To be annoyed at this comment from mum

[Bethelightbebright]

So I've been coming out of a dark period involving depression and some circumstantial stuff. I was unemployed, binge drinking, over eating and was on antidepressants for a while. I gained a few stone in weight over a prolonged period of just being miserable and trying to cope.

Two years on: I've turned my life around. New job, quit drinking, started eating healthily and exercising, am attending a part time course that will help my career, have lots of new friends and just feel great. The future is bright and I'm happy again. The best thing is that I've lost almost 5 stone! I just did old fashioned calorie counting and am now a size 8!!!!!!!!!

So I'm so happy but last week I told mum that i finally got to the 5 stone mark and she said:

'But how did you let yourself get to that size in the first place?' I think she could see my face fall and she said 'I mean, you've done very well' but I feel like her first comment negated the second.

I feel really hurt that all of my hard work has just been dismissed in one comment. I just wanted to know if you agree that this was horrible or if you would say that to your adult daughter?

Sounds like what my mother would say. There will be other examples probably of your mother not beating your drum.

I'm NC with my mother, it chips away at you in the end. Always celebrate your kids.

Of course it's not kind. My mum unintentionally says bizarre things to me. We aren't close. I just hope I won't repeat the pattern to my dc.

Well done OP that is brilliant!!

You should have a look at the narcissistic mothers threads, as some of the posts may feel rather familiar.

You have to try and let it wash over you - it’s got nothing to do with you, or your achievements, she’s probably projecting some deep-rooted personal issue. You have to try to put it to one side and not think about it.

I’ve had a lot of similar barbed comments over the years and I have trained myself to just completely ignore them, and have a good laugh about them with my friends instead.

I think she said unkind things to me a lot growing up but she always told me that she was a kind person, if that makes sense. It sort of messes with your head. Like makes you doubt if I being too sensitive, which is what she always told me. There were lots of comments about my weight growing up. Pinch an inch and that kind of thing. I remember holding my stomach in when I was in primary school as she would tease me for my 'little pot'.

I'd be hurt too in that situation. Sounds like she spoke first and thought afterwards. Being charitable, have you never really spoken to her about how you did get to that situation in the first place? Maybe she has a lingering bewilderment about that, which got in the way of her delight (and politeness) that should have made her reaction a purely positive one?

Congratulations btw - I find losing just half a stone to be totally beyond me so am in awe of you losing 5!

Thank you! No she knows generally all of the events which led to my mental health falling apart. I think she is just disgusted that I 'let myself go' so much. That is the baffling thing to her. Like why couldn't I be one of those people who can't eat when they're depressed and get really thin instead 😄

Your hard work has NOT been dismissed. She doesn’t have that power. The fact is, you have lost 5 stone. It’s a fact, totally undisputed and proven by the scales and the way you look and feel.

My mum has a teeny tiny amount more tact than yours. But she too has zero filter. I don’t think it’s uncommon between a mother and her daughter (less so with sons). Mums often see their younger selves in their daughters, the better bits and the worse. In a culture where weight is so important, she will have noticed the weight gain and the weight loss and felt it personally. But she’s a separate person from you. Treat her as such - because clearly she says mean things to you.

Your mum sounds horrible, I grew up with the same sort of thing so you have my sympathy.

Susan Forward book helped me get to the stage where I DGAF.

But can I ask - how did the calorie counting work, cos I’ve been doing it since Feb, have only lost 1 KG and another that’s playing the Hokey Cokey.

I eat 1200 calories at least half the week, not a hell of a lot more other days yet the scales aren’t moving?

Am I lying to myself?

It’s a bit bitchy and sounds like it just popped out. The wonderful thing is that you know why it got to that state and you’ve done everything to fix it. She corrected it as soon as she said it but if you want to have it out with her you could just say ‘you know the other day…when you asked how I managed to get so overweight in the first place?….well the answer is depression Mum. I was depressed. I lost my way…simple as that. But now I’m better and I just want things to be uplifting and positive.

Congratulations OP. A brilliant achievement 💐💐💐

Hi! I tracked every single morsel that I consumed focusing on high protein, high fibre. I did eat starchy carbs but not often and not much. I tried not to eat after 7pm and generally skipped breakfast so my first meal was lunch. If I felt hungry between meals I would have water, coffee, fruit or a boiled egg. I tried to stay on track most of the time and was restrained during treat days too (but did indulge: I just got straight back on the plan as soon as I finished the treat). I did lots of fakeaways so pizzas on tortilla wraps or homemade curry with roasted squash and a garlic dip made from garlic and low fat Greek yoghurt. Basically I trained myself to only get sugar from fruit. It has become a lifestyle now and I feel horrible after cake!

I also got a smart watch and started getting my steps up every day. My first goal was 5k a day but now I'm getting 15k on a good day.

But to answer your question, I was ruthless in tracking and realised I had been lying to myself for years when I tried to lose weight before but don't know if that's the case for you. I have had an uncharacteristically razor sharp focus and learned that hunger is ok and to ride out cravings. I don't buy treats but I have this weird technique for this if there are some in the hoise eg if someone gives me chocolates. If I keep thinking I want a treat, I think about how long it would take to go into the room, open the packet and eat it and then I sort of sit and imagine it happening, and kind of close the case in my mind as the 'time is up' haha. Then I bin the chocolate if I can't give it away. I'm so glad I've been ruthless with myself. Two days ago I went shopping and a gorgeous size 8 dress just zipped up easily and I could not believe what I was seeing in the mirror. Every day of being strict with myself was totally worth it!

Sorry I went off on a tangent

When I lost the baby weight my mum said…

”Don’t throw away your fat clothes, you’ll need them again”

We’re great friends but she has form for such corkers!

I echo that. Also, some mums just have this tendency to be blunt with their daughters. My mum would hint that I was I overweight, but never comment when I lost it.

Nasty from your mother.
You sound amazing OP.
Well done.

With your willpower and determination you don't need her praise.
You really sound incredible.

Well done you for coming out of your funk!

Rappers have developed a particularly useful line for exactly the situation with your mum.

F*ck yo momma!

Works for me.

This is something my mum would say not to me my weight is "acceptable " but my sisters weight goes up and down and my mum always has something to say about it.

I am sorry she said that to you weight and food is probably entrenched in her and she is not that bothered about your feelings, its wrapped up as being honest.

Well done OP!! You sound utterly 😍

You've done so well to turn your life around, @Bethelightbebright. Your mum's comment was horrible, but please don't let it take away from how well you've done.

Well done you should be so proud of yourself. I would never make a comment like that however my mum would of done. I used to keep my achievements to myself as I always got a nasty comment. Just look at what you've achieved and hold your head up high.

Same here. My mother is obese and used to tell me that I obviously didn’t realise how fat I was. Don’t let her negate your achievement.

Haven’t RTFT but I wonder how much your mental health would improve if you cut down on your interactions with your DM? Mine improved 10-fold.

Five stone! That's amazing, well done OP. Thanks too for posting your tips, I would love to be a size 8 again.

Is your mum one of those types who doesn't like to think you might get "too big for your boots". Might explain why her congratulations are diluted with barbed comments. Mine is the same. It's as if she thinks saying anything nice will turn me into a vain arrogant beast so she needs to keep me self conscious and humble.

My dad is pretty obsessed with weight which is weird. He always comments on it (btw I'm size 8/10 and 50+ and I've been a similar size all my adult life) even if I put on a pound or two. He's just odd like that. He will say things like you look extremely fit/toned/well though.
He comments on everyone's weight though not just mine 😀

I think rather than concentrate on your mother’s hurtful comments, concentrate on your amazing achievements. You’ve done brilliantly and no comment can take that away from you.

No I’ve experienced similar OP and felt exactly the same as you ❤️

She's not a kind person. She was mean to you and gaslit you about it. I'm sorry