To ask how to deal with frustrating team members at work?

[roamingcat]

Hi all,

I'm posting here for traffic. I am a high performer at work and generally have no issues with the work day to day - my one big issue is my ability to deal with other team mates/colleagues. I find it really challenging when other people don't pull their weight, or do things which are frustrating.

The frustration builds up and I find it hard to let go, which then ultimately only ends up hurting me or in some cases has resulted in a bit of an explosion towards the person (eeek, I'm not proud of it!). I would love to be able to let this type of thing go more easily but how do I do so? I just find it so hard when others aren't performing to the same level I am and I know this is a development area for me.

You're too focused on your colleagues and on the "not performing as well as you". Are you trying to focus so intensely on their bad areas to make yourself feel better?

I'm not trying to focus on it - the problem is due to the nature of our work, my role is shared with a couple of other people. If they don't do things or do them properly I have to pick them up! If it didn't impact me I wouldn't mind as much.

A couple of recent examples have included people literally refusing to help with tasks, which I then had to do. Or someone scheduling an important meeting when I wasn't there and not giving me an opportunity to feed in my views and then being adamant they didn't exclude me. So it's when their behaviour impacts me, rather than me being frustrated about things which are nothing to do with me.

YANBU. I work in a creative place where the more people put the effort, the better the small business thrives. Which means it is more likely to survive any problems and we all get bonuses/pay rises. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one doing any damn work and it can be so frustrating. I am trying to be more zen about it though, and my boss knows what’s going on - so my bonus will be bigger than anyone else’s.

This exact scenario is happening in my team right now - not involving me- and it really affects the whole dynamic of the team. Best to find a way to address it, directly or indirectly via your line manager. We also had the resentful outburst happen - in a Teams meeting - and both parties involved found it very upsetting.

The way you work sounds exactly like my team so I understand exactly how it must be impacting you.

I totally understand your feelings on this, having been in this post myself.
I'm much better now at managing my emotions around it. I still get frustrated but ultimately think I'm on my path and they're on theirs. Hard work always shines through and my boss knows what I do so the win of that is I'm very much just left to get on with it.

The only time it was really difficult was when a former manager seemed to favour the under performers in the team. Piling more and more on those of us who achieved but falling for every sob story from others. I eventually put my foot down and refused to do all the extras he wanted. He ended up leaving, as I knew he would and current manager is much more fair in division of work.

It's not your job to worry about it. Speak to your line manager about the feeling of unfairness.

I manage one guy who annoys the shit out of me.

He's lazy, not very good at his job and doesn't improve his skill set, no matter how much constructive feedback I give him. But for various reasons, including that our local labour market badly lacks talent, wont be getting rid of him any time soon.

You have to find their good points. His are that he's a steady eddy - he's always there, never calls in sick, will shift his annual leave around if needed, and everyone in the team likes him (and it's important to have some of those people around).

Thank you this is really helpful - i like the "we're on different paths" analogy

This is also helpful - I'll remind myself about what they bring to the team.

I work with one too., annoys the shit out of me.

i had a meeting with my LM about her this week. She’s been there for 6 yrs. doesn’t do the basics things she must do, makes mistakes which has financial consequences.

claims MH issues (which she does have but absolutely loves playing the card at every opportunity). Goes on her phone, not for a glance but a while, the other day it was 20 mins, loses concentration, cries, needs attention, watches her dog on doggy cam waiting for it to whine so she can “wfh”. Doggy has separation anxiety 🙄

i told my boss I understand she has her issues but what about the mental health of us working with her?

I’ve worked in an office environment for 33 yrs and ive never come across any person like her. Im tired of the attitude

There's hope for me yet.

"the other day it was 20 mins"

Why are you timing her? Don't you have better things to do?

Yes work. She’s being monitored, she knows it yet still does it. If she worked in private sector she’d be out of the door.

No, I asked why are you timing her instead of doing YOUR work?
Or is it your job to monitor her?

Why are so concerned? You don’t work with her.

Why are YOU so concerned?
Personally, I don't like busybodies who spy on their colleagues.

This is probably going against the grain but I quite like underperformers as they make me look much better at my job!
As long as it’s not impacting on my work otherwise I would say something (and have done previously.

It is really stressful working in a team of high achievers where everyone is going above and beyond and staying late all the time. A bit of underperformance brings balance and takes the pressure off.

Luckily I’m nhs so there are always some underperformers but preparing to get flamed! 🤣

Yes there's something in this. I absolutely shine compared to the incompetents and know that they'd be let go way ahead of me if redundancies were ever on the cards.

i don’t work late (its not done) but when i authorise someone else’s work and its nit done correctly, its reported.

nothing to do do with my job looking better. It does impact everyone else’s job. Financial consequences.

I recommend always keeping Hanlon's Razor in mind: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Some people are simply not competent, and as competent people, we often don't 'get' that. I often used to remind myself, 'they're not meaning to be twats, they are just too stupid to find another way to deal with this.' When you look at it that way, you find SO much evidence of the truth of it.

Bill could clock that he's got work tomorrow and not go on a bender tonight - but he's too stupid, so he'll phone in sick.

Mary could do all the same small things I do to make the job easier for everyone else - but she's too stupid to notice that. And in fact, she does plenty of things that make everyone else's job harder, to save herself a max of 15 minutes a day.

And both are unable to notice or understand how it impacts others.

A quiet explanatory word often works wonders - and has done in both the situations above. But there is plenty of incompetency that cannot be rectified - plenty of fish seem to get jobs that require riding a bicycle. And that's where acceptance, and the judicious use of boundaries, is the only way.

I get you op i feel the same and our job is quite physical so it makes me resentful at times. I've started to tell myself that I can go home every day knowing I'm a good colleague and I know management do recognise that as I get glowing appraisals. I doubt they can say the same about themselves. I also like the idea above that if they're doing so little it makes you look better. I shall use that idea.

I wonder if your colleagues would describe you as 'high performing'? You seem to have some awareness of the your inetrpersonal challenges. Maybe this is an area where you can continue to improve in a refelective way? That might make you feel a bit less separate to those with their own challenges and areas for improvment.

This is a great way of thinking about it, I love it! 😅

This is really helpful, I hadn't thought about it that way. My frustration often stems from not understanding why they wouldn't do something or act in a specific way (because it seems obvious to me), so if I try and remove that element and accept it, I think that'll really help.