Blowing rasberries. Should I be concerned?

[Hotandbotherd]

I have name changed due to the sensitivity of this post. I am anxiety ridden writing this!

I know blowing raspberries are a fun part of play with children. But how would you feel about a 'grandparent' (not blood related) allowing your 3 year old daughter do this on his bare stomach, kept lifting his top up for her to do it and giggling saying 'oh its all wet and tickles'

I was SA as a child and I don't know if this is me being triggered from my past or if this is alarming.

There has been other things with the same person similar things being 'playful' that i feel overstep the mark, like bum smacking. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I tend to step in and say things to distract my daughter away like in this instance I said 'your not blowing raspberries on granddads tummy are you!!!' And he stopped. This is in a room with other people that are clearly not faized by this.

I don't want to say too much more, but me and my partner are both on the fence with this but we are uncomfortable. We know if we say anything there will be a huge fallout with probably no coming back from it.

If someone came up to me and did this during my weekly ASDA shop, I know I wouldn't like it.

I'm often woken up at odd hours (3am-5am) by my cat sandpapering my face with her tongue (is this any good for removing dry skin?) and while some might think this is cute and affectionate, it is really a passive aggressive move on her part to wake me (normally because she wants me to get up and feed her Dreamies). Another tactic is pushing her nose into my ear and purring loudly... very loudly. I often dream there is a Boeing 747 in my bedroom about to take off.

Boundaries. She doesn't respect my boundaries... and I know she's grooming me (even though I feign deep sleep / being in a coma).

Best reply so far 😂

I’ve blown raspberries on my own children’s bellies when they were babies and they thought it was hilarious. I wouldn’t even think of doing it to a child that was not my own.
I’ve never ever seen a child doing it to an adult. Wrong in my opinion and trust your instincts.

If this is all there is I think you are overreacting. This all sounds very normal.

It may be, but being in a room of other people is in no way protective, it's actually a known grooming tactic.

I wouldn't like it and would put a stop to it, but without implying that the man is a predator. For instance, could you say "Don’t encourage her to do that please Norman, we’re trying to teach her about boundaries and people keeping their bodies to themselves." It doesn’t matter if he or anyone else thinks you’re being OTT. She’s your child and such things are up to you.

At the same time, teach your DD that this is something only babies do and you don’t want her to do it any more.

It's not up to the child to tell an adult they don't like being touched.

I feel like I live on a different planet from everyone Lee sometimes.

grooming. Sarah’s law. What a load of hysterical nonsense.

I do however accept that it was acceptable “in my day” and may not be considered so now. But when I’d do this to my nieces and nephews and cousins and was considered to be grooming them I’d be horrified. It was playing.

some of these responses are bizarre

You let your dn's lift your top and blow raspberries on your stomach?
Because that's what we're talking about.

It does feel a bit much to me. My family in general tend to be affectionate and there’s always been lots of hugging and kissing of little kids, kids sitting on laps etc. But not encouraging them to blow raspberries on adults’ bare bellies and definitely not any bum-smacking.

Blowing a raspberry on a toddler’s belly is pretty normal.

Lifting up your top and asking a three-year-old to blow raspberries on your own belly, as an adult man (which is what the OP describes) is quite different though.

I think the proof will be in the pudding. If you say , or write to them, that you've felt uncomfortable with some of the play and you are teaching child appropriate boundaries. You're asking everyone who cares for the child to please avoid (touching bottoms or chest, lifting up or removing clothing, kisses anywhere except on head /when greeting).

If they are genuine they will be fine with that. Especially as it's framed as helping her learn so she will be safe from anyone dodgy.
If he is abusive he will know you're onto him and back off, or explode and tell on himself.

I wouldn't like that. When they were younger mine loved getting raspberries on their tummy and I loved giving them because it made them laugh so much.

Sometimes they'd try to give them back to me, but id say no, I didn't like them. Even though perfectly innocent, it made me uncomfortable. Certainly wouldn't like a relative lifting up their top and encouraging a child to do it.

Exactly this. Asking a child to place their mouth on your body and telling them you like how “wet” it feels?? In what world is this normal, acceptable practice!?

You are well within your rights to feel uncomfortable about this OP and anyone who couldn’t understand that this discomfort demands a boundary (not an accusation of wrong intent, just a boundary) probably shouldn’t be alone with your child.

I do this to my cat. He loves it.

The most important thing is how it makes you and your dp feel. If you’re uncomfortable then that’s good enough, you’re the child’s mum, trust your instincts. Also I would absolutely put a stop to the bottom touching, give your kid some autonomy. I hate the way some people force this kind of ‘affection’ on children as if they have no rights.

You absolutely do live on another planet. Clearly one where you have never had to deal with SA as a child or an adult.

Child sex abuse is not hysterical nonsense and it’s people like you who are either ignorant to the facts, turn a blind eye or are just so naive is partly why this still goes on unseen.

Your reply is really quite disgusting.

I’d call this man out on it. The fact you know there will be a big fall out if you bring it up is the biggest red flag of all.

@Hotandbotherd I think there's much to be said for the notion that if it feels weird to you, it is weird and therefore it is not weird to ask for it and expect it to stop. How it feels to others hypothetically is completely irrelevant.

I disagree.

A lot of familial SA hides in plain sight because of this exact attitude.

You lifted up your top and asked them to blow raspberries on your stomach?

We do it to children because it feels funny. An adult should not be asking a child to do it to them. That's wrong on every level. Namely that, whatever the intention, adults shouldn't be asking for that level of intimate contact from a child.

This is exactly what I thought!

Playing weird games and testing the boundaries. Please do not leave your daughter in the care of this man!

Even if it’s all innocent, it’s still all so strange. SA is most often done by close family/ friends who have access to the child.

Bum smacking is absolutely not alright, it’s essential to teach kids that no one touches them there. Blowing raspberries isn’t such an issue generally, you have to listen to your instinct. This man isn’t helping your daughter understand boundaries whatever his intentions.

I think you just have to say clearly you don’t want X and Y because you want your daughter to have clear boundaries.

I've redirected a child trying to blow raspberries on my tummy by offering my arm instead, perhaps you can ask him to do that in future? You don't have to be accusatory, you can just say you are trying to teach her that nobody should remove someone else's clothing (except parents/caregivers/doctors etc).
..I just scrolled back in between typing and also like PP suggestion if saying she's tried to do it elsewhere so you are teaching her it's not appropriate.

I don't think it's necessarily sinister as much as ignorant, maybe even just trying too hard to be "fun grandad" knowing there isn't that bloodline bond. But it would still make me uncomfortable. (And of course, it could be more than that)

It doesn’t matter if other people think it’s normal it’s your child and your not comfortable so you’re allowed to stop it .