or without your DC?

Perhaps travel to the location separately, be slerate when packing, etc

Would he find an all inclusive less stressful?

Another who suggests you go and do separate things for your holidays.
It seems you already do to some extent, so just accept those are the ones you enjoy.
Or perhaps compromise by doing something like getting a cottage in N Wales / Scotland / Lake District and then you can spend your time reading on the beach or looking round a castle and he can go off mountain biking or climbing or hiking for the day and you spend the evenings together but not 24/7 ?

This.
Does he behave like this with his friend or save it for you and your son?

Not normal behaviour.
It doesn't sound like ADHD either.
Just another arsehole man who likes everything revolving around him.
Don't count on your son being so thick skinned not to notice his father is extremely selfish.

I think you are wrong to be allowing your child to be exposed to this and so easily dismissing the impact it may have.

Good men do not behave like this.
Narcissistic arseholes do.
They ruin every holiday.

Thanks all, I should firstly say, the very violent & abusive parent was actually my mother. My pathetic Dad just hid it from everyone and expected us to keep quiet. I’ve now been no contact with both of them for a number of years and this has been the best decision I ever made.

So yes, when DH is away with a friend, I think he must behave better or his friend is very tolerant (possible as he’s known him since young childhood and is very easy going), or maybe family familiarity makes him make less effort with us and I think this could be a very valid point. I’ve no idea why he suggests holidays together, it’s obviously not good for us and costs a lot of money. I do also go away occasionally with our daughter when she’s back from University and we have a lovely time. My personal take is he can’t cope with holidays, new routines, staying somewhere different and that make him stressed, in normal life at home he’s really not like this. He’s very busy brained as I call it and can’t sit still, but not angry. And when I say traffic queues, I’m talking normal busyness, busy car parks at tourist locations etc. Neither of us like beach holidays so that’s not an option and I don’t like holiday ‘resorts’ as such, generally too peopley. We’ve usually done activity or city breaks, both in the UK and abroad.

But I also think on holiday you can’t have your own space so much, and I do struggle with that.@Bikergran you’ve hit the nail on the head, and this is what I would like to do in future.

TBH, going on family holidays feels like something you’re pressurised into, because everyone else does it. A bit like Christmas where you’re all meant to have this fabulous day with your extended family, whereas in reality a lot of people struggle. So I’m thinking if we enjoy other ways of spending time together and holidays don’t work for us that's fine. But I then worried, I was being selfish making this decision. Thanks for the feedback, it’s really helped me realise it probably is the right decision to not do holidays again and I’ll definitely stick to my decision and not feel pressured to try again.

I also wanted to add, DH has been amazingly supportive & understanding with my dysfunctional family and childhood. Always there for me. I know he sounds like a complete Dick when I describe how he is on holiday, but he’s really not like this in normal life. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to holidays, just wish he’d stop suggesting them.

I've not had a holiday in years and we can totally afford one, it's just too cognitively challenging for both of us now, post-covid.

I do understand it from both pov. Don't set him up for failing but likewise, he needs to not be an arse.

Thanks for your comment, it’s spot on and I agree totally. This seems the most sensible way forward for us too now, we do have lovely relaxed days out together, just not holidays. It’s like he feels the pressure/expectation to be having a fabulous time and any little irritation becomes huge. There’s obviously something that triggers him when on holiday and the change in his behaviour then triggers my anxiety.

I go separately to get a break

Are you familiar with the First Rule of Mysogyny?

"1. Women are responsible for what men do."

It is NOT YOUR JOB to manage his behaviour.

He is not three.

He's perfectly capable of acting like a decent human being with his friend, it's just you who has to develop strategies for coping with him on holiday.

What the actual fuck.

Absolutely agree - stop going on holiday with him.

Let him go with his friends, your son if he can take it.

Go with your daughter, your friends, solo. And have actual FUN. You have a right to a nice holiday that doesn't involve you walking on eggshells, coping with tantrums, trying to calm yourself.

I think the only way it can work is if you booked a villa where you can have your own space, own pool and he can take or hire bikes to explore and/or hike.

Majorca is a good place to start.

But YANBU to take your own trip if these holidays don’t work out for the both of you. A big part of marriage is recognising what helps keep you together rather than trying to change what drives you apart.

What a good question!

Why do you only think you deserve "the occasional night away"? Why not whole holidays without him? And he can do the same, with or without ds.