I’ve been married for nearly 30 yrs and love my DH very much. However the only time we don’t get on, is when we’re on holiday. For background he’s an extrovert with ADHD and I suppose I’m a bit of an introverted new age hippy who loves peace and quiet and my own space.
At home we can manage this perfectly well as we have the space in the house and do things independently but also do a lot of things together like walks/day-trips. We do share a lot of interests, these are lovely times together and he’s my absolute best friend.
However when on holiday, he turns into an easily irritated, angry stress monster and I come back a nervous wreck (I do struggle somewhat with anxiety due to a difficult childhood). I’ve found Yoga, meditation, solitary daily walks in the nearby woodland work brilliantly to manage it, but even the thought of an upcoming holiday can upend this. Now I wouldn’t care if we ever went on holiday again (I’ve travelled a lot in the past) but he’s often suggesting holidays which only end up with him getting stressed/angry/frustrated, either by other people, traffic queues, where we’re going to eat, which are all relatively minor things. He’s like a volcano about to blow! Now I know it’s down to his ADHD as does he, he is self aware and always looking to manage it on holidays, but I don’t think it’s possible. So he comes back wracked with guilt that once again his ADHD has ruined the holiday, and I come back a bundle of nerves & my anxiety is off the scale, plus I hate seeing him feel he’s failed. He’s wonderful in so many ways and sometimes I think we just need to accept our personalities don’t work in certain situations. No idea why he keeps suggesting holidays, I think maybe it’s a thing he feels he wants to conquer?
So AIBU to say no more holidays when he suggests it again? Happy to do day trips and if I want, I can do the occasional night away with the dog for wellbeing instead, whilst DH and my son can continue going on trips away together as they both love hiking/adventure stuff. My DS is incredibly thick skinned at dealing with it and just rolls his eyes! DH also has a good school friend who he occasionally goes on cycling breaks with. Problem is, I grew up with an angry, very violent and toxic parent, so I do know I’m probably oversensitive to sitting on eggshells awaiting the next angry outburst, so it’s a bad combination with both our quirks and perhaps we just need to be realistic about it.