To be annoyed at this comment from mum

[Bethelightbebright]

So I've been coming out of a dark period involving depression and some circumstantial stuff. I was unemployed, binge drinking, over eating and was on antidepressants for a while. I gained a few stone in weight over a prolonged period of just being miserable and trying to cope.

Two years on: I've turned my life around. New job, quit drinking, started eating healthily and exercising, am attending a part time course that will help my career, have lots of new friends and just feel great. The future is bright and I'm happy again. The best thing is that I've lost almost 5 stone! I just did old fashioned calorie counting and am now a size 8!!!!!!!!!

So I'm so happy but last week I told mum that i finally got to the 5 stone mark and she said:

'But how did you let yourself get to that size in the first place?' I think she could see my face fall and she said 'I mean, you've done very well' but I feel like her first comment negated the second.

I feel really hurt that all of my hard work has just been dismissed in one comment. I just wanted to know if you agree that this was horrible or if you would say that to your adult daughter?

Some people don’t like to see others better themselves. It makes them feel like they should but they can’t be arsed!

Well done from me, glad you done it the honest way!
Not the cheat injections, calorie deficit and exercise 👌

you done a great job x

Just before I turned 30, I took on an extra job to earn some cash. Already had a busy career.
Saved up enough cash for a dress from Karen Millen and I was so looking forward to buying it.
The staff knew I was coming in for it, late night Christmas shopping, mum in tow.
I came out of the changing room, delighted, and two assistants told me it looked fabulous.
Mum? Well, Peggy, it will look even more fabulous when you lose half a stone.
I was a size 10, and weight nine stone at the time.
I have never forgotten it. What I WISHED I’d done now is replied.

Well done you!!

Sorry your mum is shit.

' well, I could blame it on you and my upbringing mum, but it would be a bit unkind to say it out loud wouldn't it?'

@Bethelightbebright congrats on all your achievements- that’s a pretty amazing turnaround. I hope to be able to emulate this myself. I’ve also had a bad run and am currently 2 stone overweight when the most ever I’ve previously been in 50 years is only a stone or so. On my tiny 5’ frame it’s really affecting me and so was inspiring to read your story!

Re your mom’s comment, yes very disappointing and I would be hurt also and was not at all okay for your mum to say this. I can relate as I think my mom would have said exactly the same. When I got a promotion she said something like ‘shame you’re still single though, what’s the point of a good job if you have no man or family’ and growing up I’d be called slow and compared to my taller, prettier cousins - even though I academically outperformed them.

These days, she’s mid 70s and I’ve learnt to not tell her any news which is a huge shame as I have no other friends or family. Sometimes I might throw her a bone and tell her something bad that may have happened in my life or gone wrong in my house - since she perks up immediately and I’m sure adds an extra few months into her life! 😅

Well done that's such a great achievement!

Yes I would be hurt. But I try and give grace to people I know and love, because I know it's not coming from a nasty place, it's coming from a lifetime of worrying about their weight even if not fat in the slightest. My mum I know tries, but she can't help the comments like "you look so amazing now" which while I know is not meant meanly, it comes across as "you were fat and ugly before".

It wasn't a nice comment and I think most people would be hurt by it. Given how she followed it up it sounds like there wasn't an intent to hurt you, she just spoke without thinking. Some people have little to no filter.

Your mum sounds horrible. As for her saying unkind things to you as a child but telling you that she's actually a kind person, just tell her that self praise is no recommendation.

The sort of mums like her who are obsessed with their daughter's weight are normally shallow and superficial. It can lead to lifelong issues with food and weight in their children.

I would see a lot less of her.

When I lost a lot of weight my father smirked and said ‘not before time!’

Some people are just arseholes.

I’m going to say what she should have. (Oh, and this is genuinely my very first reaction, too…) I’m so proud of you!!!!

Sounds like my mother. When I told her I was marrying my partner of13 years her first comment was ‘well I’m changing my will’. She did too.

Awful and tactless but maybe she thought that because you have left that period behind and turned your life around so well you would be detached from it? Don’t let it spoil a fantastic achievement. It was said in the moment, try and let it go.

Mine did similar

Shitty thinf to say. Exactly the sort of thing my mum would say as well. Would guess your mother has form for such behaviour which may well be why you’ve struggled with your mental health in the past as it is. Try to disassociate as much as you can.

Your mum is a miserable fucker. You did good. Congratulations on a brilliant weight loss

Well done on your achievement, OP. And yep, another whose mother (and father) always said shitty things like this. Pay no heed.

When I was losing weight, I did it with a lot of exercise.
Swimming, walking, cycling.

One day DM saw me getting ready for a bike ride and said "oh, you haven't got as good cycling gear as my friend. He has this, that and the other, etc, etc"

No words of encouragement and by this point I had lost 4 stones.

When I was biking, I felt sick and tearful.
Eventually we went NC, thank goodness.

Well done OP for turning your life around and that brilliant weight loss. 🤩

Good one 👍

It's accusatory at a time when it's totally unnecessary

Fuck me, what a bitch! I feel gutted for you. I’m so glad the shop assistants bigged you up. I bet you looked amazing in that dress. Have a hug from me.

Here’s the thing: she was mostly a great mum, very kind, generous, so supportive.
BUT she came from a generation where mothers felt it was absolutely fine to make these comments. All of my friends’ mums were the same.
To my mum, if you wanted to meet a ‘decent’ man then you started slim and stayed slim.
And everyone, and I mean everyone, got judged.
I am three decades on now and my friends do not do this to their daughters because of the damage it did to them.

This is exactly the way my mum speaks to me. I recently lost two stone, and saw my family for the first time in ages at a wedding. Everyone being lovely and saying how well I looked. My mum ‘well it’s a good job, I genuinely thought you were pregnant before, you looked awful’. She had been like it my whole life. I’ve learned to not let it bother me-it’s her problem not mine. It must be awful to not understand how you are coming across that way. Well done on losing the weight OP.

Absolutely not! My daughter and my son are the most precious things in the world to me and I would never knowingly upset them and I champion them in all their endeavours. I actually learnt this from my mum...that is, I learnt to do the absolute opposite of everything she did when I was growing up! She never told me she was proud of me, never told me she loved me and constantly talked about how pretty other girls were (yes, she never told me I was pretty). I have anxiety and low confidence but my kids are incredible, strong, funny, successful and gorgeous human beings. So thanks mum for showing me the way!

I wouldn't be offended by this. She quickly corrected herself.

I have the same issue. I gained weight due to emotional eating. If someone asked me how I became overweight I would tell them. It would bore them to death, but it would serve them right for asking.

When I think about it it must be quite strange for people who haven't seen me for a while to see me as overweight when I used to be size 8. And also for the people who watched me gain weight. Or watched me eating my emotions away. It's about time we started seeing weight gain as a mental health issue for some people, rather than some health and beauty issue, or a moral issue. I do feel greedy, but I also know that it isn't ordinary greed. It is a trauma response.

tell her as comments like yours make me depressed and depression is a main cause of weight gain ….. walk off

I recognise my mother in so many posts! I actually live in a different country from her,so don't have to put up with the comments on a day to day basis. However,I still get "the comments" on my yearly visit! I'm 63....