DP’s ex hates me

[Pinkdreams]

There’s a long standing drama with the me and DPs ex, she doesn’t like me, never has and blames me for everything, she’s very jealous and bitter, which is fine but she prevents me from actually spending time with their DD. We go through stages where she fine with us having her and then all of a sudden (usually if she doesn’t get her way or I don’t suck up to her), she’ll kick off and prevent contact, then it goes back to just DP allowed to spend time with her and this is usually a quick trip to see her after school or round to hers or something, if he tries to plan something for the day she’ll say they’re busy. Most recently DP was going to attend a school event for their DD and said he would bring our daughter, she said yeah fine as long as I’m not there, which I wouldn’t go to something no like that anyway as I know it might be awkward for the ex. I’m just ranting really, I feel so bad their DD has to miss out on seeing her sister (our DD) and spending proper time with her dad and his family, I’ve always been go good to her and treat her like my own, it really sucks that women can’t put their kids first. Will it ever be normal? We’ve had almost 4 years of this and it’s so sad.

Can your DP get a court order so she can’t keep messing around with contact?

I’ve been through this so many times with him, he simply won’t. He never wants to rub her the wrong way or put their DD through that, I’ve explained multiple times it would be in everyone’s favour but he simply won’t do it, he just keeps following her demands

Unfortunately you then have a DP problem. He is okay with ex running her life, DD's life, his life, your life, your DD's life. Which is outrageous! All so he can attempt to have a quiet life.

The emotional struggle for both children involved in this is awful. He needs to consider how lack of routine, suddenly dad etc disappear again at the whim of her mother will affect her and your daughter too.

He needs a court order. Take the control/power away from ex. Then the kids can feel settled abd know the routine. It may well bring drama and friction to the front, but in the long term it will reduce it for who matters.... BOTH kids that are involved.

At some point DD will have resentment with this situation... and depending on contact abd what is being told to her that resentment could be incorrectly directed at dad and damage their relationship.

If he won’t rectify the situation then there’s not much you can do… has he got regular hours or regular nights over, or everything is just informal?

It’s unlikely that the court order would withhold his contact, which is presumably what DP wants. Is he fretting re payments or something else driving not wanting to have an arrangement? It’s quite an odd stance to take, and one that you seemingly can’t force.

I know, I have explained this over and over. My biggest worry is that their DD will feel left out when we do things and she isn’t there (we do ask always), and I don’t want my own daughter to grow up not really knowing her sister, the mum actually told the daughter that she’s only a half sister and she isn’t important.

How would his dd be ‘put through that’ if he went to court to be granted time to properly parent? she wouldn’t be put through anything. The fact that he clearly cba suggests to me, that this situation is possibly very different from the pov of the ex.

@Pinkdreams not going to court is rediculous in these circumstances.
Id be telling him it’s actulay effecting his daughter more not getting it offical so everyone knows where they stand especially his child.
This is why these options are there for parents who can’t agree.

Also op I’d be explaining how it effects everyone Does he think of your child or you in all of this . Or just about his ex and her demands.
He isn’t making anyone happy except his ex and even then .

Just keep being the calm stable family that your DSD can count on. As she gets older she’ll be able to make her own decisions.

Oof that is hard! Again, DD is being put in the middle. Technically yes, your DD is her half sister. But really labels are determined by the relationship and the people involved. As their relationship ship grows the girls choose how they refer to each other (my dad had a mixture of half, full and step siblings, I was in my 30s before I found out this was true. They were just his brothers and sisters!)

This again just shows your DH is making an error. Comments such as these just fuel a large wall being built between DD and her dad's family.

His relationship with his daughter is more important than attempting to keep the peace with his ex. A court order will help that. Also, he has been trying to keep the peace for ages... how's it going? Not great or, kindly, you wouldn't be here!

How about you wait for a few responses and then get him to read what everyone says, sometimes an impartial third party can really help. It did for me when I was giving in to everything my ex wanted with the kids.

Sadly, it is what it is - unless your DP is prepared to go to court and sort out a proper access arrangement, you are stuck with her whims on whether he can see his daughter or not. His ex is probably not going to change but hopefully when his daughter is older, she will have more say in when she sees her dad.

Go to mediation if not court and get backups from the mediators who will explain the law and how it's not acceptable and agree a a fixed schedule. It doesn't have to be court.

It's a less contentious approach! And less expensive. Keep it child focussed etc.

I feel like the actual issue here, which is harder to say aloud, is that your partner won't deal with his ex officially and bends to her whims despite the impact on his dd, your dd, you etc.
Yes the ex is obviously difficult, but the problem you have is his inability to rectify the situation. You need to have a serious chat about this and what it means for all of you, rather than just looking at ways you can constantly patch it up/manage or change the exes personality - it won't happen, he needs to step up here. Court orders are there for a reason, he knows the answer, he's not doing it for some reason but that's the core of the issue here unfortunately- it's him you need to deal with, not her.

Do you have any formal or informal agreement?

My biggest worry is that their DD will feel left out when we do things and she isn’t there (we do ask always)

This sentence makes it sound pretty ad hoc. If custody of your dsd was being split formally, she would invariably miss out on something. That's the nature of blended family life. I wonder are you sometimes wanting dsd when it doesn't work well for her mother and because of the ad hoc agreement it leads to resentment?

If your partner would get a court order, he wouldn't have to worry about his ex refusing him access.

Is there a reason he's unwilling to deal with the legal system?

Is he paying child support through your system or is it an informal agreement?

Your partner is unwilling to take control by getting an official custody agreement so this is on him. He's letting his ex control not just him, but you and your child.

I think it's time to set boundaries. Her control is affecting your life and your child in negative ways and I would give him the options of getting an official custody set up or I would leave the relationship.

Your issue isn’t the ex, it’s that you started a family with a man who doesn’t have the guts to stand up for himself and his child. Because of this there are now 4 people (you, him, his dd, your dd) who lives by his ex’s rules. She has convinced herself that she has this kind of power and he is repeatedly confirming to her that she indeed does.

You have tried to get him to understand what it is he’s doing, he’s resisting change, so your option is to spend the next decade, or however long until their dd is an adult, livi g by the ex’s rules or get out and live in peace with your dd.

Does she tend to be a bit nicer when she wants a favour from you as well? A school pick up on her day maybe? If so I would start saying no. That way it helps break this cycle.
Your DP can also go to court to stop her from messing about with contact.

Why does she resent you so much? You say that she blames you for everything, were you the AP? Adults still need to be adults and put the children first, but it would explain her resentment. If that’s not it, then I think you need to work out the “why” she is doing this.
And then you need to p decide if you want your DD growing up in this position.

You’re making the classic mistake of caring more than he does. It’s the path to immense frustration, resentment and misery. He’s not willing to put in place the one thing that would make things easier, he’s not doing that for his DD’s benefit, don’t stand for that bollocks. Detach, detach, detach. If he won’t do it you need to stop caring so much. He can explain to his older DD why he didn’t fight for a better more consistent relationship with her, and to both the kids why he didn’t make their bond a priority. That’s all on him. Step back.

Even if that was the reason it's absolutely pathetic weaponsing her child. I genuinely think it's no excuse whatsoever

I have a friend in that position (has a child with an ex who cheated, now with that woman) and she makes every effort to ensure her child still sees the ex. Without weird conditions.

Adults need to grow up and put their kids first.

Which is what I just said, but thanks for reiterating it for me

If that's what you believe then I'm not sure why you asked. Because the point is, it is not relevant. The ex needs to grow up whatever the reason is.

Yes, it’s relevant. Doesn’t make it “right” but it’s still relevant

If I was the daughter, as she gets older, she going to feel like her dad didn’t care enough to fight for her.

It comes across as he isn’t bothered about seeing her. Otherwise why would he not? Why is the ex’s feelings more important than the daughter.

He needs to go to court, and fact he won’t will show his DD how she wasn’t worth fighting for. It’s pathetic really he allows her to call all the shots.

A CAO will put this all to bed. But clearly he doesn’t care enough about his DD to fight for that.